Heeeere's Nick!

It’s time to re-meet Nick Hansen, Owner of the Eukenott Beatniks and former owner of Nicks Picts. Here’s the Monroe Doctrine legal disclosure:

Due to scheduling conflicts and time constraints we didn’t bother ourselves with the formality of actually interviewing the new owner. I’m sure what follows will be news to him as well as you.

MD: Welcome back, Nick! It’s been too long. So, to start off, what’s with the team name?

EB: Well Eukenott is a little eatery that is home to the best Italian Beef you’ll ever have. It’s name lends itself so well and Beatnik is really my alter ego. I may be fluent in English and Computer-eze, I’ve thrived on the “just off the beaten path” and besides – I look really good in turtlenecks.

MD: OK, that begs the question. If you’re so good at writing computer programs, why didn’t you ever write an equation that allowed the Picts to come in first?

EB: While I fancy myself quite the programmer (I’ve won awards!), there are certain limits to even my genius. I have to be given quality to start with, and well, that hasn’t happened so far.

MD: Can you describe your rivalry with Dem Rebels?

EB: I’ll say this - that last Q&A goes a long way to explain why there’s such a rift between us.

MD: Try not to break the fourth wall, Nick.

EB: Whatever. I’m allergic to flannel and moonshine. He never seemed to appreciate the finer qualities of tartan. We’ll see how he feels about turtlenecks, berets and rectangle sunglasses while we’re scoring on him more than the Kardashian sisters.

MD: You were gone for two years. Why?

EB: Well, I moved to Nebraska initially and found that there is so much to do, nightlife, nature, creative energy outlets; that I couldn’t focus on baseball. That and the fact that, interestingly, there is no Internet in Nebraska. So during the season I had to conduct my league business via carrier pigeon which just got messy.

MD: Is it true that Commissioner Bentel serenaded you with a Christmas song to lure you back to the CFCL?

EB: Carol of the (Base)Balls would have been nice, but Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer did its job. Yeah, he’s been begging me to come back for a while. It got embarrassing. So I finally relented and decided to look forward to the six and half hour drive back to Chicagoland next spring.

MD: So where officially are the Beatnik corporate offices?

EB: We’re located in Sioux City, Iowa (“Iowa! Gateway to Nebraska!”) hard along the banks of the Missouri River. One mild F-1 Tornado, and believe you me we get plenty of those ripping through town, and we’re in Nebraska. Matter of fact, Tornado Season correlates very closely to our fourteen game homestand this summer. We bring a whole new meaning to the term “wind-aided homerun”.

MD: Recently you e-mailed a picture of David Hasselhoff and some puppies. Care to explain?

EB: Well I could say that my wife (the loving and oh so understanding Elizabeth) high-jacked my computer while I got up to get some hot green tea and a biscotti, but there’s a chance she’ll read this, so I have to tell the truth. While it has nothing to do with the Beatniks, I do own every album Mr. Hasselhoff has recorded. He’s an unappreciated and misunderstood musical genius. The people over in Germany have it figured out.

MD: You do understand that your name, The Beatniks, lends itself to derision by calling you The Beat-Nicks? Every team that finishes above you in the standings could call you that.

EB: I’ve thought about that. But let’s be honest, on average only eight or nine teams will be saying that each year. I’m not worried.

MD: There’s nothing else to say. Thank you Nick. Welcome back! You were sorely missed.

The Greatest Christmas Present Ever!

There was some discussion that by writing the following Monroe Doctrine it could absolutely prove the Geek Factor in us. But in all honesty, that ship has already sailed. Many of you reading this have met my cousin Matt and me, our pictures have been on the CFCL Front Office website for years and if any of you have walked away from an interaction with either one of us without screaming “GEEK!” in your head, well you’re just not a good judge of character.

So with that being said, let me introduce you to, perhaps, the greatest game of all time. Allow me to rephrase, I mean – THE GREATEST GAME OF ALL TIME!! It is based tightly on Rotisserie Baseball, with a twist. In Rotisserie, or fantasy baseball, you select 23 players from the National or American League and count their stats from the current baseball year and compare those stats to the other fantasy teams. In an effort to get through the doldrums of the off-season, Matt and I usually come up with some form of entertainment. Sometimes we’ll have trivia contests. Other times we’ve each come up with our Chicago Sports Mount Rushmore and then compared our lists. This year Matt came up with, simply - brilliance.

We have just concluded a Chicago Cubs Fantasy Baseball Draft. Before I explain the rules, let me stress the importance of playing this game with someone you can trust implicitly. If there is no trust, this game does not work. Here’s how we played. We agreed on a set timeframe (1975-present) of Cub teams to select from. We chose 1975 as the starting point because that’s as far back as both of us could easily recall watching the Cubs play. Matt could have gone back as far as 1967 because, well, he’s old.

You would think drafting from 37 seasons would leave A TON of potential draft candidates. That’s sort of true, but the reality is twofold. First, drafting a guy like Sandberg, Grace or Dawson eliminates about six to ten seasons of drafting a secondbaseman, firstbaseman or one of the outfield slots because those guys were there year after year. Secondly, during the late ‘70s, early ‘80s and parts of the ‘90s the Cubs basically sucked and didn’t have many guys worth drafting. You only have to read the names Chuck Rainey and Dickie Noles once to realize that era wasn’t blossoming with talent.

We then constructed our teams that comprised the following positions: 2 catchers, 1 firstbaseman, 1 thirdbaseman, 1 first or thirdbaseman, 1 shortstop, 1 secondbaseman, 1 shortstop or secondbaseman, five outfielders, 1 utility spot (could be a position player or pitcher) and nine pitchers.

We graded our teams on Total Bases, Runs, RBIs, Stolen Bases, OBP, Wins, Saves, ERA, WHiP and K/BB.

In our preliminary discussions we had talked about putting together our “favorite” players on a CFCL team. The competition bug in each of us quickly kicked in as we picked players primarily for their production and secondarily for the “love” factor.

Here’s where it gets fun. We selected a player alternate draft style (first Matt, then me, then Matt, then me). Once the player was selected he was off the board. Below are the complete rosters we drafted. The numbers following the player’s name represents the round in which they were drafted and the season of stats that were used. During the draft we were not allowed to look up any stats. We had to completely rely on our memories. THIS IS WHERE THE IMPLICIT TRUST COMES IN. We could look up the Cubs roster for a given year and we could look up a player’s position eligibility (in order for the player to qualify at a position he had to play at least 20 games during the selected season).

Example: Matt selected Ryne Sandberg with his first pick. Sandberg is off the board. Matt could put him at thirdbase and use Sandberg’s stats from 1982 or put him at secondbase and use stats from any year Sandberg played for the Cubs. Matt did not declare which year he was using of Sandberg’s until the draft was completed. So in competing against Matt, I had to consider if he was going to use Sandberg’s 1984 MVP stats, the stats from 1990 when Sandberg hit 40 homeruns or the stats from the years when Sandberg was stealing in excess of 40 bases. During the draft Matt could not look up Sandberg’s stats, even though he had Sandberg because that would obviously influence his subsequent picks.

One other rule in drafting a player, you could only use the stats from a year in which the player played for the Cubs. Matt also selected Greg Maddux. Matt could not use Maddux’s stats from any Atlanta years; only when Maddux played in Chicago. If there was a year where the player split time with teams (Rick Sutcliffe in 1984) I could only select the stats from the time Sutcliffe pitched for the Cubs that year, not combine the stats from Cleveland and the Cubs.

• Side note for you loopholers: Fergie Jenkins could have been selected since he pitched for the Cubs in 1980 and 1981. But his stats could not be used from the late ‘60s/early 70’s since that was before our parameters. I know some of you would figure that out and say his 20+ wins from the seasons in the ‘60s should count.

For added pleasure (or torture) we decided that since we’re trying to waste as much of winter as possible, one person would draft one player per day. Example: Matt would draft on Monday (deadline midnight Monday night). I would draft a player on Tuesday. Matt would draft on Wednesday and so on. Twenty-three players per team equals 46 days. We started this the day after the World Series ended and completed our draft fourteen days before Christmas. You talk about agony and anticipation.

Then to further our fun, Matt came up with the idea that since the draft ended on Monday, December 12th, we would take until Thursday night, December 15th to submit our pitching years for scoring. We would score that, see who’s leading at the “halfway mark” and then submit our offense years by Thursday, December 22nd and reveal the scoring on Friday the 23rd or Saturday the 24th. Our very own Baseball Christmas Gift to each other. Turns out we didn’t wait until the end of the week. What we noticed is that most of the players had a “Signature Season”, so while they may have put up good numbers over several years, there was that one season that stood above all others. There were only about six or so total players that we really had to deliberate on. Because of that, the business of the week before Christmas and, dammit we wanted to know who won, we submitted our offensive year selections to each other last Sunday night (December 18th).

The draft started pretty much as expected with Sandberg and Dawson going first. Then in the next few rounds we had a run on 20 game winners. Matt built a phenomenal infield while I jumped around filling an infield spot, catcher, outfield and pitchers.

After every pick there would be the typical “Hey nice grab!” comments until the 20th round. That will be forever known as The Bill Madlock Debacle in winter drafting circles. The DoorMatts had completely filled their infield, needing only a Catcher, 2 Pitchers and the all important Utility spot. I was certain Matt would focus on pitching, relief pitching specifically. But Matt would have none of it. He looked over available players and said “Why is Bill Madlock still available? He’d be a great fit at Utility.” I, at the time, needed 3B, OF and 2 Pitchers. Why hadn’t I taken Madlock sooner? “BECAUSE MATT DIDN’T NEED A DAMN THIRDBASEMAN!!!” I was heard to yell into a voicemail. Trying to play it fast and loose, I left my CI and 3B slot open for the majority of the draft because Matt filled his corner slots early (4th, 5th and 13th rounds). “No need to fill those spots on my team if Matt already has those positions filled”, I rationalized. But the dreaded Utility spot came up and bit me in the netherworld.

Here is a complete roster for each.

MATT
Geovany Soto (16) – 2008
Michael Barrett (22) – 2004
Derrek Lee (4) – 2005
Mark Grace (13) – 1998
Aramis Ramirez (5) – 2004
Ryne Sandberg (1) – 1990
Mark Bellhorn (19) – 2002
Alex Gonzalez (15) – 2002
Bill Madlock (20) – 1976
Keith Moreland (8) – 1985
Henry Rodriguez (9) – 1999
Jerome Walton (10) – 1989
Juan Pierre (12) – 2006
Gary Matthews (17) – 1984
Greg Maddux (2) – 1992
Mark Prior (3) – 2003
Mike Bielecki (7) – 1989
Ted Lilly (11) – 2008
Ryan Dempster (18) – 2005
Carlos Zambrano (23) – 2004
Carlos Marmol (21) – 2010
Mitch Williams (14) – 1989
Rod Beck (6) – 1998

RICH
Jody Davis (4) - 1984
Rick Wilkins (16) - 1993
Carlos Pena (15) - 2011
Bill Buckner (19) - 1982
Ron Cey (22) - 1983
Mark DeRosa (14) - 2008
Ivan DeJesus (11) - 1978
Starlin Castro (3) - 2011
Leon Durham (18) - 1982
Andre Dawson (1) - 1987
Moises Alou (6) - 2004
Rick Monday (9) - 1976
Alfonso Soriano (12) - 2007
Bob Dernier (20) - 1984
Rick Reuschel (2) - 1977
Jon Lieber (5) - 2001
Rick Sutcliffe (10) - 1984
Kerry Wood (17) - 2008
Ray Burris (21) - 1976
Joe Borowski (23) - 2003
Bruce Sutter (13) - 1977
Lee Smith (8) - 1983
Randy Myers (7) - 1993


The final standings played out thusly:

MATT
TOTAL BASES 3673
RUNS 1158
RBIs 1112
STOLEN BASES 185
OBP .37062
WINS 103
SAVES 158
ERA 2.8749
WHiP 1.2047
K:BB 2.5780

RICH
TOTAL BASES 3766
RUNS 1247
RBIs 1142
STOLEN BASES 204
OBP .35115
WINS 91
SAVES 181
ERA 2.8433
WHiP 1.1464
K:BB 2.9544

**Disclaimer – While it doesn’t look like much of a horse race (8 categories to 2), it was MUCH closer than it appears. Had I selected different pitching years and Matt done the same it would have been a 3-2 or 2-3 split. Had Matt sacrificed a little OBP and tried to garner some extra RBIs, this could easily have ended 5-5 or 6-4 in his favor. We both have agreed that while having bragging rights over each other is nice, the journey was so much more valuable than the destination.

The drawback to this game, the only drawback (aside from watching your cousin, who is more like a brother to you, steal Bill Madlock?) is that there’s only two weeks to go until Winter Waivers. Not much time to prepare.

Unfortunately it’s too close to Christmas (seven days) to be able to box this up and have it delivered in time to put under your tree. So, forgoing what is surely millions in sales and copyright renewals, we are saying in this Season of Giving – take and enjoy. You will never have this much fun again.

Angels We Have Heard On High

The California Angels of Anaheim Orange County have reportedly signed Alfonso Soriano – check that, Albert Pujols – to a ten year $250 million contract. All I can say is did Arte Moreno ever hear the phrase “Those that don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it”?

Pujols is 32 (at least that’s as many years as he’s willing to admit to). Last season he had his “worst” production of his career. Thirty-two homeruns, 99 RBIs and a .299 batting average. Certainly awesome numbers for 99.6% of all baseball players, but not what you expect out of Pujols. So the Angels had to evaluate:

• Whether last year was an aberration or the beginning of the end for Pujols’ stellar production;
• Whether Pujols is 32 or 33 or 37;
• Whether Pujols could maintain his production until age 42 (or 43 or 47)

Apparently they decided on the more positive side of all those points.

While I am a Cubs fan, I am not the brain-dead Cubs fan that says “The Cardinals organization and all its players all suck because . . . they’re Cardinals.” I respect the success that both the Cardinals and Pujols have achieved. Having said that, I am THRILLED that if Pujols didn’t go back to the Cards he went somewhere other than Clark and Addison. Not that I don’t think Pujols is a good player. He is. I just don’t think he’ll be a good player (worth $25million) in 10 years. We’ve seen Soriano not be able to last eight years successfully.

Moments after Pujols was signed, the Angels dropped another $77.5 million over five years for overrated and post-season bust CJ Wilson. Again let me say, as a Cubs fan, thank you for our Christmas present.

In the Age of Theo we don’t know what to expect as he hasn’t made a “splash” getting players yet. He has said he won’t pay for players on the downside of their careers or go extremely long-term either. So far he’s held firm in the approach. I guess I’m still having my Hendry feelings come up where I could be sufficiently concerned that Pujols would have come here with a 12 year NO TRADE deal.

This off-season, with Pujols, Wilson and catcher Chris Iannetta, the Angels have screamed from the mountaintops that they will NOT be ignored. On paper they have improved. On the field, they most likely have improved for the next year or two. It will be the 3-7 years after that that will be interesting.

Stop Saying It - Just Do It

There’s a saying out there to the effect “I may not agree with what you have to say, but I will fight to the death for your right to say it.”

I first heard Bob Collins (late of WGN Radio) say that. Dave Kaplan stole it from him and recently I’ve heard Tom Waddle make the same comment. What a load of crap. The sentiment is great if Thomas Jefferson or Nathan Hale were the ones to say those words. It smacks of “I regret that I have but one life to give for my country.”

But in this day and age, I cannot envision any of the above three media members (or anyone for that matter) being willing to give up their life in the defense of letting someone else voice their opinion. It’s bravado. It’s male locker room talk. I’ve thought this for years, from the first time (over a decade ago) that I heard Collins make that comment on WGN. The minute I heard it, I thought “Wow, that was powerful. Hey wait a minute! You wouldn’t lay down your life simply so a guy you’re arguing with could continue voicing a dissenting opinion!”

I’m even more convinced after the Penn State carnage. We have heard evidence of countless “men” seeing first hand evidence of young boys being raped and assaulted and not one of them didn’t anything to physically intervene. A couple of these guys passed the information up the chain of command and then hid in the shadows like cowards.

We’re not talking about defending someone to the death over the right to speak. We’re talking about innocent children being horribly attacked and no one, NO ONE, stepped in to remove them from the situation. The guys that saw this happen were not in danger of losing their lives. They probably weren’t even in danger of getting a black eye. A recently graduated football player and a wrestling coach came upon Sandusky being inappropriate with an innocent young boy. The football player and wrestling coach, I would think, were physically superior to Sandusky and could have easily removed the child from the situation. Instead they turned and left and eventually reported what they saw to their superior.

Too often we have people make statements “If that were to happen to me I would (insert major bravado here)” when you know full well it’s all a bunch of hot air. And that’s fine. So you wouldn’t actually tell the boss to take this job and shove it the next time you’re asked to stay late. You wouldn’t jump out of your car and yell at the moron texting that almost hit you in a parking lot. Who cares? Puff up your chest now and avoid conflict later.

But how can anyone see a little boy being raped or handled in a way that is inappropriate and walk away? It’s time to simply “do” instead of saying what we would do.

I Think I've Had Enough

The most overused phrase in America since Paris Hilton trademarked “That’s hot!” is “I think”.

Not only is it the most overused phrase, it is also the most redundant. I hate to do this to you, but listen, really listen to sports talk (or political talk shows for that matter) and the blowhards that host and are guests. Every other word (almost literally) is “I think”. Pretty soon that is all you will hear them say. Like I said, I’m sorry to do this to you.

*Side note. My cousin Matt and I often complain to each other about the insidiousness of Pat Hughes. Matt doesn’t care for Pat’s condescending attitude and stupid phrases (St. Loo and pop-fly come to mind). My gripe, initially, was Hughes’ sing-song delivery. Matt said he never noticed it but once I brought it up, that’s all Matt hears.

I didn’t major in English, but it seems to me that unless you make a statement and have sources to cite, then anything that comes out of your mouth is what you think. Oh sure, you can say “The Bears are 4-3” and not reference the standings at NFL.com or the Chicago Tribune, but that’s because everyone who follows football knows the Bears’ record. We saw it happen.

But if some so-called expert says “Albert Pujols is the greatest player in baseball history” or “Pujols had the greatest World Series performance in Game 3”, it’s redundant to say “I think” before those two phrases. And most times the people you listen to won’t simply say “I think Pujols is the greatest player in baseball history” they will phrase it thusly:

“I think Albert Pujols is, I think, the greatest player and I think he’s the greatest in baseball history.” “I think” has become a tortuously stupid crutch phrase. Much like “like” and “um” and “you know” has.

When you are communicating, it’s okay to have silence when you’re moving on to your next point. Saying “um” or “you know” doesn’t enhance the experience.

*Side note #2 – As a child, my sister and I used to tease our mom about her use of “you know”. One time while she was on the phone we listened to her talk for five minutes and counted 47 “you know”s. I kid you not.

Personally I think (look what I did right there) it’s due to the self-indulgent generation* we live in. First of all, A LOT of people like the sound of their own voice. Additionally there seems to be an abundance of love for self-attention, so by saying “I think” every other word or sentence, you get to deflect the conversation back to yourself endlessly.

*Look at the wide receivers scoring a touchdown. Are they handing the ball to the official ala Walter Payton or Barry Sanders? No. They are creating more and more elaborate dances and celebrations for a first quarter touchdown. Are baseball players calmly running around the bases after a homerun? Some are, many are not. They are pointing to the sky because obviously their deceased relative or higher being was the reason the home run was hit. They hop on homeplate and give exuberant high fives because their blast brought their club back to trail by only six.

Maybe it’s because there isn’t enough genuine conversation going on anymore and people feel they only way they’ll be heard is by doing all the talking and redirecting everything back to themselves.

A sage man (Twain?) once said that we were given two ears and one mouth and we should use them in that proportion. Of course, all of the above is without scientific evidence – it’s only what I think.

Dear Theo

Dear Mr. Epstein –

First of all I would like to congratulate you on becoming the President in Charge of All Things Baseball for the Chicago National League Ballclub. Also, welcome to the Second City which we are all convinced you will turn in to the First City to Win a World Series in 104 Years.

I have to say I was thoroughly impressed with your press conference and the multiple radio interviews you did in your first two days on the job. Dealing with the media isn’t easy and, as in most cities, there are radio personalities that like to show how clever they are by making sophomoric statements and trying to put their interviewee in an embarrassing position. Since you’re new to Chicago you don’t know who those mental midgets are yet and I have to say you handled each interview I heard with an engaging approach without lowering yourself to their pathetic standards.

If the reports are to be believed, the way you handle your staff and build rapport is amazing as well. Taking everyone to lunch and asking them to sing their alma mater’s fight song was genius. Follow that up with a little “Two Truths and a Lie” and I would imagine by the time the check came around, everyone must have felt like they were part of a cohesive World Series making machine.

This leads me to the point of my letter. Currently I have a career, a wife and four wonderful children, so I’m not looking to make a career change or tie up more of the hours in my day. However after hearing you talk about your focus, your plan for the future, your systematic approach to change the culture and build a brighter future at Clark and Addison, I can’t help myself. I’m in. Not “All In” mind you because then I would be looking for work in 2011 on the South Side. But I’m “everything in”.

While I will admit my shortcomings – never having played baseball at an advanced level, never being part of a major or minor league organization in an administrative level, I would like to point out that I have successfully run a fantasy baseball team for 28 years. And by successfully I mean I’ve won two titles in 28 years which is more than your predecessors can say. I have to believe that you could use a devout, hard-working, loyal Cub fan to take some of the responsibilities off the rest of your staff. Surely there are pencils to be sharpened, or logos that need to be colored in on the letterhead.

I’ll even start from the bottom and valet park the VIP cars. Anything just to be part of your team. Ooh! Here's an idea. Pat Hughes. Following your Bill Walsh model, Hughes has been running on fumes for the last four or five years. You want to put your stamp in the manager's chair, how about the broadcast booth as well? Stamp me there! Signed, sealed delivered, I'm yours.

All I ask is that there not be any staff events that include the family. My wife thinks you’re hot. Not Tony Romo hot, but hot none the less. I don’t need the additional stress.

Thanks in advance for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Rich Bentel

That Just Gripes My Cookies

Major Frank Burns, in a moment of frustration with Army life or perhaps due to bunking with Hawkeye and BJ uttered the immortal and hilarious words “That really gripes my cookies.” This one’s for you, Ol’ Ferret Face.

Pat Hughes taking the 5^th inning off.

Any commercial by ESPN’s Colin Cowherd. Leave Gert alone!

Tom Waddle complaining about how tired he is after working the weekend in LA and then flying to Chicago to do his on-air job at ESPN. Buddy, you’re the one who chose to have two jobs that require being in two different states during the same week.

People with a sense of entitlement.

My cheerleading daughter wearing an article of clothing called a spanky. Dude, that’s my daughter you’re talking about.

Morons who have to talk on their cell phones WHILE THEY’RE BACKING OUT OF A PARKING STALL!!

Advice or information that is dismissed out of hand when provided by a parent but accepted as Gospel when offered by a teacher or coach.

Darren Jackson’s condescending delivery of play-by-play or analysis. Yes, you have 2629 more Major League At Bats than 99.9% of the world but your baseball resume does not support your arrogance.

Anything spoken by Mike Greenberg or Mike Golic. Boy this is becoming ESPN heavy – I need to diversify my life a bit.

More than seven consecutive days of 80+ degree temperatures in Chicago and the Cubs won’t play their next game at Wrigley until April, 2012. #Wastedopportunity.

Using the Express Checkout line at the grocery store and experiencing either A) a customer who apparently failed the mathematical challenge of counting to 20 in grammar school, or B) the customer who is taken by surprise that once all their items have been scanned some sort of payment is required.

Joe Posnanski is just so damn good. I post things to the Monroe Doctrine for fun. But I try to take it seriously and do it well. Shoot I was on the Sports Staff of the award winning school newspaper (The Trapeze) in high school, so the resume is there. But then I read the blogs posted by Posnanski and understand the difference between what good is and what I post here. If you haven’t found his site, do yourself a favor. Visit joeposnanski.blogspot.com and enjoy. Thanks to the Killers for finding this site and passing it along.