The Monroe Doctrine is proud to present a musical interlude. Sung by the CFCL Madrigal Singers, it is to the tune of My Darling Clementine and offered as a dirge.
Oh, Paul Meisters. Oh, Paul Meisters. Oh Paul Meisters, where’d ya go?
You were drafting then you left us, now your 12th place, Meister Boy.
Drafting old guys, drafting old guys, drafting old guys is what you do.
But when they break down, you don’t switch them, now it’s 18 (active) of 23.
You could have traded, could have traded, could have traded expiring studs
But you held on to Alou and Holliday and have no core for next year.
You’ve got Neighborgall, you’ve got Neighborgall, you’ve got Neighborgall, why is that?
He’d miss water from a boat, can you say Nuke Laloosh?
Oh Paul Meisters, Oh Paul Meisters, Oh Paul Meisters, how are you?
When we write you, you don’t answer. Makes us wonder what is up.
Rumors run wild, rumors run wild, rumors run wild around the league.
Either you forgot the Sportsline website or are Jessie Biel’s adult slave.
Are you plotting, are you plotting, are you plotting for next year?
If that’s the case then why not bid point four three on Mark Teixeira?
Are you crying, are you crying, are you crying for the White Sox?
I don’t blame you for a minute, they really suck this year.
Hope we see you, hope we see you, hope we see you more next year.
We really need twelve owners who are on top of their moves.
But we kid, but we kid, but we kid and mean no harm.
Hope to see you at the banquet, where the sausage will be warm.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Monday, August 20, 2007
The Professor Returneth
In our never ending effort to track down any story anywhere, the Monroe Doctrine dispatched Ace Reporter Bubba Whatly to stake out the Raleigh International Airport for the much anticipated return of The Professor. Bubba was able to pin down The Head Ruffin just after clearing customs. After waiting an extra fifteen minutes for the completion of the Suspicious Orifice Search (on Whatley, not Holian), Bubba came away with this interview.
Bubba Whatly: Professor! Professor! Over here! Bubba Whatly with the Monroe Doctrine? Can I ask you a few questions?
Head Ruffin: I’m just a retired businessman living on a pension. Oh, wait, wrong movie. What’s up, Bub?
BW: It’s Bub-ba. My parents paid extra for the second syllable. What took you to Italy during baseball season?
HR: My wife is an art major so we went to all sorts of museums, The Louvre, the Guggenheim . . .
BW: Isn't the Louvre in France?
HR: You ever been to Europe?
BW: No.
HR: Then shut up!
BW: Okay. Was there anything that surprised you about Italy?
HR: Interesting fact. Most people think Italy has a lot of pasta and wine. Actually they serve diet yoohoo and farva beans.
BW: That could explain why Pavoratti always sounds like he’s in pain when he sings. Were you and your wife able to do any site seeing?
HR: We did a bit of site seeing. I was disappointed with the Coliseum. It's nothing like the one in Los Angeles. Walking around Italy was fun though. The street performances were amazing. Mimes are big over there along with puppeteers and Drew Carey impersonators.
BW: You mentioned the cuisine wasn’t what you had expected. Other than that how was your dining experience?
HR: When we would go out for dinner, the music that played overhead was surprising. I was expecting Dean Martin and it ended up being Jerry Lewis.
BW: I have to be honest. The rest of the league was pretty amazed at the lack of activity on your part during the season as you defend your CFCL title. What gives?
HR: You were expecting me to make a lot of trades at the deadline; that makes sense. But I was predisposed. George Clooney had us out on his banana boat on Lake Como as the deadline expired. I kept saying “George, I’ve got some things to do man. Yeah I know we’re bonding and, yes, I agreed to be in Ocean’s 14, but I have obligations.” Didn’t do any good. He wouldn’t dock the damn thing. Of course the upside is that I’m one of his guys in Ocean’s 14. And let me tell you, Brad Pitt is really, really good looking. I’m just saying.
BW: Hey cool! You have a cameo in Ocean’s 14?
HR: Who said cameo? Did you hear me say cameo? I have a STARRING role! I’m the 14 in Ocean’s 14. Cameos are for has beens like Ron Palillo and Marlo Thomas.
Anyway, on top of that I had trouble following baseball and the CFCL. The Internet doesn't work the same way over there as it does in the States. I came packing with AC and all they had was DC. The only time I could get online all my screen would say is "It's going to be a belle sera."
BW: Wow that must have been tough not being able to make moves and try to run at the title again. What did you do with your free time?
HR: Well, we watched the local TV programs. Howie Mandel has been syndicated in Italy. He hosts a show called "Deal or No Deal You Can't Refuse".
BW: On behalf of the CFCL, the Monroe Doctrine and your students, Welcome Back!
HR: Tell me the truth . . . Did I get ripped in the Monroe Doctrine while I was gone?
BW: I don’t think so, it’s hard to remember. Hey, somebody text Mahlan quick to see if these things are archived.
Bubba Whatly: Professor! Professor! Over here! Bubba Whatly with the Monroe Doctrine? Can I ask you a few questions?
Head Ruffin: I’m just a retired businessman living on a pension. Oh, wait, wrong movie. What’s up, Bub?
BW: It’s Bub-ba. My parents paid extra for the second syllable. What took you to Italy during baseball season?
HR: My wife is an art major so we went to all sorts of museums, The Louvre, the Guggenheim . . .
BW: Isn't the Louvre in France?
HR: You ever been to Europe?
BW: No.
HR: Then shut up!
BW: Okay. Was there anything that surprised you about Italy?
HR: Interesting fact. Most people think Italy has a lot of pasta and wine. Actually they serve diet yoohoo and farva beans.
BW: That could explain why Pavoratti always sounds like he’s in pain when he sings. Were you and your wife able to do any site seeing?
HR: We did a bit of site seeing. I was disappointed with the Coliseum. It's nothing like the one in Los Angeles. Walking around Italy was fun though. The street performances were amazing. Mimes are big over there along with puppeteers and Drew Carey impersonators.
BW: You mentioned the cuisine wasn’t what you had expected. Other than that how was your dining experience?
HR: When we would go out for dinner, the music that played overhead was surprising. I was expecting Dean Martin and it ended up being Jerry Lewis.
BW: I have to be honest. The rest of the league was pretty amazed at the lack of activity on your part during the season as you defend your CFCL title. What gives?
HR: You were expecting me to make a lot of trades at the deadline; that makes sense. But I was predisposed. George Clooney had us out on his banana boat on Lake Como as the deadline expired. I kept saying “George, I’ve got some things to do man. Yeah I know we’re bonding and, yes, I agreed to be in Ocean’s 14, but I have obligations.” Didn’t do any good. He wouldn’t dock the damn thing. Of course the upside is that I’m one of his guys in Ocean’s 14. And let me tell you, Brad Pitt is really, really good looking. I’m just saying.
BW: Hey cool! You have a cameo in Ocean’s 14?
HR: Who said cameo? Did you hear me say cameo? I have a STARRING role! I’m the 14 in Ocean’s 14. Cameos are for has beens like Ron Palillo and Marlo Thomas.
Anyway, on top of that I had trouble following baseball and the CFCL. The Internet doesn't work the same way over there as it does in the States. I came packing with AC and all they had was DC. The only time I could get online all my screen would say is "It's going to be a belle sera."
BW: Wow that must have been tough not being able to make moves and try to run at the title again. What did you do with your free time?
HR: Well, we watched the local TV programs. Howie Mandel has been syndicated in Italy. He hosts a show called "Deal or No Deal You Can't Refuse".
BW: On behalf of the CFCL, the Monroe Doctrine and your students, Welcome Back!
HR: Tell me the truth . . . Did I get ripped in the Monroe Doctrine while I was gone?
BW: I don’t think so, it’s hard to remember. Hey, somebody text Mahlan quick to see if these things are archived.
Monday, August 13, 2007
500 And 300 - Which Is More?
Another phone call from the brain trust of the Monroe Doctrine (and by that I mean, the DoorMatts). Whenever Matt has time to think and gives me a call, we end up with an article that causes you to think – like the greatest player of each decade. Whenever he’s too busy to call, we end up with silly fluff – like a tribute to the number 4.
The latest call generated this: Twelve of the twenty-one members of the 500 Homerun club are black or Hispanic. And when A-Rod hits his next homerun it will be thirteen of twenty-two.
Zero of the twenty-two members of the 300 win club are black or Hispanic. When Glavine wins his next it will be zero of twenty-three.
Why?
There have been great non-white pitchers. Gibson, Marichal, Newcombe, Jenkins, Pedro, Vida Blue, Dennis Martinez. But none of them have 300 wins (Jenkins is closest with 284).
It could be the black quarterback syndrome wherein a team puts their most talented player at a position where they can display all their “skills” on a daily basis.
It could be that there was/is a sense of racism (in baseball? No way!) such that management didn’t feel comfortable putting the fate of their team in the hands of a person of color.
It could be that teams wouldn’t give pitchers of color as much leeway to pitch out of jams and thus earn wins. Or didn’t allow them to begin their major league career as early so they had a chance at getting 300 wins. Or wore out their arms (Gooden, Gibson, Martinez) so that their careers were cut short.
Certainly the fact that players of color were not allowed to participate in the Major Leagues until 1947, and then at an embarrassingly slow pace, plays into the fact that a lot of careers didn’t blossom to full potential (Newcombe, Paige, Radcliffe). But in our lifetime we have seen Clemens, Maddux, Carlton, Ryan, Sutton, Niekro, Perry and Seaver (and soon Glavine) eclipse the 300 mark. Why no pitchers of color?
Offensively in our lifetime (and by that I mean when we were old enough to pay attention to baseball) we have seen Schmidt and McGwire pass 500. But also there have been Bonds, Palmiero, Sosa, Griffey, Jackson, McCovey, Thomas and soon A-Rod who have joined the 500 club.
Nine new members of the 500 club and seven are of color. Eight new members of the 300 win club and none are of color. What gives? Perhaps it comes from the adage of why there were so many aggressive hitters coming from the Dominican. “You can’t walk off the island.” Unless you throw a ball 105 mph, it may be hard to impress scouts and truly standout. But if you can hit a ball 500 feet and run like the wind, you have more opportunity to catch a scout’s eye. So maybe players of color are themselves deciding to line up on the offensive side of the ball.
At first I thought it could be economics; that a ballclub didn’t want to pay a player of color more than a white guy. But starting pitchers don’t make as much as the offensive stars, so that theory doesn’t fly.
I honestly don’t have an answer with which to end this column. Since Matt pointed this out a couple of weeks ago, I have wracked my brain to come up with a logical answer. The “black quarterback syndrome” is what Matt and his entourage have settled on. Could be. I have no clear cut answer in my mind.
The latest call generated this: Twelve of the twenty-one members of the 500 Homerun club are black or Hispanic. And when A-Rod hits his next homerun it will be thirteen of twenty-two.
Zero of the twenty-two members of the 300 win club are black or Hispanic. When Glavine wins his next it will be zero of twenty-three.
Why?
There have been great non-white pitchers. Gibson, Marichal, Newcombe, Jenkins, Pedro, Vida Blue, Dennis Martinez. But none of them have 300 wins (Jenkins is closest with 284).
It could be the black quarterback syndrome wherein a team puts their most talented player at a position where they can display all their “skills” on a daily basis.
It could be that there was/is a sense of racism (in baseball? No way!) such that management didn’t feel comfortable putting the fate of their team in the hands of a person of color.
It could be that teams wouldn’t give pitchers of color as much leeway to pitch out of jams and thus earn wins. Or didn’t allow them to begin their major league career as early so they had a chance at getting 300 wins. Or wore out their arms (Gooden, Gibson, Martinez) so that their careers were cut short.
Certainly the fact that players of color were not allowed to participate in the Major Leagues until 1947, and then at an embarrassingly slow pace, plays into the fact that a lot of careers didn’t blossom to full potential (Newcombe, Paige, Radcliffe). But in our lifetime we have seen Clemens, Maddux, Carlton, Ryan, Sutton, Niekro, Perry and Seaver (and soon Glavine) eclipse the 300 mark. Why no pitchers of color?
Offensively in our lifetime (and by that I mean when we were old enough to pay attention to baseball) we have seen Schmidt and McGwire pass 500. But also there have been Bonds, Palmiero, Sosa, Griffey, Jackson, McCovey, Thomas and soon A-Rod who have joined the 500 club.
Nine new members of the 500 club and seven are of color. Eight new members of the 300 win club and none are of color. What gives? Perhaps it comes from the adage of why there were so many aggressive hitters coming from the Dominican. “You can’t walk off the island.” Unless you throw a ball 105 mph, it may be hard to impress scouts and truly standout. But if you can hit a ball 500 feet and run like the wind, you have more opportunity to catch a scout’s eye. So maybe players of color are themselves deciding to line up on the offensive side of the ball.
At first I thought it could be economics; that a ballclub didn’t want to pay a player of color more than a white guy. But starting pitchers don’t make as much as the offensive stars, so that theory doesn’t fly.
I honestly don’t have an answer with which to end this column. Since Matt pointed this out a couple of weeks ago, I have wracked my brain to come up with a logical answer. The “black quarterback syndrome” is what Matt and his entourage have settled on. Could be. I have no clear cut answer in my mind.
Monday, August 6, 2007
The Good Stuff - Forget The Bad Stuff
Major League Baseball is a wonderful pastime with plenty to enjoy. But it doesn’t come without its warts. Here’s a look at what is good – and not so good about baseball.
RIGHT: It transcends generations. You can read about what Lefty Grove and Lou Gehrig did and it still means as much today as it did back then.
WRONG: All-Star game decides World Series home field advantage. It should go to the team with the best regular season record.
RIGHT: Derek Jeter
WRONG: Baseball doesn’t have the guts to deal with Barry Bonds (or any other “star” player). Neifi Perez was suspended for 100 games? Let’s see if baseball even notices.
RIGHT: World Series games that start in the afternoon.
WRONG: World Series games that start at 8pm Central Time and end close to midnight.
RIGHT: Hosing down the infield just before game time.
WRONG: Not allowing players of all colors and creeds to participate from the very beginning.
RIGHT: You can play catch with your dad or child (cue Field of Dreams lighting and music) and have a connection. Can’t do that with golf when I hook my drive into the fairway on the left and my dad searches for his ball in the woods on the right.
WRONG: The Minnesota Humpdome and Tropicana Field
RIGHT: Wrigley Field, PNC Park and Fenway Park
WRONG: Interleague play
RIGHT: No time clock. As long as you haven’t made three outs, anything is possible.
WRONG: Wild Card Playoff system
RIGHT: Vin Scully, Peter Gammons, Rick Sutcliffe, Steve Stone
WRONG: Chris Berman, Chip Caray, John Kruk, Joe Morgan
RIGHT: Any ballplayer legging out a triple
WRONG: ESPN moving the Sunday Night Game of the Week ahead a couple of hours so they can broadcast the ESPYs in primetime (it’s a tape delay!!!! It’s not even live!)
RIGHT: The crack of a wood bat, the slap of a leather glove.
WRONG: The Gold Glove Award is often times influenced by a player’s offensive production.
RIGHT: Organ music or, even better, just crowd noise for ballpark ambiance.
WRONG: Hard rock music blaring from the speakers.
RIGHT: Twelve guys sitting around on a late March Sunday building for the future and enjoying the camaraderie.
RIGHT: It transcends generations. You can read about what Lefty Grove and Lou Gehrig did and it still means as much today as it did back then.
WRONG: All-Star game decides World Series home field advantage. It should go to the team with the best regular season record.
RIGHT: Derek Jeter
WRONG: Baseball doesn’t have the guts to deal with Barry Bonds (or any other “star” player). Neifi Perez was suspended for 100 games? Let’s see if baseball even notices.
RIGHT: World Series games that start in the afternoon.
WRONG: World Series games that start at 8pm Central Time and end close to midnight.
RIGHT: Hosing down the infield just before game time.
WRONG: Not allowing players of all colors and creeds to participate from the very beginning.
RIGHT: You can play catch with your dad or child (cue Field of Dreams lighting and music) and have a connection. Can’t do that with golf when I hook my drive into the fairway on the left and my dad searches for his ball in the woods on the right.
WRONG: The Minnesota Humpdome and Tropicana Field
RIGHT: Wrigley Field, PNC Park and Fenway Park
WRONG: Interleague play
RIGHT: No time clock. As long as you haven’t made three outs, anything is possible.
WRONG: Wild Card Playoff system
RIGHT: Vin Scully, Peter Gammons, Rick Sutcliffe, Steve Stone
WRONG: Chris Berman, Chip Caray, John Kruk, Joe Morgan
RIGHT: Any ballplayer legging out a triple
WRONG: ESPN moving the Sunday Night Game of the Week ahead a couple of hours so they can broadcast the ESPYs in primetime (it’s a tape delay!!!! It’s not even live!)
RIGHT: The crack of a wood bat, the slap of a leather glove.
WRONG: The Gold Glove Award is often times influenced by a player’s offensive production.
RIGHT: Organ music or, even better, just crowd noise for ballpark ambiance.
WRONG: Hard rock music blaring from the speakers.
RIGHT: Twelve guys sitting around on a late March Sunday building for the future and enjoying the camaraderie.
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