Too Manny in Left

Memo to Jim Hendry:

Congratulations on your recent contract extension. Well earned. There is no question that from April to September you are the best GM in baseball. Now that your near future is secure, perhaps you could do something to secure the near future of the Cubs and their fans. Number one on that list would be to ignore the rumors of trying to bring Manny Ramirez to the Friendly Confines.

You’ve been successful for the past seven years and no doubt know all there is to know about the current state of the Cubs. But while you were cutting your baseball teeth at Creighton University and with the Florida Marlins, we need you to understand there is more to Cubs history than Ron Santo.

We have had our fair share of problems in leftfield – Dave Kingman, George Bell and Moises Alou. Offensive forces in their own right, but absolute dogs in the field and on the basepaths.

The last thing this club needs is another Ramirez preening in the batter’s box as his fly ball lands on the warning track for a “better-hurry-my-ass-to-make-this-a” double. Two Ramirez’s would be too many.

If you insist on putting someone with long hair out on the field, put Marla Collins back in blue pinstripes.

You know Boras isn’t going to let Manny go anywhere for less than four years and they’re pushing for six. With Manny being Manny for thirty-six years now, the last thing we need is to watch a 41 year old stumbling around left field. Haven’t we learned our lesson from Soriano? And he’s only 32.

There’s no doubt that Ramirez has been the premier right handed hitting stud since 1995. But unless he has a Bondsian streak in him, his skills should start to deteriorate and soon. Maybe you get a really great year and one or two decent (in Manny-terms) years after that. He alone will not get the Cubs to the World Series. You still need to find other players who know how to hit between the end of the regular season and Spring Training. Last time I looked, the Dodgers weren’t facing the Rays in the World Series.

One final point. It’s not about the money. You want to spend $130 million to put ballplayers on the field? Fine by me – it’s not my money. It’s the Tribune’s, or Cuban’s or whomever. As a fan I don’t care how much you’re paying these guys.

However, if we are to be teased over the course of six months, only to face a questionable fall, I would prefer we do it with talented, driven ballplayers. Not talented, me-first players.

Torn Between Two Lovers

I was watching the Red Sox lose huge to the Rays in game 4 of the ALCS and I had a Mary McGregor moment. Since my childhood I’ve been a closet Red Sox fan. Something about the long-time suffering, historic ballpark rang true with me as a Cubs fan.

So here’s my favorite American League team getting knocked around (and as of tonight) knocked out of the playoffs by the Tampa Rays of all teams. As a Cub fan I’m looking at the Rays in the World Series with surprisingly mixed emotions. The Red Sox should have won. They have a history. They’ve been around. Granted they are no longer “long suffering”, but Red Sox vs. Phillies has a lot more cache than Rays vs. Phillies. Not to mention the Rays have possibly the worst ballpark this side of the Metrodome. A stadium like this shouldn’t be part of World Series history. But then again, neither should Minute Maid Park.

A strong part of me says “They shouldn’t be there.” They only have been in existence for 11 years. They don’t have enough history.

However that song has been played – by the Marlins, by the Diamondbacks, and as far as getting to the World Series, by the Rockies. So there is a precedent already set.

On the other side of my shoulder is a healthy dose of respect for the Rays. Unlike the Marlins and Diamondbacks, they did not buy their way into the World Series. The biggest name they brought in was Troy Percival, ten years after Percival was really valuable. They did it with home grown talent. Young guys, no team superstar. They did it with a manager who wasn’t afraid to call out his best player (BJ Upton) for not giving his all. Not once, but twice. Hmm. Dusty – you think Sammy would have gotten it through his ‘roided head that he needed to apply himself if he had been benched or dropped down in the order?

This Rays team was up 3 games to 1, came back home up 3-2 needing to win only one of two at home and did it.

And most importantly, this Rays team was able to overcome a crucial 8th inning error by their shortstop.

Will We Really "Wait For Next Year?"

And so we enter into another horrendously disappointing off-season. After watching the so called Professional Northside Squad look dead for a second straight post-season, all my Cub shirts and jerseys have been buried at the bottom of my chest of drawers, the Cubs flag has been removed from our front porch and I found myself weighing the good and bad.

Bad:
I had to
Ø Watch Soriano and Ramirez show no heart.
Ø Watch Lou fall in love with Fukudome for two games after benching him for two months
Ø Get my hopes up only to be kicked in the pills for a second straight year
Ø Watch the Cubs clinch and say “we learned from last year. We’re on a mission.”
Ø Watch the Cubs clear out their lockers four days later saying “We just didn’t get it done.”
Ø Wonder what really happened to Derrek Lee’s power
Ø Watch Rebel (Harden) face Rebel (Kuroda) knowing full well which Rebel would win out

Good:
Now I’ll have time to
Ø Finish those home projects I started last spring
Ø Get my filing done
Ø Meet with clients in the evenings during October
Ø Start my yoga training
Ø Work on my penmanship
Ø Reacquaint myself with the names of my children and see if they’ve started school yet

I suppose the inherent quality of a Cubs fan is resiliency and to return year after year in the hope that this finally will be the season. But the reality of it is, if the ultimate prize is a World Series title, is it worth investing your heart in the regular season so that you are subjected to a worthless display of baseball in October?

The 25th Year Comes to a Close

We have reached an historic end to the 2008 Baseball Season.

For the first time since 1907 the Chicago Cubs have made it to the playoffs for the second year in a row. For the first time since 1906 both the Chicago Cubs and White Sox have a chance to be in the post-season at the same time. As the Monroe Doctrine went to press the White Sox were waiting to play the Tigers (weather pending) to see if they get the chance to play the Twins to see if they get the chance to play the Rays.

Locally the CFCL has completed its Silver Anniversary season. As one of the longest tenured fantasy leagues in existence we have seen a lot over the past 25 years and hopefully this off-season the Monroe Doctrine will run a series of Commemorative Issues celebrating this accomplishment of longevity.

Congratulations to Steve’s Stones for capturing their second title, one of only five franchises to ever have won multiple CFCL titles.

The Clowns, Better and Revenge completed their inaugural seasons with varying degrees of success. The Revenge started strong and fought hard to stay in the money before fading. Even though the Clowns and Better finished 11th and 12th respectively, both picked up young, inexpensive talent that should help them be competitive in the coming years.

Over the course of the season much has been written on the Forum covering many topics. As we went to press, nothing was official, but two teams have voiced that this most likely is their last season in the CFCL. There are rumors floating about that there may be more than two teams not renewing their membership for 2009.

In conclusion I want to send out a heart-felt thanks to all of you for your loyalty as you checked in week after week. I hope you enjoyed reading the Monroe Doctrine as much as I enjoyed writing it. I know that each week wasn’t a stellar performance, - much like in our everyday lives - but I hope you found a consistency worth checking out. I wish you all a happy and safe off-season and my hope is that we’ll meet again next year to kick off the 26th season of the CFCL.

See you at the banquet! Speaking of which, head over to the Forum and read “Heading into the Home Stretch” for a beginning discussion on banquet days and availability.

NON CFCL NOTES: Can anyone explain to me Lou’s logic in Zambrano being the #2 starter in the playoffs? Is this yet another case of not wanting to upset one of your star players (See Sammy Sosa from 1992-2004). His ERA has risen 1.15 since August 3rd and that INCLUDES the No-Hitter!

Who Do You Want?

The deed is done. For the first time since 1907 the Cubs are in the post-season in consecutive seasons. Now we (Cub fans) await the final week of the campaign to see against whom we will start the playoff chase.

The Monroe Doctrine has never been afraid to put the cart before the horse - in fact we relish it, so let’s assume that our Dearly Be-Cubbed make short work of Philly, the Dodgers, the Metropolitans and/or the Brewers. The big question we have to ask is not “Who will we be facing in the World Series?”, rather “Who do we WANT to be facing in the World Series?”

Our choices are the Rays, Red Sox, Angels and most likely the White Sox. Let me preface the following that I know, I know, I know it’s going to sound like a man who hasn’t eaten in a year complaining that his lobster doesn’t have enough butter sauce. I get that, but I also want to make sure that if the ultimate does happen, it is viewed by historians and rivals alike as a well-earned victory.

So, because of that, I would most certainly hope that the Rays get knocked off the in AL playoffs. As fun of a story as they are this year and even though they have an amazing young, talented nucleus, I wouldn’t want the Cubs first World Series title in 100 years to be against a team that finished over .500 for the first time in their history.

The Red Sox are pretty beat up and are Mannyless. Considering that they have won two titles in the last four years, beating them would certainly be an accomplishment, but you just know that someone out there (and everyone in Boston) would happily say “Yeah, you beat us this year when we were injured. You wouldn’t have touched us if we were healthy like 2004 and 2008.” So I hope the Red Sox get eliminated as well.

The Angels are sporting the league’s best record by a game and a half and are considered the most balanced and deepest team that will reach the playoffs. So certainly beating the Angels would be saying something. They won the Series in 2002 and have a terrific owner in Artie Moreno, but every time I hear the name Angels, I think of the Angels of my childhood. The team that struggled to finish over .500 with guys like Dave Chalk, an aged Joe Rudi and heat throwing Tannana and Ryan. I would have to remind myself that these are not my childhood Angels, these are my son’s Angels.

So that leaves us with the White Sox. This year’s Sox are not as menacing as the 2005 group. However revenge lets us look past that. Once the Sox won in 2005, more than a few Sox fans pointed out to me that the Cubs would eventually win one too. My response was “Yeah, but thanks to the Sox we’ll have finally conquered Mount Everest only to find your empty Coke cans.” So we could enjoy our greatest winter ever by downing the Sox. Of course, this also opens the door for our greatest disappointment of losing to the Sox. But I just checked, the cart is still firmly ahead of the horse, so let’s get ready to pop the bubbly and put those White Sox fans back in their place. I mean, all they had to do in 2005 was beat the Astros who needed the Wild Card to reach the playoffs.

NON CFCL NOTES - I’ve never been a Yankee fan. In fact have hated them since I’m followed baseball (although I am forever in love with Lou Gehrig, not unlike Teresa Wright). But I have to say that the pre-game tribute to Yankee Stadium before Sunday night’s game while predictable was awe inspiring. Seeing the legends run out to their positions was pretty cool. And while Tino Martinez will never make the Hall of Fame, it’s amazing to see and hear the fans cheer for him louder than any other former Yankee.

And The Winner Should Be . . .

On the evening of Wednesday, September 10th, the California Angels of Anaheim and Orange County clinched their division. They are an outstanding 17.5 games ahead of Texas. So now for the remaining three weeks of the season they get to rest their starters and set up their rotation for the playoffs. Good for the Angels, but is it good for baseball? The Angels have nothing to play for. Now I’ve heard comments that Mike Scioscia is a former ballplayer and he won’t let his team get lazy and they’ll still compete, but c’mon. Torii Hunter isn’t going to crash into a wall in the bottom of the ninth to preserve a meaningless win. Mark Teixeira isn’t going to try to score from first on a long double to eke out a win against the Mariners.

Had Bud-dumber not decided that the All-Star winner would determine home field advantage for the World Series and instead declared that the team with the best in-season record would hold home field advantage, the Angels would still be competing. Currently they hold the best record in baseball, HOWEVA (imagine an ESPN sports anchor [name anyone?] doing his best Steven A. Smith impersonation) they only hold a one game lead over the Rays and the Cubs. (Interesting that since the Angels clinched, they have won five in a row and have extended their lead over the Cubs to two games and three over the Rays.) So perhaps my argument is lame since the Angels haven’t put it on cruise control – yet.

Now I know that this scenario isn’t going to play out every season. There are going to be years where the best team in baseball is ahead of everyone else by 10 games with two weeks to play.

[Side note – Going back to 2003 each year except for last year the best team in the NL was within four games of the best team in the AL. Here’s the breakdown not including last year.

2006 Yankees 97 wins Mets 97 wins
2005 White Sox 99 wins Cardinals 100 wins
2004 Yankees 101 wins Cardinals 105 wins
2003 Yankees 101 wins Braves 101 wins

There would be plenty of reason to still try and win. ]

But it would still force the #1 team in baseball to stay competitive and perhaps create a mini-rivalry with a team they wouldn’t normally care about. The Angels and their fans could watch the scoreboard and start to cheer against the Cubs, whereas now the Angels aren’t going to care about the Cubs unless both make it to the World Series.

I still think that home field advantage should go to the team that earned it. The Angels didn’t earn anything by having the AL compatriots win the game determined by a popularity contest. They will have earned the home field advantage by being the best team in baseball over the course of a full 162 game season.


NON-CFCL NOTES: Congratulations to Big Z on his no-hitter against the Astros. The Astros seem destined to be on the short end of historical baseball events for Chicago. Kerry Wood strikes out 20 Astros; The White Sox sweep the Astros in the 2005 World Series and now a no-hitter.

How would you like to be the Brewers management? They open their doors in a time of need and see the first no-hitter thrown in the history of Miller Park and it isn’t done by a Brewer pitcher, nor against the Brewer hitters. Nice little trivia question. Kind of like “Who got the first hit in the Houston Astrodome?” You would think the answer would be an Astro or some National League hitter (ok, so I’ve given you a hint – but I wanted to extend the comparison).

Long Live The Queen

Kim (The Lady Rebel) surprised me last month for my birthday with tickets to a Cubs game. Unfortunately, seats in Wrigley were scarce and expensive, so she made travel arrangements for us to take in a Cubs game in Cincinnati. We packed up our chartreuse microbus and hit the road like Jack Kerrouac with Willie Nelson blaring from our speakers (song anyone?)

Actually I had taken this trip twenty-two years ago. There were some differences, however. Instead of going with my two best friends from high school listening to the Best of Motown heading to Riverfront Stadium full of artificial turf I drove with my family of six listening to the audio portion of “SpongeBob SquarePants The Movie” (“I’m a goofy goober yeah!”) heading to the Great American Ball Park full of natural turf.

Staying at the Embassy Suites just north of Cincinnati was pretty cool. Even though the rooms were dingy, the rest of the hotel was nice and it was filled with Cub fans. Everywhere you looked there was a blue shirt or hat walking the halls, sitting in the lounge or eating in the atrium. The girls got a big kick out of the fact that everyone wanted to talk to them when they walked around (wearing their Cub shirts and hats didn’t hurt).

So Saturday afternoon we headed to the ballpark. Going into it, I didn’t know where to park or how long it would take to get to the park. I asked the front desk how long it would take to get there. “About 20 minutes” I was told. Yeah, right. Twenty minutes without traffic or construction. So I assumed an hour (I am from Chicago afterall) and off we went. Then an amazing thing happened. We arrived at the ballpark twenty minutes later having seen no construction and very little traffic. Parking was abundant and we were able to park right across the street for $10 (I can’t close my car door for $10 in Chicago).

On the way in to the park we passed the bronze statues of Frank Robinson and Ernie Lombardo and even though there ended up being almost 42,000 fans (at least 25,000 of them Cub fans), we weren’t crushed by mobs of people. The traffic flow is extremely fan friendly.






Inside the park it was a quick elevator ride up to the top concourse and then a few more steps up to our seats (six rows from the rafters).

The game was amazing. Katelyn’s favorite, Alfonso Soriano, hit three homeruns. Kim’s man, Mark DeRosa also went deep. And Rebel Star, Derrek Lee, went four for six. We even got to see the fireworks come out of the riverboat’s smokestack when Power Monster Jolbert Cabrera cranked Carlos Marmol’s first pitch over the leftfield wall for a heart-stopping grand slam. And considering it was the only game the Cubs have won in a week, it was all the more special.

Of course the trip would not be complete without controversy. Rumors are already flying of tampering that Rebel management met with Jay Bruce to encourage him to spurn the Clowns long term offer and play in flannel at Confederate Park. Nothing could be further from the truth. There was no meeting. All my calls ended up going into his voicemail and he didn’t even have the courtesy to call back.

CFCL Notes – Kenn: I have to give you props on both the city and the locals. Cincinnati is a beautiful city and the people are very welcoming. The Great American Ballpark is just a wonderful place to watch a game. Television doesn’t do it justice. Sitting near the rafters has its advantages. Throughout the night we could see all the different boats and barges float up and down the river. When the sun went down (artist anyone?) we could see the lights reflect across the water. Very, very appealing.

Baseball, PhD.

Leslie Ann Ivory may be on to something. She wrote the book “Everything I know I learned from my cat.” The next book written should be “Everything I know I learned from baseball”. Ronald Reagan was called the Great Communicator. Baseball is the Great Educator.

During the U.S. Championship of the Little League World Series, the coach for Hawaii called time out during the fifth or sixth inning when his pitcher was getting hammered. Louisiana had taken a big lead and the Hawaii coach kept telling his pitcher “Keep your head up. C’mon, let’s go!” Sure enough in the bottom of the sixth, Hawaii puts on this big rally and comes back to win that game as well as the World Series against Mexico.

What do we take from that to apply in real life? Just as Jimmy V. told us “Don’t ever give up.” You never know what’s right around the corner. Always give your best effort.

There are other axioms to be used in life that we learn from baseball.

Take two and hit to right. See what’s out there and take what the competition gives you.

Hit ‘em where they ain’t. Don’t try to overthink everything. Sometimes the solution can be very simple.

You can’t steal first. You have to focus on the proper order, no matter what your specific talent is. Pay attention and apply yourself to all the details.

Don’t make the first or third out at thirdbase. Don’t be so aggressive that you limit yourself on cashing in big or continuing a great run – although I never understood why it was ok to make the second out at thirdbase.

You don’t have to be on the field to learn something. You can become a scholar by sitting in the stands.

I didn’t learn percentages from my 4th grade teacher. I learned them from Jack, Vince and Lou and the Tribune sports section. Whether it was winning percentage or batting average, at the drop of a hat I could tell you (probably before 4th grade) that 1 out of 9 is 11.1%. Sadly there were plenty of Cubs that went 1 for 9 and plenty of Cub teams that won one of their first nine for me to learn from.

I didn’t learn to make change sitting in my high school General Economics class, I learned it sitting at Wrigley, giving the hot dog guy two dollars for a $1.25 hot dog and getting back seventy-five cents.

So all you parents out there, save yourselves the tens and hundreds of thousands of dollars on college. Send your children to Wrigley every day during the summer. It’s not an expense of season tickets, it’s an investment in their education.

CFCL Notes: My apologies for the delay in this week’s posting. The motherboard on my laptop gave way and I had to get a new computer which involved loading programs and transferring files and documents. It was appropriate that it was the motherboard that failed because when I realized that I would need to replace the computer and do all the file transfers, mother was part of the expression I uttered.

Non CFCL Notes: Even though last week I posted that the Cubs were basically a sure thing to make it to the World Series, the Cubs fan in me reared its ugly head this week. While the Cubs were in the throws of a four game losing streak at home, I thought “Here we go again.” Then I thought back to the ’69 Cubs. They had a pretty big lead and lost it. AND they had three future Hall of Famers (possibly four if Santo ever gets in). This year’s team doesn’t have four possible Hall of Famers. They probably don’t even have one. So unfortunately anything’s possible, even if ESPN’s website has the Cubs as a 99.4% chance of making the playoffs (probably the only time I’ll ever type – Thank god for the Wild Card).

"Suffering" - What's in a Name?

I stand before you a shamed man. I have taken on (albeit involuntarily) a moniker of which I have not earned. The moniker of “Long Suffering Cubs Fan”. The truth can attack you in the strangest of places. For me it was the checkout line at Dominick’s. There I was minding my own business, buying some Edy’s Mint Chocolate Chip and Edy’s Cookie Dough Ice Cream. My main man Mario was running the items through the scanner. He saw my Cubs hat (and having had previous Cubs conversations with me) asked if they were going to start on another winning streak. As the Cubs were beginning a series against Cincinnati, I said “I certainly hope so.”

Then all of a sudden a guy behind me says “Are you two old enough to remember ’69?” He proceeded to regale us with snippets of the season and pointed out that “that was my childhood team. They broke my heart.”

On the drive home I thought about the fact that, while I consider myself to be a life-long fan, I only have memories going back to 1974. Then I fast forwarded to that magic year of 1984 when Ryno and Sut led us to the Promised Land. Ten years I waited. Much of that as a child just learning the game. I can’t say that I suffered all that much. Oh sure, I was disappointed in 1977 when they took over first place mid-season and then free-fell to a .500 record. But all I had to wait was ten years to see my boys in the playoffs.

After that it was a quick five years when they returned in ’89. Then it was ’98, ’03 (sniff, tears starting to well) and ’07. So that’s five playoff appearances in 42 years for me and eight of those years haven’t stayed in my memory bank; an average of one playoff appearance every eight years. Not great, but not bad. Especially when you consider that from 1945 to 1984, Cub fans had to wait 39 years for one playoff appearance. Some poor soul born in 1939, that’s a long suffering fan.

I think my generation falls into the Medi-Frustrated Cub Fan. The Cub fan that was led to believe that Joe Strain, Ty Waller, Jerry Morales and Steve Renko were the pieces needed to get us to the title.

Now to totally put a jinx on the fun we’re having this season, all the suffering could come to an end for all of us in late October. (That sound you heard was The Professor opening up his office window and hurtling himself to the ground below. He almost blew a gasket back in the off-season before the 1991 campaign when I uttered the words “Cubs in the World Series” because they had signed George Bell, Danny Jackson and Dave Smith. Jinxed, surely because of me, that season brought us 4th place [six games under .500], got Popeye fired and ushered in the Jim Essian Era [all 122 games of it]).

Non-CFCL Notes: Cubs Magic Number is 23 games as of August 26, 2008

CFCL Notes: As of 8/26/08, the point spread between 1st and 11th place is 55 points. The spread between 5th and 12th place is 60 points.

Pumping Wattage Into Your Cottage

Back in 1979 on this day (August 19th) The Knack hit number one on the charts with “My Sharonna”.

In 2008, the Chicago Cubs are number one on the charts with a bullet thanks in large part to Ma-ma-ma-Mark DeRosa. This isn’t a tribute to DeRosa because my wife thinks he’s the sexiest thing to wear Cub pinstripes since Mark Grace. It’s a look at DeRosa because he’s an amazingly good ballplayer.

It would be easy to simply classify DeRosa as a useful utility player since he has manned first, second, third, rightfield, leftfield and even shortstop. While that is amazing, it would be a disservice to him. Let’s take a look at his offensive numbers.

But before we do that, let’s look at the key members of the Cubs first post-season appearing team since they were in the World Series – the 1984 Cubs. When you think of the offensive production of the ’84 Cubs you think of Sandberg, Durham, Davis, Moreland, Cey and Matthews (and Bowa WHO WOULD NOT GIVE UP ON TRYING TO SWITCH HIT WITH THAT WEAKASS LEFT-HANDED SLAP THAT WOULDN’T GET PAST THE PITCHING MOUND!!! . . .but I digress). You think of the six pack of offense (and that’s not including Bobby Dernier leading everything off).

So here are there numbers in CFCL terms (Runs, Home Runs, RBI, OBP)

Sandberg - 114 -- 19 -- 84 -- .367
Mathews - 101 -- 14 -- 82 -- .410
Moreland - 59 -- 16 -- 80 -- .326
Durham - 86 -- 23 -- 96 -- .369
Davis - 55 -- 19 -- 94 -- .315
Cey - 71 -- 25 -- 97 -- .324

Certainly it’s a different ballgame as far as offense is concerned nowadays with smaller ballparks, tightly wrapped baseballs (and players for that matter), but in my mind’s eye I always remember the ’84 Cubs as an amazing offensive longball machine. Yet there were only two 20 homerun guys and not one of them knocked in 100 runs.

Here are DeRosa’s numbers (projected out based on his production through mid-August). He would finish the season with these stats.

DeRosa - 99 -- 17 -- 90 -- .374

Look how close his stats match up. He would have been third in runs, fifth in homeruns, fourth in RBIs and second in OBP. Look how he compares to Sandberg. He outperformed Sandberg in two of the categories and Sandberg won the MVP in ’84 (as he should have). But are you voting for DeRosa to win the MVP in ’08? Probably not. With the bigger names of Ramirez, Soriano, Lee and even Fukodome, it’s easy for DeRosa to get overlooked. He’s having a hell of a year.

CFCL Notes: Congrats to Bob for correctly identifying the name of the movie (Gone in 60 Seconds) from last week’s article.

What's An Owner To Do?

I faced a dilemma at the deadline of the IFAB deadline. I wanted to improve my team and if not make a run at the title, at least try to finish in the money. In order to do so I would need some offense. Key injuries to Eric Byrnes and Khalil Greene (as well as general ineffectiveness) had left Dem Rebels sorely lacking on the offensive side of the ball. A big trade had just been pulled off in the MLB and Manny Ramirez had moved to the National League. Should I bid on him? Would I bid on him? As Detective Roland Castlebeck said to Randall Raines “Here I am, right in the middle of a moral dilemma.” (Movie anyone?)

More and more stories were coming out of Boston that Ramirez had threatened to lie down and not play for the Red Sox if he wasn’t traded. This after years of demanding trades, promising to never again play for the Red Sox. Would I want someone like that on the Rebels? Certainly not.

But I’m trying to get back into the pennant chase! At what point does the price of our morals outweigh the price of a trophy? Ultimately I didn’t get Ramirez. Not from a lack of effort (the Rebels bid their maximum FAAB of .35) but because Steve had more Stones in his wallet he picked up Ramirez for .50. As I e-mailed the bid, I felt a twinge of remorse as though I was doing something wrong; much like telling my kids to look both ways and cross at the corner, then running across the street quickly to save time.

It caused me to look back over the history of the Rebels (and my fandom) and realize that there doesn’t seem to be a clear cut line for us to follow.

My favorite player for quite a long time was Mark McGwire. I loved him in Oakland, enjoyed him in St. Louis and had him on the Rebels whenever the opportunity presented itself. I even made sure to tape the episode of Mad About You when he had a cameo appearance with my then TV fantasy, Helen Hunt. But now he is a shameful reminder of how easily I have been duped.

Sadly I know I’ve cheered for Sosa, though now I would be distraught if the Cub organization ever allowed him back into Wrigley Field. Opponents to that thought have expressed “He should be honored and recognized for his accomplishments as a Cub and should be in the Hall of Fame. He put up tremendous numbers.” Yes, he did . . . BECAUSE HE CHEATED!!!! And I know he probably faced pitchers who were cheating as well, but that doesn’t change things in my mind. He couldn’t have put up those numbers if he approached the game like Aaron, Dawson or Sandberg.

To my knowledge I never had Barry Bonds on my team (League Secretary Mahlan may end up disproving that statement) but I know I bid on him during the draft. The logic of my thinking being “I don’t really want him, but if everyone else drops at .12, how can I pass him up?”

Aramis Ramirez, while not having been accused of cheating, dogs it out of the batters box more than the Westminster Kennel Show, and yet I acquired him in a trade last year as I made a failed push for the title.

A lot of what happens in sports occurs behind the magic curtain, so even if we wanted to stock our teams with only hard playing, clean nosed players it would be impossible to pick the right guys. But even avoiding the obvious ones – the ones pumped up on enhancers, the dogs that don’t run out of the batter’s box, the guys that won’t run out an infield pop up, the guys in the field that turn routine outs into triples – can we run a successful team not using those guys? Successful? Probably. Championship? Most unlikely.

Non CFCL Notes: Jim Edmonds turned a routine flyball into a ground rule double on Tuesday at Wrigley – think about that, a ground rule double at Wrigley. For that to happen the ball basically had to bounce straight down on the warning track (which it did) and Edmonds was there, looking into the sun with his wrap arounds securely sitting on the bill of his cap as he made a dramatic backhanded twisted glove effort to catch the ball.

A Confession

It wasn’t supposed to go this far. It had been years since I’d seen her. Once you get married you’re not supposed to hang with your old girlfriends, and I haven’t – until this week. She looked good, a little older, and the rumors were true that she had a facelift. But can I judge? I had lost more hair and gained forty pounds since the last time we sat holding hands all afternoon. Her complexion was a little more ruddy than I remember, but she still had that natural beauty, hardly any makeup. And considering the years that had passed, she was in remarkable shape. She always looked good, turned the head of anyone that would pass her. But seeing her again made me realize that it is possible to become more attractive the older you get. And still she could turn the heads. The whole time we were together, everyone we saw was looking at her, not me (not that that is surprising).

Before we got married, Kim even agreed to a threesome a couple of times. How many of you can say that? Check it, I don’t want to know. (And Grage – it’s not a threesome just because you use two hands.) But after we got married and the kids started coming, those opportunities ended.

I felt guilty approaching her after all these years, wanting to rekindle what we had. Would she be resentful? Jealous? Indignant that a married man would want to start something again? To my amazement, she was welcoming. Never questioned why I hadn’t tried to stay in touch. We just fell right back to the ebb and flow; the energy we had when we were younger. At times we were slightly loud and raucous. At other moments we were quiet, just taking in the moments we had together.

As we spent the evening together, it all came back to me; the intimate places of her that made our relationship so special. And she knew just how to push my buttons; the magic I felt just being in her presence.

When it was time to part, she didn’t complain. Didn’t beg for me to stay. She understood. A lump grew in my throat and I secretly hoped that we could sneak away together again soon. Wrigley never looked and felt so good.

I Did Not Know That!

A lot has been posted to the Forum and on the response section of the Monroe Doctrine the past week. Hopefully it will all lead to a healthier, happier CFCL. To begin the healing process, the Monroe Doctrine took the time to dig deeply to find little nuggets of information on each owner (don’t ask us where we got it from, we don’t even know ourselves). It might be a good idea for us to take a step back and look at the guys we compete against as people rather than owners.

Dave Holian – As a result from his visit to Italy last year, Dave has opened a storefront in nearby Raleigh where he claims to import expensive Italian wines. The fact that all his students kiss his ring and call him “Don Holian” is merely a coincidence.

Steve Olson – Turns out Steve is hung like a horse which has caused major problems in finding time to run his Stones, cheer for his Brewers and own his bank. All the sweet young things in town keep calling ‘cause they can’t get enough of the Stevester. (Even though the information above is as true as can possibly be – admitted gratuitous attempt to get back on Steve’s good side).

Rich Bentel – Once quite the bodybuilder, Rich’s latest feat is to have his waist be the same measurement as his height. Anyone have Jack Lalane’s phone number?

Matt Bentel – For those of you under the impression that Matt is not technologically advanced, beware. He just finished installing the elevator in the new Chicago Trump Tower. He has rigged the private elevator with a sensor so that whenever The Donald gets on, it will rapidly descend from the penthouse to the lobby at such a speed as to cause Donald’s comb over to stick straight up in the air.

David Mahlan – David has been named Chief Webelo of his son’s scout troop. It’s quite an honor, but you wouldn’t recognize him when he’s in full head gear doing the Sacred Webelo Dance.

Mike Coulter – Mike recently joined the Sun-Times and has done such a wonderful job impressing his editor he has been promoted. He will be replacing Jay Marriotti and has chosen the pen name of Rick Telander.

Tim Mokert – Tim, it turns out, plays fantasy baseball for the sheer competition. The 1st place check means nothing to him as he is the mastermind behind the 7-11 Slurpee. The royalties alone have allowed for his jet set lifestyle and guaranteed a place for his kids at Brown and Harvard.

Nick Hansen – To satisfy his alter ego, mild mannered Nick – computer tekkie by day, has taken to spending his weekends in the great outdoors as a tour guide at Mount Rushmore. The information he can regale you with on Teddy Roosevelt alone is astounding.

Matt Grage – The reason we see Matt on TV so much behind home plate and the Cubs dugout is not because Matt has Stubhub hotlinked in his Favorites place. It’s because he has a deal worked out with the Cubs that in exchange for the tickets, he walks around the park after the game to clean up all the cups and scrape the gum from under the flip up seats.

Kenn Ruby – Kenn has become quite the legend in Cincinnati, not only for his mad writing skills, but late at night he runs around town putting out the street lights as fast as he can, much like his childhood hero – Wee Willie Winkie.

Michael Moore – When not generally managing the Moore Betters, Michael is a closet ballroom dance aficionado. His one dream in life is to win the CFCL title so that Tom Bergeron and Dancing With the Stars come calling to pair him up with Edyta Sliwinska.

Bob Boryca – Bob came back from Vegas without this coveted WSOP bracelet. But he did come back with a genuine replica Celine Dione Does Vegas Bracelet.

CFCL Notes: Steve, Matt G, Mike C. Even though I write this as editor of the Monroe Doctrine, this CFCL Note is coming to you as the owner of Dem Rebels. My second posting on the Forum was never meant to be personal. I mentioned before – it was Rotisserie. It was my view as an owner, commenting on the actions of other owners, not as individual persons and your life outside of the CFCL. Please accept my apology if I made you feel that I was attacking you as a person. I really wasn’t.

It's Broken, So Let's Fix It

If you’re feeling a little like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, welcome to the club. For the second year in a row the Stones and Kenndoza Line have made a trade that has left many in the league feeling unfulfilled.

I am the first to admit that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. However there have been at least three trades in the last two years that don’t seem so beautiful.

The Bulls received Randy Johnson, Carlos Zambrano, Takashi Saito and Francisco Cordero for a decent hitting thirdbaseman and some future. The Karma Train seems to have bitten the Bulls in the ass with Zambrano going on the DL right after the trade and Saito now out for four to six weeks.

I don’t want to get into a player by player analysis of the Stone/Line trade. I would strongly suggest that you visit David’s blog and read the breakdown by The Professor and then the rebuttal by the Stones. They both make compelling arguments pro and con of the trade.

Here are the two issues I have with the trade. In order to complete the trade and make it legal, The Line had to have five pitchers that are currently on the disabled list on their active roster. They also had to promote a catcher who is still in the minor leagues to their active roster. So that means that a full 25% of their active roster has no chance of earning any statistics for the foreseeable future.

I quote the Constitution: Even with these measures in place, it is still expected that each CFCL owner will consider “the integrity of the league” as well as the good of their own team when considering trades.

Now admittedly the above sentence does not say “An owner shall not consummate a deal if it undermines the integrity”, it says “will consider the integrity of the league when considering trades.” For all we know the Stones and Line did consider the ramifications of what the Line’s roster would look like and then said “the hell with it, let’s do it anyway.”

Last year a lot was written and said about two teams (The Meisters and Splinters) that had many players on their active roster that were either in the minor leagues, on the disabled list or retired. That occurred due to apathy. This year it was deliberate.

Going into Monday night’s games, the Line was 6th in H/S; between the Bulls and Revenge in K/BB; 2 QS behind the Hats; and in WHIP was .04 behind the Ruffins and .02 ahead of the Bulls. Pitching points are being affected by this trade, yet the Line had only 4 active pitchers to compete against the rest of the league.

This says nothing of the fact the offense that traded hands. The Line gave up Pujols, Winn, Matsui and Martin and got in return Matt Kemp. Take a look at where the Line is in every offensive category except OBP (where they are in first by a bunch). They are in the thick of every other category a few RBI, Runs, SBs and TBs away from other contending teams.

For the second year in a row, a wonderful and exciting title race among four teams last year and as many as seven teams this year, has been reduced to who wants to make the effort to finish second?

To be fair, last year Steve made what I said at the time was a completely lopsided deal (he gave up far more than he had to in order to acquire the players he did). Kenn wins the title last year, but due in large part to that trade Steve is in position to win this year. So we have to be careful in how we look at things.

I don’t know what the answer is, because this cannot be looked at in a vacuum. The Line may have given themselves a great step to contending in 2009, just like the Stones did last year in their positioning for this year. However I can’t help but think that having one quarter of your team being inactive on the “active” roster as a result of a trade, can’t possibly be in the best interests of the league.

We need to solve this as a league. Visit the CFCL Forum to lend your voice to the discussion on how this league handles trades. Every opinion counts.

Time For A Break

We slide in to the 2008 All-Star Break with some CFCL Notes, some Non-CFCL Notes and a combination of both.

The Red Hots “win” the Sabathia bidding. Nothing against Bob, but here’s hoping the Brewers sign Sabathia to a nice long contract (at least one that lasts past Opening Day, 2009). I want to see Bob work his magic with 2.05 to spend on 22 players (9.3 cent average).

At the close of games on July11th, BEHOLD! The DoorMatts led the league! He’s there without the help of his best outfielder for more than half the year so far and by trading one of the best starting pitchers in the NL.

At the close of games on July 12th, BEHOLD! The DoorMatts were tied for first with the Stones. Three short weeks ago the Matts were in 6th place, 14 points behind the Stones. This is shaping up to be perhaps the best CFCL season yet.

The Stones have posted a few times on the Live Scoring Board “How am I still in first place?” For a while I wondered the same thing (no offense, Steve). But it all became obvious with the Cubs game on Saturday against the Giants. The Cubs at one point were leading 7-0, but more importantly entered the 9th inning leading 7-2. They led by FIVE RUNS!!!!!! Lou – I have to ask, “Why in the hell is Marmol pitching in the 9th?” Marmol has pitched 51.1 innings in 48 games already this year. Last year he pitched 69.1 innings in 59 games.

Marmol is on pace to pitch in 101 games and 118 innings. Some of the Rebel starters won’t pitch that many innings! If his arm doesn’t fall off, Marmol will end up pitching more than twice as many innings this year as last. And the kicker is WE DIDN’T NEED HIM SATURDAY!!!! We had a five run lead!!! Send in Lieber, send in Marshall, hell send in DeRosa. Lock Marmol in his house and say “we won’t be using you for a while.” Sure he’s been ineffective lately. Could it be he’s worn out?

And here’s where it all made sense for me. EVEN THE STONES HAD THE SENSE TO BENCH MARMOL!!!!! I fully expected to see the Stones drop to third after Marmol’s hellacious outing. But no, they’re still perched in first. Why? Because they used their god-given brains and said HE NEEDS A REST!!!

Tuesday is the All-Star game. Thank heaven because the Rebels, Bulls, Stones and Ruffins need some salary relief. However there are some things wrong with Tuesday’s game. King Bud-dumber has decreed that the game will have importance if it decides who has home field advantage for the World Series. He didn’t change anything else, like having retarded fans vote for the starting line up. Fukodome and Soriano were elected to start, despite not deserving it. Oh wait – this just in. It’s not just the fans fault. Marmol is going to the All-Star game. Marmol is a wonderful young pitcher, but there isn’t much that he has done in the last month and a half that says “All-Star”.

What Bud-dumber out to do is have the teams picked by the managers and a committee of National League veterans and American League Veterans. Say people like Tony Gwynn, Tommy Lasorda and Joe Morgan (hate to increase his ego, but he played when the players cared about winning the game). On the other side you could have Cal Ripken, Frank Robinson and Sparky Anderson. Maybe throw in Peter Gammons to be a voice of reason as well. And don’t make it a requirement that every team be represented in the game. That works if it’s an exhibition, but since this matters, it should be the best 25 players in each league coming to compete. And they may not all play. Some guys may ride the bench the whole game.

Better yet? Don’t change a thing other than taking the home field advantage off the outcome of the game. Give it to the team that finishes with the best record.

On a sad note, Bobby Murcer passed away on Saturday. Bobby became a Cub in a controversial trade that sent Bill Madlock to the San Francisco Giants. My lasting memory of Murcer is going to Wrigley in August of ’77 for my 11th birthday. Murcer hit a solo homerun to right. As an eleven year old fan, I went nuts, as did the whole crowd. The cheers were starting to die down as he rounded third and I decided that he needed a big cheer as he touched home plate. So as his foot hit the dish, I yelled out from the upper deck “Way to go, Bobby!!!” The people seated in the row in front of me looked around trying to figure out why I was so much further behind the rest of the crowd. Little did they know that Bobby needed a special cheer since he hit a homerun for my birthday that was two days away.

The White House Goes Rotisserie

Little has it been known that our forefathers (actually we’ve had 43 “fathers”) of our country were involved in Fantasy Baseball – granted the last eight years have felt less like a father was in charge and more like Uncle Buck came to visit and was asked to babysit. Here are the team names and some team analyses.

George Washington – The Washington Apples (You won’t find a cherry tree within ten miles of the park)
John Adams – The Adams Family (Itt’s really not a bad team)
Thomas Jefferson – The Monticello Dois (Their Declaration of Independence was that all men are created to hit the ball)
James Madison – The Madison Oscars
James Monroe – The Monroe Shocks
John Quincy Adams – The John Q. Publics
Andrew Jackson – The Hickorys (any player using a bat made of ash was traded)
Martin Van Buren – The Boys (they only played with eight fielders, signifying Van Buren’s place in the Presidential legacy)
William Henry Harrison – The One Year Wonders
John Tyler – The Canoes (they tried their best just to stay afloat)
James Polk – The Polka Dots
Zachary Taylor – The Hemmers (they weren’t very good, but they kept their fans in stitches)
Millard Fillmore – The Fillmore Cups With Oil and Go Forths
Franklin Pierce – The Hawkeyes
James Buchanan – The Buchanan BuBalls
Abraham Lincoln – The Lincoln Logs (Put up a lot of runs by swinging the big lumber)
Andrew Johnson – The Impeachments
Ulysses S. Grant – The Grant Fosters (They weren’t much to look at.)
Rutherford B. Hays – The Hard Throes Fury
James Garfield – The Odies
Chester Arthur – The Threat Crushers (great bullpen, always ended rallies)
Grover Cleveland – The Ohio Muppets
Benjamin Harrison – The Little Bens
William McKinley – The Mounts
Theodore Roosevelt – The Rough Riders (and you were always taught in school it had something to do with San Juan Hill)
William Taft – The Tafty-pulls
Woodrow Wilson – The Neighbors (the hats always hide their face, but it’s a cerebral team always out thinking their opponent)
Warren G. Harding – The Harding Hearings
Calvin Coolidge – The Hobbes
Herbert Hoover – The Vaccuums
Franklin Roosevelt – The Roosevelt Gardens
Harry Truman – The Capotes
Dwight Eisenhower – The Ike ‘n Tinas
John Kennedy – The Construction Zones (Always clogging up the basepaths)
Lyndon Johnson – The Ladybirds
Richard Nixon – The Nixon Noras
Gerald Ford – The Edsels (John Vuckovich is the manager, never hired for the job but appointed to manage after his predecessor was fired, pardon me, resigned)
Jimmy Carter – The Peanut Shells
Ronald Reagan – The Reaganomics (the players think they’re making a lot of money)
George Bush – The Bush in the Hands (no wait, he got that name mixed up – kind of like “no new taxes”)
Bill Clinton – The Whitewater Rafters (at least they didn’t pick the name “The Blue Dresses”)
George W. Bush – The Linguistics (No need to flash signs from the third base coach – no one can understand what the hell he’s saying)

CFCL Notes:

I had a little blurb on how a lot of trade talk was happening with no results. Before we went to press the Copperfields turned over 25% of their entire roster and the Rebels and Ruffins slugged it out to see who could acquire more offense. With the Ruffins only six points out of first and the Rebels thirteen points out, it looks like the Ruffins have a smaller hill to climb.

We wish Eric and Sandy Lamb the best of everything as they head down to Memphis. Hopefully we’ll still see Eric on Draft Day.

The Graging Bulls currently have 10 players on the DL. Must suck having all those guys on the DL and still be able to lap the field only twice offensively.

Non CFCL Notes:

There was a rain delay for the ESPN Radio Baseball Game of the Week on Saturday, so they rebroadcast Game 7 between the Red Sox and Yankees from 2003. I had almost forgotten that in 2003 two teams came within five outs of getting to the World Series yet failed. The Red Sox were that close as well. I guess winning the whole thing the next year (and again in 2007) erased a lot of memories. Although Grady Little is still considered an idiot in Boston, most of America has probably forgotten that the Red Sox came that close and missed. Seems like no one forgets the Cubs came that close. Five outs . . . it still hurts to think about it.

Securing the Blessings of Liberty

After passing the driver’s exam, we rarely go back and look at the Rules of the Road. Much in the same spirit, after being in the CFCL for 25 years, I decided to go back over the Constitution, page by page, word by word. Here’s what I learned.

* If there are not 12 teams in the league, we decide on the makeup of the roster based on using 70% of the available players picked at the Auction Draft. It’s not just some random thing of “Hey, it would be cool to use 8 pitchers and 4 outfielders.”

* The Swing Position can be filled with either a Pitcher or Position Player. This isn’t so much something I learned as something that brought back memories of the old days when the Utility Position could only be filled with a Position Player.

* Players traded to the AL mid-season continue to earn stats while Minor League players traded to the AL and are then called up, do not. The rules pertaining to players traded to the AL have changed throughout the years and have always confused me.

* Home Town Discount cannot be used with .00. By that I mean, if the Line have a HTD on Russell Martin and Dem Rebels complete the auction on Martin for .08, the Line has to use at least a penny discount to claim Martin, thereby getting him for .07. It seems obvious, but with all the sneaky bastards we’ve had as owners, one of us should have tried to get Martin for .08, thereby using the HTD, but not spending any of the HTD budget. Can’t do it – it’s against the rules.

* Transaction can be made to our rosters on Monday and Friday. This, again, isn’t necessarily something I learned as it is something that has changed many times over the years. During the CFCL infancy, we would have transaction deadlines on Tuesday. This tied in to when the statistics were printed in the USA Today and our standings were calculated BY HAND by the League Secretary. Since then we’ve reported on Fridays, Sundays and now, bi-weekly.

* Dump Trades are not encouraged and even discouraged (who knew?), with the onus being put on EACH OWNER to make fair trades, as stated in the final sentence of Article XIII “Even with these measures in place, it is still expected that each CFCL owner will consider “the integrity of the league” as well as the good of their own team when considering trades.”

* All of the e-mail you receive from the Executive Committee pertaining to rule changes and votes thereof are actually scheduled mailings, not just random e-mail sent out when it’s convenient for the EC to send them. For example: an e-mail is sent out three days prior to the end of the voting timeframe. This is all a well calculated approach to the governance of the CFCL, not just some random communication. And any team that does not submit a vote is therefore submitting a “Yea” vote. Many times I hear owners say “I didn’t vote because I agreed with the majority.” Well if five owners vote against an issue and four vote for it and three owners don’t vote, those three owners will be counted as “Yeas” and therefore swing the vote to be seven for and five against. Yes, they ended up being with the majority, but they may have their vote counted in a way they didn’t intend.

* Missing Piece: In the original Constitution of the Rotisserie Book, there is reference to the Champion being doused in Yoo-Hoo. In the 24 completed seasons, there has only been one owner to take the Yoo-Hoo shower. Bob Monroe was out of town at the end of the season in which he won the title. So he had his kids dump a bottle of Yoo-Hoo on him while his wife took photographic evidence for the league.

I would strongly suggest that everyone take the time to review each part of the Constitution. As Steven Covey pointed out, it’s always good to sharpen the saw. As you do, read it for knowledge but also notice the detail and language that our League Secretary has used. Clearly this has been a labor of love.

CFCL Notes:

Unfortunately it looks like Kid Dynamite got busted early in Events 48 & 49 at the WSOP in Vegas. Perhaps weary and dejected will make him susceptible to lopsided trade offers.

Non-CFCL Notes:

This is for all the coaches in the Major Leagues. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE stop wearing those damn pullover windbreakers!!!! You look stupid. If it’s cold, wear a jacket. Wear the uniform top that your team is wearing that game. Bill Belichek does NOT coach in the MLB. Either wear your uniform properly or wear a suit like Connie Mack did.

Like we didn’t see this one coming. Cubs sweep the Sox at Wrigley and then give back all three games at U.S. Commiscular a week later. This is just a completely different team outside of the ivy walls.

Shameless Paternal Pride: Cooper Wrigley today walked for the first time! One day short of turning 11 months old.

Don't Make Me Say It

After April 8th, 1974 Al Downing said when he was asked what time it was he always had to say quarter after 7. He could never bring himself to say 7:15.

With that same psychosis, though for slightly different reasons, there are things I can never utter again, sometimes it is pure hatred – other times it is for what might have been.

I can no longer say the gates open three hours prior to the game.

When my children look out our backdoor and see some birds fighting, I will no longer tell them the birds are mad ducks.

I only refer to my dinner off the grill as hot dogs, never as franks, even if we’re having beans on the side.

I’m not happy to tell someone that I’m just so-so. I would rather say fair to middlin’ or comme ci, comme ca.

I don’t want to see who my daughter’s suitor is going to be. Probably some dude from St. Louis anyway.

I no longer will reference Mike Singletary’s alma mater of Baylor University.

I can no longer recite the nursery rhyme to Cooper about the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker.

I will no longer offer to perform the Heim(s)lich maneuver on anyone.

I will no longer suggest that someone is a chip off the old block.

I will not mutter to myself, “Ah, Lou, what were you thinking?”

I cannot help my girls put barrettes in their hair.

Our society has pretty much outlawed the word lynch (unless you’re a dumbass golf reporter), but I have outlawed it for additional reasons.

And I will simply never utter the words LaTroy, Rojas or Neifi ever again.

CFCL Notes: Kid Dynamite heads off to Vegas. Let’s hope he comes home with a few WSOP bracelets and the stack of money from the Main Event.

You’ve got to admire a team flopping between 10th and 11th looking to make trades to make a run for the money THIS YEAR! The Copperfields are a class organization through and through.

It may not matter now, however, with the Bulls/Clowns deal. Ugh . . . decide for yourself.

Non-CFCL Notes: Note to Jim Hendry. Please do not think that Jim Edmonds is a long term fix in centerfield. This is Gary Gaetti all over again. It’s easier to perform well in the warm weather in front of a rocking house of 42,000 rabid fans.

Drop and Give Me Ten

Are the 1990’s the worst decade for the Cubs? As a follow up to the MD itemizing who has been a Cub for six years or longer, the DoorMatts had this observation:

The 1990’s must have been the WORST decade for the Cubs going back to the 1950’s because they had players like Frank Castillo, Rey Sanchez and Jose Hernandez for six years or longer.

Usually the DoorMatts are able to “eyeball” an idea and make a correct guess from his knowledge of baseball history and his experience of being a fan. Chalk this one up in the loss column for the ol’ DoorMatts.

Here’s a breakdown of each decade since the 1950’s.

1950-1959 672-866 .437 (No Winning Seasons)
1960-1969 735-868 .458 (4 Winning Seasons)
1970-1979 785-827 .487 (3 Winning Seasons)
1980-1989 735-821 .472 (2 Winning Seasons)
1990-1999 739-813 .476 (3 Winning Seasons)
2000-2008 672-694 .491 (4 Winning Seasons – not including 2008)**
** The wins/losses and percentage include games played through June 15th, 2008, but the Winning Seasons does not include the 2008 year as it is not yet complete.

Here’s what’s interesting. The Cubs had a strong core in the 1980’s with Moreland, Smith, Sandberg, Buckner/Grace, Sutcliffe, Durham, Davis and Dunston yet the Cubs had only two winning seasons – the worst effort since the 1950’s. The 1990’s (assumed to be the worst decade by the DoorMatts), actually forged three winning campaigns and the third best winning percentage.

And if the 2008 Cubs can win 22 more in a row, the Cubs will be .500 for the decade of the 2000’s.

CFCL Notes:
The Once And (he hopes) Future Champion Stones made an early move to lock up first place. They traded a bunch of the future for some present (Rausch) and even some past (Kent). This should have the other three top-five teams that haven’t made a deal, thinking about making a deal.

Our very own Red Hot is headed to Vegas to make a run at Jesus, The Mouth, The Brat, Texas Dolly and a field of 8000+. Last year the MD suggested a list of nicknames Bob could take with him to the tables. Our favorite was Double Dirty Rat Bastard. Based on Bob’s appearance at the draft, for some reason the name Kid Dynamite comes to mind. Good luck, Bob!

School’s out but it is always education time in the Rebel household. While watching the Throwback Game on Friday, WGN showed clips of Wrigley Field from the 1940’s. The clips they showed were in black and white. One of my daughters asked if it was always in black and white back then. Yes, I said when they took pictures it was black and white. “No, I mean was everything in black and white all the time,” she persisted. Pause, pause, pause . . . “Yes, it was in black and white. Color wasn’t invented until the 1950’s” “Ohh.” It’s never too early to teach our children well.

Non-CFCL Notes: I’ve been meaning to include this one for a while. During a rain delay, WGN showed the final inning of the no-hitter thrown by Don Maloney of the Reds against the Cubs. As Maloney went into the wind-up in the ninth, Jack Brickhouse said, “Maloney winds up with pitch number 170.” 170!!! I think he finished the game with 178 or so. I didn’t know Dusty Baker managed the Reds back in the 1960’s.

Eliot Asinof, author of Eight Men Out, passed away this week; as did Charlie Jones, long-time sports broadcaster for NBC.

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY to all you Daddyios!

The CFCL and Tigger too!

Thursday marked the day that is joyous, momentous and harrowing in a parent’s life. It was the day the children came home from school for the summer. And with it came all the fun things that summer brings: backyard cookouts, water balloon fights, bike riding and . . . family vacation.

Ooh yeah. Family vacation. Do we rent a cottage on the lake? Go up to the Dells? Visit family in distant states? Disneyworld?

Matt Grage posted something about Disneyworld. He’s going there at the end of July with his niece and nephew. Swell guy, that Matt. But that brings on a new set of problems. If we’re off riding the teacups and conquering Space Mountain, who is watching the roster? Proposing trades? Tracking Free Agents? Is “It’s a Small World” set up with Wi-Fi? Probably not.

So I said “OK, kids. What will it be? A fun summer vacation or a run at the CFCL Title?” Tragically I come to find out that my family does not share my vision. The Holy Grail I have chased now for 25 years is meaningless to them. Honestly I think Cooper was on my side, since he knows he will be inheriting ownership of Dem Rebels – once he is able to run the team better than I can, which should be later this month when he turns eleven months and starts to walk. But as he is unable to communicate beyond smiles and shrieks, I don’t know for sure he was backing me. But the girls just weren’t seeing the vision. All they saw were water parks, picnics and lunches with princesses

Now it was time to be a responsible parent. Look at the big picture, see what has more meaning. Long term is it better to remember your children pulling on Tigger’s tail, or have a Championship Flag flying high over Confederate Park for all of eternity? The answer was obvious. I turned to them and, in my best Soup Nazi voice, declared “No vacation for you!”

So the phone lines will be open. The trade talks will be heavy. The waiver wire will be . . . well hold on. We voted that thing away during the offseason, so the Free Agent List will be monitored. My children, sulkingly, will be in the backyard playing on the oversized waterslide and then at night sit around the TV watching Aladdin, The Tigger movie and Cinderella. And Dem Rebels will finish fourth yet again. Don’t tell the kids – I want to surprise them! I can’t wait to see the look on their faces.

CFCL Notes:

The DoorMatts have .47 left on their FAAB. The Revenge and Line have .55. That’s going to make it difficult for them to acquire Alex Rodriguez when he’s traded to the NL later this summer.

A lot of activity among owners this summer.

• Nick is planning a trip to scout the Pacific Northwest.
• Matt G. is claiming to take his niece and nephew to Florida, when it is most likely a scouting trip in disguise.
• And Mike C. says he’s going to Cincinnati to give Jay Bruce a big hug, but sources in the know tell the Monroe Doctrine that he is really trying to ascertain the whereabouts of Jan Smithers.

Oh Consistency, where art thou?

Consistency, I think that’s all most of us want. When I order a Big Mac and fries, I would like to consistently receive a Big Mac and fries. Not a Big Mac and where the hell are my cholesterol sticks?

When Jennifer and Brad get married, we’d like them to mean it and see a few round anniversaries. We want more David and Michelle, less Chesney and Zellwigger.

When a baseball team signs a player we would like to see that player stick around for a while.

First of all, I have to give credit to the DoorMatts for this idea. They brought this topic up in conversation and I just researched the specifics. Since 1978, the last 31 seasons, there have been 775 roster slots (31 years * 25 active roster slots) available on the Cubs. They have had only 23 players with at least 6 years of service (I even had to extend it to six consecutive part seasons. i.e. trade in the middle of the year, etc.) In longevity order the players are:

Sandberg – 15
Grace – 13
Sosa – 13 (sadly)
Dunston – 11
Wood – 10*
Trachsel – 9
Zambrano – 8*
J. Davis – 8
Durham – 8
L. Smith – 8
Sutcliffe – 8
Buckner – 7
W. Hernandez – 7
Maddux – 7
R. Sanchez – 7
Frank Castillo – 7
Moreland – 6
Sanderson – 6
Dawson – 6
J. Hernandez – 6
Farnsworth – 6
Patterson – 6
Ramirez – 6*
(Lee and Dempster – 5)*
*Current Cubs

This may seem like a long list, but the above players only take up 188 positions (198 if you want to include Lee and Dempster) out of the 775 possible slots. That means in 30 years, the Cubs have had 24.2% of their roster made up of players who have been around for six years or more. I was surprised that Moreland was around for six years, I basically remember him in 1984-85. Frank Castillo, Rey Sanchez and Jose Hernandez kind of fall into the category of Serviceable Player, not great but won’t kill you. It’s also surprising there was only one NL Central (or East) Title in the early/mid-80’s. There was a strong core there with Sutcliffe, Sanderson, Smith, Moreland, Sandberg, Davis, Durham and Dunston.

The hope when signing a player is that they will be around a while. It often doesn’t work out that way, as evidenced by:

H. Rodriguez – 3
Morandini – 3
E. Young – 3
DeShields – 3
R. White – 3
Alou – 3
T. Walker – 3
Juan Pierre – One Freakin’ Year!!!!!

CFCL NOTES:

Did you notice the Stones are still in 2nd place?

Kudos goes out to the DoorMatts and their son, Matt for the Cubs HUGE rally on Friday against the Rockies. Matt and Matt were at the game, stayed for the whole thing (even when the Cubs were down 9-1 following a before game rain delay). This came at even greater expense when the DoorMatts gladly watched their thirdbaseman, Garrett Atkins finish off an oh-fer-five day by striking out against Kerry Wood in the ninth.

The Candy Colored Clowns would like to give a big THANK YOU to Corey Patterson for sucking so bad that Dusty Baker just had to call up and use Jay Bruce. Since his call up, Bruce is 13 for 22 with 10 runs (!!!!), 6 ribbies, 2 stolen bases and twenty-two Total Bases. Hey did you notice the Clowns are in 7th and closing in on 6th fast?

The Rebels would like to thank Eric Byrnes for finally, officially going on the DL. On Friday they were able to activate Russell Branyan who batted .375 with three runs, three rbis and nine total bases over the weekend.

A Trivial Mind

Here’s some trivia from a trivial mind. The answers to the questions are below the “Did You Know” Section.

#1 Two pitchers have struckout the same number of batters in a game as their age. Name them.

#2 Fergie Jenkins is the only retired pitcher to have more than 3000 strikeouts and less than 1000 walks in a career. Name the active pitcher who currently equals that mark.

#3 The Cubs have been playing the Dodger since 1890. Which team leads in the series (as of May 27, 2008)?

#4 There is only one pitcher to log his 1st and 300th wins with the same team. Who is it?

DID YOU KNOW:

That in 1968 Bob Gibson pitched 28 out of 34 complete games? In the six non-complete games, he was lifted for a pinch-hitter. That means in the entire season, Cardinal’s manager Red Schoendienst did not go to the mound to replace Gibson. Little wonder, Gibson had a 1.12 ERA, .85 Whip, and a 4.32 K:BB. My question is how did he lose nine games? (Season record 22-9).

The Cubs have retired four uniform numbers (not including 42 for Jackie Robinson). Here’s a little history of those numbers.

No one has worn #14 since Ernie. Paul Schramka was the last to wear it before him.

No one has worn #23 since Ryno. Previously Carmen Fanzone, Pete LaCock and Jim Tracy did.

After Billy Williams was traded to Oakland, Larry Biittner and Fritz Connally wore #26

Since Santo went to the White Sox in 1974, 10 Cubs have worn #10. In order:
Billy Graubarkewitz (in 1974!!! The year after Santo left), Mike Sember, Dave Kingman, Leon Durham, Lloyd McClendon, Luis Salazar, Steve Lake, Scott Bullett, Terrell Lowery and Bruce Kimm.

Since 1966 there have been 23 managers for the Cubs. Only six have gone on to manage elsewhere. Marshall (Oakland); Durocher (Hou) – He managed four teams and all four (Dodgers, Astros, Cubs & Giants had .500+ record while he was the manager; Elia (Philadelphia ’88, 153 games), and after he got fired, John Vukovich (Philadelphia, ’88, 9 games) finished the season; Lefebvre (Milwaukee); Baker (Cincinnati).


#1 Kerry Wood, 20; Bob Feller 17

#2 Greg Maddux currently has 3306 strikeouts and 981 walks so far in his career.

#3 The Dodgers lead the Cubs in their franchise series since 1890, BY ONE WIN!!!!

#4 Greg Maddux, with the Chicago Cubs

Paying Too Much Tribute?

Baseball did a wonderful thing eleven years ago (can it really be eleven years ago?! It seems like only a few years.) They retired Jackie Robinson’s uniform number 42 for all baseball teams. Either that year or a few years later they decided to allow some players wear the number 42 on April 15 as a tribute to Robinson. Then it was expanded where entire teams wear the number 42.

This past April 15th, I was watching a number of games (via Extra Innings) and saw that most teams were wearing the number 42 in tribute. It got me to thinking. “Has this become an overdone production?” Certainly at the 50th anniversary it was a worthy event. But so was having celebrities sing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” at Wrigley the year Harry Caray died. Now it’s just stupid. What they should have done at Wrigley is have the parade of stars pay tribute to Harry in 1998 and then starting in 1999 play an audio tape of Harry singing. But instead we have a bunch of people just promoting their latest movie or accomplishment.

Wearing Jackie’s number made sense back in 1997. But now it seems overdone. First of all you have players wearing the number 42 but have no idea who Robinson was. But since the whole team is wearing 42, they have to. The first year it was a nice tribute. Now they should just make a speech from someone who played with or against him before the game or run a video highlight tribute so that the education of what Robinson did could continue.

And selfishly, as a viewer it’s confusing. I believe every team this year had their players wear 42, but no name on the back (which makes sense). But unless you have intimate knowledge of the players, you don’t know who you are watching. Certainly here in Chicago we knew who the players were even without their names on the back. Zambrano, Lee, Ramirez are all pretty identifiable. But as I watched the St. Louis/Milwaukee game, other than Pujols, Fielder and a few others, I had no idea who the players were. That got me to thinking. Do the umpires know each player? What if a weak hitting infielder was due up in a critical moment and the manager sends up another “number 42” to the plate to bat instead? Would anyone know it? Oh I’m sure someone somewhere would figure it out, but could the team get away with it?

Even the announcers were clueless. As the St. Louis broadcast team said of the new Milwaukee pitcher “The new pitcher for Milwaukee is Hanrahan. And the reason we know this is because that’s what we were told.”

And then THAT got me to thinking about owning a Fantasy League Team. I get all excited during the winter preparing for the draft (ok, who am I kidding? My draft prep doesn’t start in earnest until mid-Spring.) I see names of guys that could have their breakout year, and if I’m fortunate enough I acquire one of them at the draft. Then the season starts and I see a game that player is in and suddenly I realize (somewhat embarrassed) I know nothing about the guy. “He’s that tall and thin? He’s white/black? He’s lefthanded?”

Whether we are paying tribute to Jackie Robinson or drafting a Fantasy Team, Abbott and Costello were right. I Don’t Know really is on third.

A Mom For All (the) Seasons

As we celebrate and honor the special women in our lives, I found myself going through the Way Back Machine in my mind, remembering all the Cub games that my mom and I shared.

There was the game in April long ago against the Pittsburgh Pirates, sitting between home and third under the upperdeck where I missed an inning of the game because I was standing in line for a couple of cups of hot chocolate. It was an overcast day with a high of about 38 degrees. I think we lasted until the sixth or seventh inning of a woeful loss only because my feet were numb. She was willing to stay as long as I could handle it, and she did.

There was the game a few years later on a beautiful summer day against the Dodgers we sat down the thirdbase line next to some loudmouth L.A. cop, in town to follow his team. For the whole game we (mainly she) had to listen to him bloviate about every stat and nugget he knew about baseball and the Dodgers (which it turns out wasn’t much, because even as a fourteen year old, I knew how much misinformation he was spewing). The game ended in exciting fashion as the Dodgers had men on first and second, one out. A groundball up the middle and a wild throw as the Cubs tried to turn the doubleplay sent the ball into the stands letting the tying run to score. BUT WAIT!!! The secondbase umpire called interference on the runner trying to break up the doubleplay and therefore ruled the automatic doubleplay that ended the game. But that didn’t end the experience. In overdone, teenage joy I turned to the L.A. cop and screamed at the top of my lungs, over and over, “You lose! You lose! You lose!” As a parent now I am sure she wanted to step in and tell me to calm down, maybe even respect my elders. But she let me have my Cub fan moment.

There was the time (1984 I think) that we had tickets for a game against the Cardinals and we drove all the way down to Wrigley, couldn’t find parking and then drove all the way back home to watch it on T.V. Not once did she complain that we basically drove all the way downtown for nothing.

Fast forward to current times and I watch my betrothed and mother of four sit in sweltering heat watching a slow moving softball game of our oldest daughter as well as on and off frigid conditions to watch our second-grader excel at soccer. And this doesn’t take into consideration the countless hours she is in the backyard working on soccer drills or pitching and fielding batting practice.

She also agreed (and basically suggested) that we name our youngest two after baseball players and the baseball experience. Sports, specifically baseball, continue to weave its way through the fabric of many families. I am fortunate and privileged to be in one such family with women that enjoy the national pastime as much as most men.

Moms are an amazing breed and deserve our undying appreciation, not only on this day, but all days.

And last but not least, we look forward to Mother’s Day because it is CFCL tradition to enjoy this week’s report submitted by the League Secretary.

To Love and Love Not

Have you ever loved anything so much, but knew it was bad for you? That triple layer, double-chocolate cake that is loaded with calories and cholesterol. The hottest woman alive is interested in you but is packing the mother of all STDs. Those streamlined, sleak looking in-line skates, but you have no coordination to use them? Let me introduce you to Comcast’s Extra Inning Package. What a joy . . . and curse.

One gets to turn on the Dodger game and listen to Vin Scully broadcast a game. Does it get any better than that? The fact that he sits in his booth, alone, and just has a conversation with the microphone – the man is amazing. (That chocolate cake tastes sooooo good!)

One has the ability to, oh say, turn on the Phillies/Giants game. Cool, Charlie Kalas is doing the game. Even better, the Giants take a 4-3 lead in the 10th. So here comes Brian Wilson surfing in for a save. He gets two outs, lets the tying run get on base with a hit and then takes Pat Burrell to a full count. He delivers the pitch and because of this Extra Inning Stupidass Package, one gets to see LIVE Burrell take it over the fence, costing some poor CFCL team a Ho/Sv. (The doctor comes back saying that your cholesterol level has a higher number than the odometer on your five year old car.)

One gets to watch a game until well past midnight as long as there are games on the West Coast. Oh sure, one may have to end up watching an American League game to make this happen, but we can all make sacrifices, can’t we? (Is that goddess looking at me? She’s smiling at me?!)

Each night there are anywhere from four to ten games broadcast on Extra Innings. It’s a bit reminiscent of the old NCAA New Year’s Day Bowl Games: four or five are on in the early evening and four or five are on in the late evening. The only problem is that one finds themselves constantly flipping from one game to another, rather than hunkering down for a specific game. (Wait, what’s this doctor’s note say? SHE HAS WHAT?!)

One gets to listen to Mark Grace and his partner broadcast the Diamondback games. They are an easy listen and fun. Sometimes a little goofy and his partner is dangerously close to being Chip Caray (over the top homer). His broadcast of Doug Davis’ last game before cancer surgery could have been moving but basically was a Doug Davis Cheerfest. Here’s a sidenote, did anyone notice that the third member of that broadcast team (the goof they send out into the stands to find the human interest story – dude’s name is Todd Walsh) looks exactly like Nick Hansen if Nick were heavier and holding a microphone? (Man these in-line skates feel great: polyurethane wheels, extra padded heels, the wind blowing through my hair [work with me people, I’m not just exercising my poetic license – I’m giving it a heart attack]).

Of course being in Chicago the Cubs and White Sox are blacked out which is unfortunate since it would be fun to hear the opposing team’s call once in a while. So instead we get the home version of being able to watch Alfonso Soriano misplay three flyballs into doubles. Don’t worry Cub Fans, we still have another six years to watch Soriano turn Dave Kingman into a Gold Glove outfielder. (Hey!! Where did that turn come from? How do you stop these crazy things? Owwww!!!!! My knee is NOT supposed to be facing THAT direction!)

But Extra Innings let us flip to another game as we work through our frustration. There is always a silver lining among our clouds.

By the way, did anyone happen to notice that Steve’s Stones are in second place? One man’s joy is ten men’s curse.

After the Rose

On the TV show “The Bachelor” (and don’t tell me you don’t watch it – I just know you’re TiVOing it every week, Nick!) after the bachelor has selected his plaything, there is an episode called “After the Rose” where the girls get to tell their side of the story. The Monroe Doctrine felt it only fair to allow the lampooned owners the opportunity to set the record straight. The Revenge and Clowns provided their versions and Moore Better has promised some juicy stories when he gets back in town. No doubt he's doing some scouting work for Steve to see what Swiss bank they can buy out.

The Candy Colored Clowns (with an assist from the Kenndoza Line) were the first to offer their side of the story. Mike was pleased that the MD “actually captured my attitude and flippant sense of humor. Which is surprising since we had limited interaction at the draft...other than my allowing you to have D. Lee.”

Thanks Mike, but let’s set the record straight. There was no allowing anyone to have anything. I was Chris Moneymaker to your Sammy Farha. I saw you playing with your chips, noticed your tell and went in for the kill.

Kenn chimed in with a bit of smack for his buddy. “As for the bowling, Mike claimed he had a 180 average in college ("out of what, a thousand?"), so we wanted him on the team. He brought a lot to the table, like buying the first round of beer for being the low man each week as well as a deck of nudie playing cards for his dork teammates to appreciate.”

Mike unwittingly smacked him back (I say unwittingly because Kenn and Mike e-mailed me independent of each other [to my knowledge] and traded punches on the same topics). “I actually asked him what's with Mr. Corn Cob at the draft, even though he used to grace Kenn's desk at STATS. And you graciously left out the fact that I awarded him our bowling team's deck of nude women cards after we finished our league play so that he could learn about the female anatomy. I think it might have actually led to his eventual marriage”.

Kenn did seem to acknowledge that it isn’t surprising the Clowns are higher in the standings than the Line. “If I've ever beaten him in a fantasy baseball league, I sure don't remember it.”

While Kenn and I both enjoyed the fabricated origin for Mike’s team moniker, I’ll let Mike give you the real story.

“And finally, as a journalist myself, I would be remiss in not pointing out the only real glaring factual error (surprising there was only one, considering the "in-depth" interview process). Skittles and Chuckles are actually my two favorite candies. Of all time.

The Candy Colored Clowns actually get their name from a Roy Orbison lyric from the song "In Dreams", which plays a small but pivotally creepy role in the David Lynch film classic "Blue Velvet." I thought it had a nice double-meaning: kid-friendly mascot or menacing man in makeup.”

Tim rebutted with information that says the MD was closer to the point than expected. “Loved the brewery thing. I'll have to give that some serious consideration. I've brewed a few batches of my own but don't think it's quite ready to go public!”

There was geographic accuracy and some interesting Cub related stories. “I'm a born and bred Chicago boy, living in this area until 15, when my family moved to the Bay Area. Lived there for about 20 years and became a Giant fan (when in Rome...) while still peripherally following the Cubs. Even was at Jack Murphy to see the Cubbies lose 3 straight (many beers, peanuts, and insults were thrown my way), although I'm quite sure a few less than savory comments about Steve Garvey may have passed my lips.

Was in S.F. for the 89' earthquake. Had the TV on ready to see the Giants/A's when all hell broke loose! Got introduced to Fantasy baseball at the time when Jose Rijo ruled the world (that may have been the one season he was healthy all year!).”

Tim and his family moved back to Chicago where it turns out he became the second CFCL owner to pursue education as a career. “I teach 5th grade in Arlington Heights. I even found a way to pass Fantasy Baseball off as a summer school class! Go figure!”

But here’s how Tim best wraps up his experience in the CFCL thus far. “As for the CFCL and completely unexpected April success, I feel like the guy who ran with Ross Perot (James Stockdale??)... ‘Who am I...what am I doing here?’”

The Trilogy is Complete - Heeeere's Tim!

We embark on the final leg of our trilogy as we meet Tim Mokert. He is the last owner profiled, but certainly not the least as he is a favorite of one long-time owner.

“I, Richard Bentel – owner and mismanager of Dem Rebels, do hereby solemnly swear to honor, cherish and adore the membership of Tim Mokert, until death do us part. . . . Or until he doublecrosses me at next year’s draft.”

“I had no idea just how popular a guy could be by bidding two cents on Barry Zito. Had I known this in high school I would have been going up to all the hotties, bidding .02 on every ballplayer I could think of.”

Tim’s story begins in the Bay area (San Francisco, not Green) where he started his adult life running a Microbrewery. “Everyone else is growing grapes for the Wine Set. Me? I want to serve the common man with discerning taste.”

An errant conversation from a group of Silicon Valley big shots sent his life into a new direction. “I stopped by their table to see if they enjoyed my latest brew. As I was approaching, one guy was complaining of the production of Rick Reuschel. Another guy was harping at the slump of Bobby Bonilla. I heard them say ‘For what we paid for them, we should be getting more in return.’ I thought I was hearing the owners of the Giants and Mets talking. Turns out they belonged to a fantasy league. After some quick thinking, I joined the league on the promise that I would provide free beer to all league functions.”

The rest is history. Tim made quite a mark on this Bay area league, becoming the Commissioner and staying a part of it, even after he moved back to Chicago. Once back in Chicago, he ditched the microbrewery business and looked to make a splash in corn dogs. “Rolling Meadows is the perfect location to build the corn dog empire. It’s near O’Hare to catch all the tourists, and right off the main expressways to nab all the construction workers.”

He was also looking for a local league to dominate and saw the posting for the opening in the CFCL at the Fantasy Baseball Café website.

“My team name came pretty easy to me,” says Mokert. “Sometimes when we’re coming up with new recipes for the corn dogs, they don’t always turn out the way we would like. Then production stops for a few days while we deal with the residual issues.”

As the saying goes, “When one gastro-intestinal owner’s door closes, another one opens.”

Fortunately at the draft, there were no “corn dog issues”. Mokert made a splash right away, acquiring the eighth player of the draft, Jake Peavy, for .42. “I was looking for a California guy to start off my day and he was the first one brought up. That’s also probably why I went to .02 on Zito. I didn’t have any Giants on my team yet. I sure wasn’t trying to become best friends with Bentel. The guy won’t leave me alone. The e-mails, flowers, gift baskets. Dude, aren’t you married?”

Little does Tim know those are diversionary tactics to knock him from his current Second Place Loft. They are NOT, according to a source within the Rebel Flannel Factory, affectionate tokens of appreciation – as far as you know.

One Moore Owner To Meet

In our continuing stooorrry about the three new additions to the CFCL we turn our attention to Michael Moore. Admittedly the CFCL was a bit nervous having a famous film director join their round table. Oh sure, the CFCL is not new to, nor intimidated by, the film industry. Having been featured in Trading the Gator, the red lights and red carpet are part of their makeup. Additionally let’s not forget the horrible mistake of a film the Bulls made at home in their youth (visit YouTube.com and search on “Bulls Getting Jiggy With It”). Being around a camera is second nature to the CFCL.

Imagine the surprise when, on March 30th, a dumpy, hairy, bespectacled man did not enter the Draft War Room, but a clean cut, slim, young banker did. This is Michael Moore? This is Michael Moore.

Currently residing in Rogers Park on the North Side, the Moore story starts earlier. Growing up in rural Wichita, Kansas young Michael was sitting at the dinner table one evening, having just shucked his twentieth silo of corn. He heard his sister proclaim: “Momma, these cornbread muffins are more better than them flapjacks you made this morning!” Young Michael’s life was changed forever. “If I ever move to Chicago and join an elite fantasy baseball league, I’m going to call my team More Better. No wait!!!! Moore Better! I could work my name into it! How cool! Hmm. I should go into marketing.” And a dream was born.

A few years later after Michael finished high school and college in the back of the warehouse of Brooks Agricultural in Salina, Kansas, he loaded up his car to head to Chicago. His father, hugging him good-bye, slipped a few extra dollars into the pocket of Michael’s waistcoat and wished his son “God speed.” After a few months of hitting the streets of downtown Chicago trying to show off his Marketing Wizardry, Michael was down to his last few dollars and desperate.

A stranger eating a bratwurst approached. Engaging Michael in conversation our Caped Crusader heard Michael pine, “All I want is to join a Fantasy Baseball League, forget about marketing and get into banking.”

“I think I can help you on both fronts,” said our hero as he adjusted his Brewer boxer shorts and straightened his Bernie The Brewer headpiece. “You see I am recent champion of a prestigious Fantasy League. And I also happen to own a bank. Why don’t you have dinner with me and we will figure things out.”

And so a few months later Michael joins the CFCL and becomes the youngest current owner. Being the youngest owner could be a problem for most, but not the determined Michael. “It’s really more of an advantage because by the fifth round of the draft, most of my older compatriots are looking to take a nap and I’m just getting started.”

That strategy will need some work. This year in the 5th round Moore Better snagged So Taguchi for .02 and in the 6th round they picked up Jack Wilson for .15. “I’m not worried,” says Moore. “Now I’ve got everyone’s phone number. Around midnight next year I’m going to start calling the other owners so they don’t get a good night’s sleep. 2009 will be my year to shine.”

Meet the Candy Colored Clowns

Since our time is always limited at the Draft for socializing and connecting with our fellow owners, the Monroe Doctrine has stepped up to the plate to bring you in-depth information about our three new owners. Over the next three weeks, you will be meeting your new owners again, for the first time. Due to scheduling conflicts and time constraints we didn’t bother ourselves with the formality of actually interviewing the new owners. I’m sure what follows will be news to them as well as you.

Monroe Doctrine (MD): It’s a pleasure to have you in the CFCL.

Candy Colored Clowns (CCC): Thanks. I’ve been looking for a local league that is as dedicated as the CFCL appears to be.

MD: Did you know that you look like Mr. Mitchell, Dennis the Menace’s father? Or Calvin’s father from Calvin and Hobbes? Especially when your glasses get dark due to the light.

CCC: Interesting. My wife has told me I’m quite dashing, but I’ve never been compared to a comic strip character – let along two. Next year I’ll bring a pipe to complete the image.

MD: Where does the name Candy Colored Clowns derive from?

CCC: It’s me facing my childhood fears. Clowns scared the hell out of me and candy with various colors freaked me out. Give me a Snickers, Milky Way or Hershey’s Bar any day of the week. But jelly beans, Skittles, M&M’s and Chuckles give me the willies. Think of it like the dude from The Natural. The owner of the New York Knights had a fear of the dark, so as an adult he kept his office in the dark that he might prove he had conquered his fears.

MD: In your “application” to the CFCL you mentioned that the Cincinnati Reds are your favorite team. Do you see any future drafting problems with other owners trying to make you pay extra for your home town heroes?

CCC: Not at all for two reasons. First of all this is the “Cubs Fan Club League” so methinks there are plenty of Cub rooters that are facing the same dilemma. Secondly, I saw the abuse heaped on the Stones and their Brewer love so I think I’ll be able to fly under the radar for a few years.

MD: You certainly did make a big statement when you pointed out that .23 wouldn’t be enough to buy Corey Patterson.

CCC: Yeah, that’s true. I was just telling them the price of playing poker. It’s not like I overdid it by drafting sixteen Brewers for my reserve list. I mean, c’mon Steve, at least try to disguise your passion a little!

MD: How did you find the CFCL?

CCC: I turned right off of Meyers, into the parking lot. But seriously, I received an e-mail from Kenn Ruby asking if I would be interested in joining. Kenn and I go way back. We were in the same STATS Fantasy League and I kicked Kenn around like he was a worn out soccer ball. Then we bowled together, just because I wanted him to think he could beat me at something. I’m not so sure about him anymore, though. What’s with Mr. Corn Cob?

MD: We’re not quite sure either. But the dude did win it all last year so you have to give him his props.

CCC: I will, begrudgingly.

MD: During the draft, the Rebels implored you to blink in the bidding on Derrek Lee. Ultimately you passed at .41. Had the Rebels worn their Authentic Derrek Lee jersey, would you have bid higher?

CCC: Oh man, I would have made him pay more than Chase Utley. In retrospect, I shouldn’t have blinked. I felt like the Stones were most likely going to drop (which they did), but I should have pushed the Rebels around with my pocketbook like I was Paris Hilton on a weekend spree. Oh well, live and learn.

MD: Mike, thanks for your time. Welcome to the CFCL!

CCC: My pleasure. If you’re ever in Orland Hills . . . keep driving. We’d prefer if you didn’t stop in to visit.