A wise man once said “It is important to know from whence one came.” I don’t know who said it and if no one did say it, I think I would like to have said it; it sounds kind of cool.
Anyway, in what is becoming a multi-part story, I took a trip down memory lane of CFCL History. Being a statistics and numbers guy (as in Hank Aaron has 755 homeruns and the next active player in line to potentially pass him is Ken Griffey Jr. with 578. If you want to include Bonds and Sosa, then let Aaron’s number be indexed for steroid inflation), I noticed some interesting numbers and information about our current and past owners.
That’s almost as many teams that make the NHL playoffs each year: There have been 34 franchises in the 24 year history of the CFCL.
Two score and many drafts ago: Four teams have been in the CFCL for at least 20 years (Rebels & Copperfields – 24 years; Ruffins – 22 years; Lambchops – 20 years;)
Baker’s (not Dusty, dude) dozen: Of the 34 owners, 13 stayed in for at least 5 years. [Kenn and Teddy, you’re one year away from making it an even fifteen]
One is the loneliest number: Seven teams only stayed around for one year.
A long way to go and a short time to get there: The Bald Eagles were in the league for only six years and yet 90% of the Constitution is written because of him.
And somehow Steve Irwin wasn’t part of the CFCL: Seven franchises have been named from the Animal Kingdom [Big Dogs, Lambchops, Reservoir Dogs, Penguins, Eagles, Swordfish and Bulls]
Richie Daley has nothing on us: Six owners have been related. [Fred, David and Paul Mahlan – Father and sons; Rich and Matt Bentel – Cousins; Ken Welsch – Brother-in-law of Rich Bentel]
Down home country: One team was named for Americana. [Davies Crocketts]
Amazing but true: The now defunct Six Packs have a longer tenure (16 years) than all but five current owners.
Forgive me, father, for I have . . : One team was named for the clergy. [Fred’s Friars]
What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas: Even though some anal retentive regulatory boards are trying to call this gambling, only one team had a gambling theme in its name. [Aces to Win]
Man, he looks familiar: One owner named his team, apparently after looking in the mirror. [Bald Eagles – if you knew Bob Monroe you know what I’m talking about. If you never met Bob (consider yourself lucky – that means you weren’t at risk of being coerced into a lopsided trade) check out the history part of the CFCL for Bob’s picture.
Hey that sounds familiar: Two teams are homonyms {not that there’s anything wrong with that}. [Picts and Picks]
Well what did you expect: We should have seen it coming. Of the teams that bailed after one year, the team names should have given us a clue they weren’t long for the CFCL. [The Apollos – named for a defunct space program; The Headless Horsemen – how long can you last without using your head? Aside from the 24 years exhibited by the Rebels, I mean; The Ghostbusters – really, no substance; The Spherechuckers – borderline racist name; Z-28s – a broken down, outdated car]
The question has to be asked: Who in the hell was/is Paul Skupien??! (owner of the Swordfish)
If this trip down memory lane didn’t make you feel old, then here’s this: HAPPY FATHER’S DAY to all you dads out there!!
Monday, June 25, 2007
Monday, June 18, 2007
Egghead and Hothead
It finally boiled over. The tension between Carlos Zambrano (Dem Rebels) and Michael Barrett (David’s Copperfields) came to a head at Wrigley Field. It has been simmering a while now, 23 years to be exact.
“They’ve been kicking our ass in the standings every doggone year,” states Head Rebel Bentel. “And all with ‘class and charm’, those damn top hats, tails and walking sticks. It’s over! Something had to be done. Barrett has been embarrassing my team all year long with his passed balls and throws into the outfield on stolen bases.”
Zambrano backs up his boss. “When I approached egghead (Barrett) in the dugout to ask him why he can’t catch anymore he looks at me with this dumbass lost look in his eyes. Then he points to the sky saying that he was watching an airplane in the sky while I was pitching. I couldn’t help it, I had to deck him.”
Barrett provides a different version of the story. “Big baby Z, as in last in the alphabet – as in last in all pitching statisitics, comes at me asking me why I missed his latest weakass offering. I pointed to the sky and said ‘I called for a fastball and you throw a wobbling butterfly.’ Then he gets this Pierzynski look in his eye and he throws down. What’s up with that?”
Dugout management tried to break things up and ushered the players into the clubhouse. “I’m minding my own business,” claims Barrett, “popping in Sade into my CD player and then Mr. I Only Care About My Batting Average comes over and sucker punches me, splitting my lip. So off I go to the hospital and now I’m talking like I’m doing Bill Cosby’s dentist routine.”
Copperfield Management has this perspective. “This all goes back to the Mount Olympus days,” says Copperflop. “When Bentel and I shared an apartment he was on my last nerve. Never doing the cleaning, never doing any cooking and always playing that hillbilly music. I mean c’mon, how many times can you listen to Rocky Top? I’ve had it.”
Bentel retorts, “He says it’s from Mount Olympus days? Well he’s probably right. Did he mention how many freaking times I had to double back to the apartment to let him in because he locked his keys inside? Christ, if I had a nickel for everytime that happened I wouldn’t have to work my finely toned ass off running this club. I’d be independently wealthy.”
Mahlan laid out the final word. “I’m sick of being the nice guy all the time. Remember, they attacked us. I called my buddy Sean Connery for some advice. He suggested this: ‘They put one of yours in the hospital; you put one of theirs in the morgue. That’s the Chicago way.’”
“They’ve been kicking our ass in the standings every doggone year,” states Head Rebel Bentel. “And all with ‘class and charm’, those damn top hats, tails and walking sticks. It’s over! Something had to be done. Barrett has been embarrassing my team all year long with his passed balls and throws into the outfield on stolen bases.”
Zambrano backs up his boss. “When I approached egghead (Barrett) in the dugout to ask him why he can’t catch anymore he looks at me with this dumbass lost look in his eyes. Then he points to the sky saying that he was watching an airplane in the sky while I was pitching. I couldn’t help it, I had to deck him.”
Barrett provides a different version of the story. “Big baby Z, as in last in the alphabet – as in last in all pitching statisitics, comes at me asking me why I missed his latest weakass offering. I pointed to the sky and said ‘I called for a fastball and you throw a wobbling butterfly.’ Then he gets this Pierzynski look in his eye and he throws down. What’s up with that?”
Dugout management tried to break things up and ushered the players into the clubhouse. “I’m minding my own business,” claims Barrett, “popping in Sade into my CD player and then Mr. I Only Care About My Batting Average comes over and sucker punches me, splitting my lip. So off I go to the hospital and now I’m talking like I’m doing Bill Cosby’s dentist routine.”
Copperfield Management has this perspective. “This all goes back to the Mount Olympus days,” says Copperflop. “When Bentel and I shared an apartment he was on my last nerve. Never doing the cleaning, never doing any cooking and always playing that hillbilly music. I mean c’mon, how many times can you listen to Rocky Top? I’ve had it.”
Bentel retorts, “He says it’s from Mount Olympus days? Well he’s probably right. Did he mention how many freaking times I had to double back to the apartment to let him in because he locked his keys inside? Christ, if I had a nickel for everytime that happened I wouldn’t have to work my finely toned ass off running this club. I’d be independently wealthy.”
Mahlan laid out the final word. “I’m sick of being the nice guy all the time. Remember, they attacked us. I called my buddy Sean Connery for some advice. He suggested this: ‘They put one of yours in the hospital; you put one of theirs in the morgue. That’s the Chicago way.’”
Monday, June 11, 2007
What It Doesn't Take To Win
A few years ago (ok, it was probably more like ten years ago) I came up with a theory. I shared it with a few of you and my theory went like this: The CFCL team that has the NL Homerun Champion on its roster has never won the CFCL Championship. It’s kind of like the person that wins the car on Survivor never wins the $1,000,000 prize.
Well after much research (and I must insert here that what you see below could not have been done without the amazing record keeping of our League Secretary, David Mahlan. Additionally, when I told David I was on the prowl of a specific Monroe Doctrine topic and needed to access the CFCL Archives, he was able to make the records available within two days. Amazing, amazing stuff) I found out that my theory is not entirely valid. OK, it’s not valid at all. I mean, I was sort of right if you want to consider that no CFCL team has won the title and had the homerun champ while Survivor has been on the air.
But the reality is that in the CFCL’s first year the ForGoetz Me Nots won the whole gonfalon AND owned Mike Schmidt who was the Co-Homer Champion (along with Dale Murphy). Hey, maybe that’s a loophole. No OUTRIGHT homer champion has ever been on a CFCL champion team. Well, no. In 1988 the Copperfields won the title (big surprise – it was the end of their three-peat) AND they owned Darryl Strawberry, SOLE homerun champion. Rats, a perfectly good theory shot to hell.
However, since 1988 (18 full seasons) no one has won the title with the home run champ. And in 21 of 23 years the CFCL Champion has not owned the homer champ. That would mean that any sane/intelligent owner should trade their homerun stud immediately (Prince Fielder leading the NL with 19 homeruns).
Backoff you vultures!!!! I clearly wrote “any sane/intelligent owner” which immediately removes Rebel ownership from that sentence. Prince isn’t going anywhere (quick – what do Proud Papa Cecil and Proud Owner Bentel have in common? Prince doesn’t talk to either one of us.)
Interesting stats from doing this research:
* 13 teams have finished in the money with the homerun champion.
* Many teams owned the homerun champ twice
* The Lambchops had the homerun champion on their team four times (Dem Rebels were second with three champions, and sadly that was a three year run of owning the steroid twins, McGuire and Sosa)
* Only once (last year) was the HR Champ traded during the season. This is especially interesting since the champ almost never ends up on the CFCL champion. Ten years the team with the HR Champ finished out of the money, you would think a couple of those teams would have traded the most productive member of their team to build for next year.
* With only six teams in the league in 1984 and eight teams in 1988, the odds were improved that a homerun champion would emerge on the best team (additionally in ’84 two players qualified as Home Run Champion).
HR Champ CFCL Champ Team owning HR
Champ
2006 – Howard Ruffins Kenndoza Line(4th
Place)/Copperfield (7th Place)
2005 – A. Jones Copperfields Kenndoza Line (3rd Place)
2004 – Beltre Stones Resevoir Dogs (8th Place)
2003 – Thome Lambchops Resevoir Dogs (3rd Place)
2002 – Sosa Lambchops Tenacious B (4th Place)
2001 – Bonds Copperfields DoorMatts (3rd Place)
2000 – Sosa Copperfields Dem Rebels (2nd Place)
1999 – McGwire Six Packs Dem Rebels (8th Place)
1998 – McGwire Ruffins Dem Rebels (6th Place)
1997 – Walker Copperfields ForGoetz Me Nots (7th Place)
1996 – Galarraga Dem Rebels DoorMatts (7th Place)
1995 – Bichette Copperfields Ruffins (4th Place)
1994 – M. Williams Meisters Lamchops (4th Place)
1993 – Bonds Copperfields Kents (5th Place)
1992 – McGriff Copperfields Lambchops (5th Place)
1991 – H. Johnson Bald Eagles Ruffins (6th Place)
1990 – Sandberg Copperfields Lambchops (5th Place)
1988 – Strawberry Copperfields Copperfields (1st Place)
1987 – Dawson Copperfields Penguins (3rd Place)
1986 – Schmidt Copperfields Z-28s (7th Place)
1985 – Murphy Mudville Sluggers Friars (2nd Place)
1984 – Murphy, Schmidt ForGoetz Me Nots Friars (3rd Place)/ForGoetz
Me Nots (1st Place)
Monday, June 4, 2007
A Tragedy and Stupidity
Dateline St. Louis – The father of Josh Hancock has taken it upon himself to protect the image of his son. He has filed suit against the restaurant that served Hancock, the towing company whose truck Hancock ran into and the driver whose car was stalled on the expressway.
That certainly makes sense since Josh Hancock, an adult and professional athlete, was entirely incompetent and at the mercy of the restaurant that was holding his mouth open and pouring the drinks down his throat. There is a complaint that Hancock was handed a drink when he walked in the door and was never without a drink until he left. The implication here is that it’s the restaurant/owner/bartender’s fault that Hancock left the restaurant inebriated. Instead, perhaps Mr. Hancock should have taught his son the power of the word “NO”.
What’s missing in this lawsuit is for Dean Hancock (father) to sue the rental car company (keep in mind that Hancock was driving a rental car because he had banged up his own car a couple of days before under what is suspected to be DUI circumstances) for providing keys that would allow a car’s ignition to start for a driver that had been drinking. Then there’s the cell phone company that was negligent because Hancock was driving while talking on the phone. The cell phone should have been programmed to be inoperable when its use is attempted by an intoxicated, car driving moron.
This is so “Your hot coffee spilled on my lap!” crap. I can’t imagine the pain that the Hancock family is going through, and hopefully as a parent I’ll never be put in that position. But that being said, it is high time for everyone to stand up and take responsibility for their actions. We are a very forgiving society. “I’m sorry” cures a lot of ills and begins the healing process. Pete Rose, Barry Bonds, Josh Hancock’s family all want to blame other people because they are idiots.
Thank god that Hancock only killed himself. There was the owner of a stalled out car (caused by being cut off by another driver) and a tow truck driver trying to assist the stalled vehicle that were at risk. There were countless other drivers and pedestrians out and about that night that Hancock could have run into.
When I first heard about the lawsuit, I assumed it was the tow truck company or stalled car driver suing the estate of Hancock because they figured he was a millionaire ballplayer. My gut reaction was “C’mon guys, the guy died and no one else was hurt.” But by comparison, that lawsuit would make a hell of a lot more sense than Hancock’s estate suing a restaurant, tow truck company and driver of a disabled car.
Instead of throwing the case out of court, the judge should rule that Hancock’s estate should make a sizable contribution to MADD.
That certainly makes sense since Josh Hancock, an adult and professional athlete, was entirely incompetent and at the mercy of the restaurant that was holding his mouth open and pouring the drinks down his throat. There is a complaint that Hancock was handed a drink when he walked in the door and was never without a drink until he left. The implication here is that it’s the restaurant/owner/bartender’s fault that Hancock left the restaurant inebriated. Instead, perhaps Mr. Hancock should have taught his son the power of the word “NO”.
What’s missing in this lawsuit is for Dean Hancock (father) to sue the rental car company (keep in mind that Hancock was driving a rental car because he had banged up his own car a couple of days before under what is suspected to be DUI circumstances) for providing keys that would allow a car’s ignition to start for a driver that had been drinking. Then there’s the cell phone company that was negligent because Hancock was driving while talking on the phone. The cell phone should have been programmed to be inoperable when its use is attempted by an intoxicated, car driving moron.
This is so “Your hot coffee spilled on my lap!” crap. I can’t imagine the pain that the Hancock family is going through, and hopefully as a parent I’ll never be put in that position. But that being said, it is high time for everyone to stand up and take responsibility for their actions. We are a very forgiving society. “I’m sorry” cures a lot of ills and begins the healing process. Pete Rose, Barry Bonds, Josh Hancock’s family all want to blame other people because they are idiots.
Thank god that Hancock only killed himself. There was the owner of a stalled out car (caused by being cut off by another driver) and a tow truck driver trying to assist the stalled vehicle that were at risk. There were countless other drivers and pedestrians out and about that night that Hancock could have run into.
When I first heard about the lawsuit, I assumed it was the tow truck company or stalled car driver suing the estate of Hancock because they figured he was a millionaire ballplayer. My gut reaction was “C’mon guys, the guy died and no one else was hurt.” But by comparison, that lawsuit would make a hell of a lot more sense than Hancock’s estate suing a restaurant, tow truck company and driver of a disabled car.
Instead of throwing the case out of court, the judge should rule that Hancock’s estate should make a sizable contribution to MADD.
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