Who are you?

My youngest daughter is one of the most caring, thoughtful, quiet, animal loving people I've ever met.  And right there in the first sentence I've insulted her.  Not on purpose.  Until recently completely unknowingly.  How?  The sentence seems complimentary.  Oh, that must be it.  I insulted her with compliments.  Kids HATE when their parents gush over them.

No, it's because I called her my daughter.  After many years of introspection, as many years as a 15 year old can painstakingly and painfully endure on a day to day, minute to minute basis, Kristi has identified that she is transgender.

Yeah, I had to look up the definition too even though it's been in the news because North Carolina has issues,  We live in a country where the current administration is trying to undo all the bridges built with the LGBT communities that previous administrations have established.  I never paid a lot of attention to it because I kind of worked on the premise of "if you're a good person, you're a good person and I will treat you accordingly".  I wasn't up for causes or marches.  I just figured in my little corner of the world I would treat everyone with respect that deserved to be treated with respect.

And then I discovered I was contributing to the "living hell" my little girl had to endure - her words.  This is the last time I will call her my little girl.  Kris (he prefers Kris vs. Kristi) prefers the pronouns he, him and his.  In his words "it just feels right to me."  Apparently his classmates already do this.  Kris would prefer that his mom and I view him and acknowledge him as our son.  I won't speak for my ex-wife, but that's quite a leap for me after 15 years.  My memory tells me I have three daughters.  My verbal and intellectual muscle memory reverts to "Hey girl, how was school?" when I pick Kris up from band practice.

I don't mean anything by it.  I'm not judging.  I'm not trying to change his mind.  I know I don't know much in this area, yet, but I do know it's not a mindset.  Kris identifying as a male is no more a choice than me deciding to be prematurely bald.  I just have 15 years of doing something one way and now have to adjust in another direction.

Kris was never a girly girl.  He would rather run around with the neighborhood kids playing sports or agender activities rather than play with dolls and dress up.  I think I saw him wear a dress once in his life and that was for a grade school project.

Honestly as I watched him grow up I assumed he was gay.  Never wanted to wear girl clothes, preferred boys t-shirts or gender neutral clothing.  But that was my limited understanding of gender issues.  Either you're straight or gay.  The idea of my youngest daughter being gay didn't bother me one bit.  As long as she would be happy, I have no issues.  Little did I know how far I was from understanding what was going on in her mind and how far from happiness she was/is.

Recently I asked Kris if some of the girls from school he hangs out with are just "peeps" or if they were girlfriends.  And I received the most amazing response.  "No, they're just peeps.  I don't even know who I am at this point.  I'm not going to start dating guys or girls when I'm still trying to find out who I am."  I'm paraphrasing.  I mentioned Kris is thoughtful, caring and quiet.  I left off incredibly mature.

As a parent the only thing that bothers me about all this is that I'm discovering the confusion, torture and pain that he is in on what seems like a daily basis.  He doesn't talk much.  For the longest time I attributed it to being 15 where all kids go through mood swings, introversion, wanting to avoid their parents.  But more and more I'm aware that it's also because he's trying to figure out where he fits in - at school, in the world and in his mind.

Additionally I'm concerned for his safety, both physical and emotional.  This world is filled with amazingly open minded, nurturing people.  But it also is filled with the most vile, crude and abusive people.  The second type is usually pretty easy to spot and avoid.  But there's a third type.  The type that thinks they're the first group but really are the second group.  They'll make off hand comments about a person's appearance, race, background or intelligence.  They won't deliberately try to put another person down, but it's so ingrained in their DNA that they are somehow superior to everyone else, they just can't help themselves from being obnoxious, rude and belligerent.

Those are the ones I'm concerned about for Kris.  His (and anyone's) path of self-discovery is tough enough without having to navigate past the clueless lunks who think they are all that.  Basically from the time he was able to walk, Kris has marched to the beat of his own drum.  Appropriate since he's taken such a passionate interest in becoming a very accomplished trumpet player in band **.   I have seen and heard him be exposed to comments about his wardrobe when he was younger (always wearing t-shirts and sweatpants) or befriending the "uncool" kids.  When I talked to him about the comments he would receive he would shrug it off and say "it doesn't bother me".  Maybe it did, maybe it didn't.  But he always stuck to what he believed in.

**  When he was in 5th grade the opportunity to play an instrument in the school band presented itself and Kris knew that he wanted to play trumpet.  Right around that time, either just before joining the band or soon after, as his oldest sister was exploring college options, Kris stated with complete conviction - "I am going to go to U of I on a music scholarship."

As parents often discover, we learn as much from our kids as they learn from us.  From the time he could talk, Kris has always been the helpful, thoughtful, put others first individual the world needs more of.  He was quiet, yet when he would comment on a subject it was obvious there was logic, truth and a belief in what he was saying.  Kris is one of the few young adults I've known who does not get trapped with over reaction.  His response to things is always measured and level-headed.  If adults could act the same way, there would be so much more harmony in our lives.

These qualities are still there in him, but they've been muted as he has focused what seems like every waking moment of his life recently to identify who he is and where he fits in this world.

I do know that if anyone on this planet is strong enough to figure it out, it's Kris.  And I couldn't be prouder of my son.