Running With The Wolves and My Girls

This week we bring you a mash-up of sorts of Monroe Doctrines present and past.

Yesterday was the culmination of my semi-volunteering/getting talked into running the Second Annual Running of the Wolves 5K. My daughters, Ally and Kristi, wanted to do it. Ally’s an old pro, having run it last year (Monroe Doctrine May 24, 2010). Kristi was giving it a shot for the first time.

We go to registration to pick up some swag and receive our runners bibs. Much to my chagrin I was assigned number 21. The marathon gods are laughing at me. Will I juice up and perform like Sosa or underperform like Colvin or go old school like Greg Gross?

I noticed last year and again this year, there seems to be a parental courtesy of slowing down to run/finish the race with your child. However it doesn’t appear to be a reciprocal relationship. Ally took off at the starter’s gun and Kristi came down the homestretch, saw the finish line and took off like she was the Roadrunner getting away from Wile E Coyote (little puff of smoke leaving her heels included).

My hope was to finish with a better time than I did last year. But since I didn’t train at all, was one year older and the last time I went for a run was the First Annual Running of the Wolves, the odds weren’t favorable. Surprisingly I finished 14 seconds behind last year’s pace with a time of 35:12 (ok, so I performed like Colvin), which if you turn that into a whole number is the amount of aches and pains I’m feeling this morning.

I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. This year there wasn’t a positive Cubs team to focus on. The Rebels are stumbling in eighth place, and I didn’t want to be focusing on that for 3.2 miles. So I charged up my IPod and set the tunes to Straight No Chaser (Monroe Doctrine April 20, 2011). I knew I was going to need the guys to carry me through the hard parts (basically everything after the first half mile).

That strategy worked pretty well. “Up On The Roof”, “Billie Jean/Poison”, “For The Longest Time” and “Heard It Through The Grapevine” took my mind off the pain in my legs, the cramps in my sides and shortness of breath. Down the home stretch I queued up “Lion Sleeps Tonight”. The goal was to finish the race before they finished the song. It was close, but mission accomplished. Before the final “Aweemaway” I sprinted past the school’s principal and, wait, what the hell is that? Oh god, dehydration and delusion must be setting in. There’s a huge six foot dog at the finish line. That can’t be right, can it? Don’t piss him off! Give it a high five. As it turns out it was a guy in a big dog suit that is the mascot from Aaron’s Furniture & Electronics in Aurora.

I will tell you that one parallel in life and sports is focus and determination. Ally was determined to improve on her performance last year and get a medal. She did it. Knocked five minutes off her time and finished second in age group, garnering not a medal but a trophy.

We’ll be back next year for more pain, suffering and pride.

The Globe is Warming Up (to the Monroe Doctrine)

The Monroe Doctrine is many things. Whimsical? I hope. Insightful? I double hope. A waste of time? I hope not. But international? Who knew?

Being able to track the visitors to the Monroe Doctrine has allowed me to recognize my loyal readers (Matt B., Tim, David) but also the states and countries – yes I said COUNTRIES – that have visited the humble musings of a bald guy destined for endless second division finishes.

Aside from Naperville, Chicago and Mount Prospect, here are the more interesting hits on the 3^rd rock from the sun. Liepaja, Latvia; Mesa AZ; Quezon City, Philippines; Russian Federation; Mountain View, CA; Laurens, SC; Ulsan, Republic of Korea; Oakley, CA; Rego Park, NY; Council Bluffs, IA; Nagoya, Aichi, Japan; North Easton, MA; Saline, MI; Fort Wayne, IN; Burlington, IA; Quinter, KS; Greensboro, NC, I kid you not.

I know some of the distance comes from current and past owners. But Ulsan, Republic of Korea? Hello! Was someone in Mesa, AZ trying to get the latest baseball news as Spring Training was beginning?

Is North Easton, MA, trying to get the latest on the Red Sox/Yankee rivalry? Boy did you misfire, we only cover major league baseball at the Monroe Doctrine.

Mountain View, CA is closer to Stanford University than they are to a major league city. Is a movie director scouting me out to turn my words into pictures?

When I saw this I had to think about what someone in the Phillippines could be searching on that would cause them to visit the Monroe Doctrine. It couldn’t be that we’ve become an international hit could it? Will I be invited to come to Liepaja and appear on “Good Morning Latvia”?

Will I guest appear with “Boris and Kathy Lee” in the Russian Federation? I could be spreading the word about fantasy baseball in general and the CFCL in specific. Ooh the possibilities! You guys better be nice to me lest all your dirty secrets come flowing out!

Maybe I make the typical rounds of the Philippines, Japan, Korea and Rego Park, NY, dropping amusing anecdotes and weighing the response. Then I come back and write the Great American CFCL Fantasy Novel and do it up big. Certainly owners like the DoorMatts and Ruffins are in more jeopardy simply due to their tenure in the league. But as the MD has proven in the past, we never let the facts get in the way of a good story. So the Clowns being scared of multi-colored candy and the Danger sleeping with a stuffed sheep could make its way into chapters five and six.

Mr. Shigatosi, I’m ready for my closeup!

Meet Stranger Danger

2011 brought the CFCL a new owner, Scott Strang. Before we meet Scott, first the Monroe Doctrine disclaimer:

Due to scheduling conflicts and time constraints we didn’t bother ourselves with the formality of actually interviewing the new owner. I’m sure what follows will be news to him as well as you

MD: As the newest owner you have some pretty big shoes to fill, taking over the roster of the Copperfields. Feel any pressure?

SS: Can’t say that I do. I don’t know the Copperfields.

MD: The Copperfields were a combination of Thomas Jefferson, for creating the CFCL, and New York Yankees, for dominating the standings.

SS: Gee, thanks for that. NOW I feel the pressure. Actually I feel more pressure trying to compete and surpass the DoorMatts, they are the ones that brought me into the league.

MD: Fair point. Hey did the DoorMatts tell you that you're supposed to submit a Team Profile?

SS: He mentioned it. You guys really are geeks, aren't you?

MD: To the core. You brought along an assistant to the draft, who was he?

SS: Assistant, yeah. He’d hate that title. That was my brother, Bob. I view him as my assistant, but he thinks he’s the Co-President of Stranger Danger.

MD: That leads to the team name. Interesting choice.

SS: I know, I know. Makes everyone think I stalk little kids at schoolyards. Not true. With my last name there’s not a lot of directions you can go. My intent was to point out that I’m a stranger to the league but you’ll be in danger if you overlook the new guy.

MD: I like it. You could have gone down the road of “Perfect Strangers”, especially since your brother is part of the decision making process, at least on Draft Day. Nice little comparison to the TV show about cousins that lived in Chicago. Are you the Balki Bartokomous of the duo?

SS: Well, I don’t have an accent, but I do sleep with a stuffed sheep. His name’s not Dmitri, it’s Fluffy, so I guess there’s enough of a similarity.

MD: We’re going down a road we should get off of. You mentioned that you didn’t want the league to overlook the new guy. You went a long way to make that happen by dominating and spending most of your budget in the first two rounds of the draft.

SS: I had some guys targeted that I felt would represent the Stranger Way. They were brought up early in the draft, so I had to strike.

MD: “Stranger Way”? What’s that?

SS: The Stranger Way is the way I live and what I expect my players to exemplify. The Stranger Way is a weekend getaway at the Hilton in the Executive Suite. The Stranger Way is maintaining legal speed driving in the left lane to pass – only. The Stranger Way is NOT texting while driving. The Stranger Way is killing the DoorMatts! (make me clean the pits, will you?) The Stranger Way is red in Vegas, not black. The Stranger Way is zip-lining through the rain forest, not sitting on a beach. The Stranger Way is top hat and tails on New Year’s Eve. The Stranger Way is calling Mom every week. And the Stranger Way is running out every lazy flyball and easy grounder to short.

MD: Words to live by. Thank you, Scott, it’s been a pleasure.