News from Around the League
The Monroe Doctrine paid a visit to each team to see what’s happening in the lives of the owners two months into the season. Here are some snippets.
Twin Killers:
MD: What’s happening with the Killers?
TK: When last we spoke our main plan for the year was to finish ahead of Dem Rebels. That’s pretty much going to happen no matter what. The Rebels are going to pass us, actually, so our new mission this year is to win the Dallas Green Award. Starting out at 28 points gives us a pretty good shot.
DoorMatts:
MD: Matt, you’ve been in first for the last six weeks. Nicely done.
DM: Thanks, but let’s not kid ourselves. The only week that matters is the 26th. I’m a nervous wreck already. I don’t see how I’ll be able to hold up for the next four months. Take that however you like.
Candy Colored Clowns:
MD: Mike, what’s on your To-Do List?
CCC: I’m trying to come up with another put down for the Kenndoza Line. I just can’t find anything better than ‘Gentlemen .. . and Kenn’ See? It works for everything! Maybe I could find an angle with that Bert and Ernie thing he brings to the draft.
Kenndoza Line:
MD: Kenn, what’s your focus as we head into June?
KL: I’m trying to find a come back to the Clowns. “Oh yeah?” “Sez you!” Oh why can’t I be as clever as Mike?!
David’s Ruffins:
MD: Usually each summer after the students head home, the Ruffins front office heads for an amazing locale. This year any different?
DR: I’m packing for my summer sabbatical in Quebec, Norway and Japan. It’s going to be a whirlwind. The university thinks I’m going to learn something, and I am. Just not politically science related. I’m headed to learn the history of Francoeur, Pence and Fukudome.
MD: I didn’t know Pence was from Norway.
DR: I’m not sure he does either, but we’ve always wanted to go and Madam Ruffin was able to convince her higher-ups that there’s art worth studying there.
David’s Copperfields:
MD: Have things slowed down in the Copperfield household?
DC: With three boys? Are you kidding? We have three different little leagues going, plus boy scouts. I’m organizing the bake sale and have to crank out about a thousand raspberry clotschkes. Excuse me, I need to find my apron.
Dem Rebels:
MD: This year hasn’t quite turned out the way you anticipated, has it?
DR: To quote the DoorMatts “May is a busy month for the Rebels. Two kid’s birthdays, a wedding anniversary and falling out of the race all in one month.”
MD: That’s pretty harsh.
DR: You know, I’d disown him at the next family reunion, but he’s not wrong.
Morkertzuma’s Revenge:
MD: It’s June. What’s going on in the life of a Tim Morkert?
MR: School’s out and I’m on ‘Island Time’. No papers to grade, no bathroom passes to issue. I’ve finally got some “Me Time”. Eighth place will be a memory.
Red Hots:
MD: Bob, what does the summer mean to you?
RH: Kid’s are home from school so there are water gun fights to instigate, but it’s all about Vegas baby! World Series of Poker is coming and I’m gonna get me one of them bracelets.
Granging Bulls:
MD: Matt, the Bulls are hanging tight in 3rd. What’s on the agenda?
GB: Busy times, busy times. Did you see me in Row Three at Wrigley sticking pins in all my Non-Bull voodoo dolls? No? That’s because I was trying to think of a way to get rid of Lou Pinella. I’ve been at Wrigley so much this year Security is getting suspicious. Plus I’ve got to decide if the pennant is within my reach. If not I’ve got some work to do to snag 4th place. There’s a hot hitting secondbaseman from Vanderbilt I want to make sure I position myself for.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
The Running of the Wolves
Sunday morning my daughter Ally and I completed a 5K Run/Walk that was organized and sponsored by her grade school. Really they didn’t name it right. It’s not a 5K Run/Walk. It’s a 5K Run/Walk/Crawl/Bend-over-at-the-waist-to-desperately-catch-your-breath/Dry Heave-at-the-side-of-the-road. Not sure they measured it right, either. I swear it was a full marathon length. At least that’s what my knees were telling me.
Ally faired better than I did, or at least seemed to. I didn’t notice any profuse sweating, knee popping or lung wheezing for her.
It got me to thinking about the physical requirements of being an everyday adult vs. an athlete. As adults mostly we’re charged with walking up and down stairs at work and home and perhaps engaging with our kids in sports for a few minutes each weekend. Running out a lazy groundball to short would cause most of our legs to seize up and make us walk funny for the next few days. There is an amazing amount of athleticism involved for Aramis Ramirez to (sort of) run out that lazy groundball to short that allows him to do that four times a game.
MLB Channel has the Pre-Game Look In where they show batting practice and players warming up playing catch. Watching them throw just to warm up made me realize that if that was me, my arm would be in traction before the game even started.
Adorned with lucky number 1526 (a shout out to my home boys Steve Dillard and Larry Biittner yo!) off we went. The course wound throughout the housing communities surrounding the school and within the first half mile Ally was off to a four house lead.
Disappointingly there was a water station along the way but not the important stuff like crash carts and portable defibrillators.
Halfway through, we started passing the early sprinters. One look in their eyes and you could tell they were done. And here's where I had plenty of time to contemplate life, the CFCL and my crackling lungs. As I passed a few runners I thought "Cool, I'm really advancing!" Then my pace would slow and those same runners I passed, moved ahead of me and it got me to thinking of the CFCL standings. If the Rebels (or any team really) have a good day (ok, let's imagine the Rebels having a good day) and pass a team or two in Total Bases, I start to think "OK, we're making progress." But then those teams that were passed have their good days later in the week and regain their position, pushing the Rebels back down in points. To gain position and maintain it, you need a prolonged surge of productivity, not a short burst, unless you're near the finish line. There are many, many, many parallels between the CFCL, or fantasy baseball, and life.
At the end there was a lot of cheering of support and the official time clock clicked 33:58 slotting me in as the Aramis Ramirez of the racing set.
While waiting for the official results there were bagels and bananas to snack on, massage tents to collapse into, good music to listen to and teachers, neighbors and classmates to chat with and compare notes. For the Inaugural Running of the Wolves, it was a really well organized and sponsored event. Best of all it was a great way to spend time with Ally on a Sunday morning.
Oh, Ally’s time? 32:00 – 8th in her age group and 113th in a field of 379. Did I mention she's ten year's old? Kicked my butt.
Ally faired better than I did, or at least seemed to. I didn’t notice any profuse sweating, knee popping or lung wheezing for her.
It got me to thinking about the physical requirements of being an everyday adult vs. an athlete. As adults mostly we’re charged with walking up and down stairs at work and home and perhaps engaging with our kids in sports for a few minutes each weekend. Running out a lazy groundball to short would cause most of our legs to seize up and make us walk funny for the next few days. There is an amazing amount of athleticism involved for Aramis Ramirez to (sort of) run out that lazy groundball to short that allows him to do that four times a game.
MLB Channel has the Pre-Game Look In where they show batting practice and players warming up playing catch. Watching them throw just to warm up made me realize that if that was me, my arm would be in traction before the game even started.
Adorned with lucky number 1526 (a shout out to my home boys Steve Dillard and Larry Biittner yo!) off we went. The course wound throughout the housing communities surrounding the school and within the first half mile Ally was off to a four house lead.
Disappointingly there was a water station along the way but not the important stuff like crash carts and portable defibrillators.
Halfway through, we started passing the early sprinters. One look in their eyes and you could tell they were done. And here's where I had plenty of time to contemplate life, the CFCL and my crackling lungs. As I passed a few runners I thought "Cool, I'm really advancing!" Then my pace would slow and those same runners I passed, moved ahead of me and it got me to thinking of the CFCL standings. If the Rebels (or any team really) have a good day (ok, let's imagine the Rebels having a good day) and pass a team or two in Total Bases, I start to think "OK, we're making progress." But then those teams that were passed have their good days later in the week and regain their position, pushing the Rebels back down in points. To gain position and maintain it, you need a prolonged surge of productivity, not a short burst, unless you're near the finish line. There are many, many, many parallels between the CFCL, or fantasy baseball, and life.
At the end there was a lot of cheering of support and the official time clock clicked 33:58 slotting me in as the Aramis Ramirez of the racing set.
While waiting for the official results there were bagels and bananas to snack on, massage tents to collapse into, good music to listen to and teachers, neighbors and classmates to chat with and compare notes. For the Inaugural Running of the Wolves, it was a really well organized and sponsored event. Best of all it was a great way to spend time with Ally on a Sunday morning.
Oh, Ally’s time? 32:00 – 8th in her age group and 113th in a field of 379. Did I mention she's ten year's old? Kicked my butt.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
For It's One, Two, Three Snacks To Eat At The Old Ballgame
Friday was our annual trip to Elfstrom Stadium wherein our grade schoolers are rewarded for reading throughout the winter. Katelyn (7th grade) didn’t have the opportunity to participate in the Ozzie Reading Club. Apparently once you hit middle school you’ve read all you need to.
When we first arrived, Ally and Kristi grabbed a hot dog and drink while I snagged Geneva’s greatest underrated snack – the Super Rope. Two feet of red licorice goodness.
It was a packed house with tons of school groups. The thing I noticed is that with so many kids and school groups in attendance there didn’t seem to be all that much baseball watching going on. Most of the kids want to run around and find each other and a lot of the parents decided a seating section at a baseball game was the perfect place to stand and talk and hug and get reacquainted.
But what I will admit it is that what the kids lacked in baseball attentiveness, they made up for in volume. When one of the Cougars got a basehit, the kids would react with maniacal screaming and clapping, even if they weren’t quite sure what impact the hit had on the game.
A monster homerun to deep centerfield by Cougar Leonardo Gil, number 24 in your scorecard and number one in your heart, sent the noise level exploding even higher.
The Cougars hung up crooked numbers in the third and fifth innings to send 8800 fans home happy.
Throughout the game the P.A. Announcer kept promoting their first fireworks show of the year. “Stay with us after the game for fireworks set to Disney music!” I was expecting a little Hakuna Matata from the Lion King, maybe something from Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast and Toy Story, so I set my alarm clock for “Fun” around 9:30.
In between innings I perused the Grand Slam Gazette (the Cougars magazine) and had a few CFCL flashbacks. I noticed that Todd Benzinger and Sal Fasano are managers in the Midwest League. A far cry from being owned by the Copperfields and Rebels, but they have a dream to follow.
My youngest daughter, Kristi, started showing interest in the game this year. After a River Bandit basehit she wondered why there were two “red guys” on first base. I pointed out it was the batter and the firstbase coach talking. Throughout the game she would comment “that ball looked foul” or “he was safe”. Not exactly Steve Stone, but a few inches ahead of Ron Santo.
As the game wore on, the temperature dropped and it became fun to just huddle up, arms wrapped around each other and cheer each successive out that led to a Cougars victory.
A quick trip to the concourse for some Dippin’ Dots and it was time to settle in for the Disney Fireworks Show. Instead of the rockets being accompanied by the scores of animated movies, it was Hannah Montana, Selena Gomez and the Jonas Brothers, et. al. from the other side of Disney’s empire. Being the father of three young girls I was able to nail the first three artists in the set and even though it wasn’t Woody and Buzz singing, the display was awesome. After fifteen minutes of colorful explosions, we collected our program, jackets and left over three foot bag of popcorn and headed home.
Since this week’s Monroe Doctrine has been about family, I would like to cap it off by honoring the Lady Rebel as we celebrate our Mark Grace Anniversary.
When we first arrived, Ally and Kristi grabbed a hot dog and drink while I snagged Geneva’s greatest underrated snack – the Super Rope. Two feet of red licorice goodness.
It was a packed house with tons of school groups. The thing I noticed is that with so many kids and school groups in attendance there didn’t seem to be all that much baseball watching going on. Most of the kids want to run around and find each other and a lot of the parents decided a seating section at a baseball game was the perfect place to stand and talk and hug and get reacquainted.
But what I will admit it is that what the kids lacked in baseball attentiveness, they made up for in volume. When one of the Cougars got a basehit, the kids would react with maniacal screaming and clapping, even if they weren’t quite sure what impact the hit had on the game.
A monster homerun to deep centerfield by Cougar Leonardo Gil, number 24 in your scorecard and number one in your heart, sent the noise level exploding even higher.
The Cougars hung up crooked numbers in the third and fifth innings to send 8800 fans home happy.
Throughout the game the P.A. Announcer kept promoting their first fireworks show of the year. “Stay with us after the game for fireworks set to Disney music!” I was expecting a little Hakuna Matata from the Lion King, maybe something from Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast and Toy Story, so I set my alarm clock for “Fun” around 9:30.
In between innings I perused the Grand Slam Gazette (the Cougars magazine) and had a few CFCL flashbacks. I noticed that Todd Benzinger and Sal Fasano are managers in the Midwest League. A far cry from being owned by the Copperfields and Rebels, but they have a dream to follow.
My youngest daughter, Kristi, started showing interest in the game this year. After a River Bandit basehit she wondered why there were two “red guys” on first base. I pointed out it was the batter and the firstbase coach talking. Throughout the game she would comment “that ball looked foul” or “he was safe”. Not exactly Steve Stone, but a few inches ahead of Ron Santo.
As the game wore on, the temperature dropped and it became fun to just huddle up, arms wrapped around each other and cheer each successive out that led to a Cougars victory.
A quick trip to the concourse for some Dippin’ Dots and it was time to settle in for the Disney Fireworks Show. Instead of the rockets being accompanied by the scores of animated movies, it was Hannah Montana, Selena Gomez and the Jonas Brothers, et. al. from the other side of Disney’s empire. Being the father of three young girls I was able to nail the first three artists in the set and even though it wasn’t Woody and Buzz singing, the display was awesome. After fifteen minutes of colorful explosions, we collected our program, jackets and left over three foot bag of popcorn and headed home.
Since this week’s Monroe Doctrine has been about family, I would like to cap it off by honoring the Lady Rebel as we celebrate our Mark Grace Anniversary.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Who Would It Be?
What if you had a 4.0 GPA in high school? Would that have changed your life? What if you didn’t meet that special someone in your life? Where would you be right now? What if you were six foot four? Would you be able to reach the Cheerios on the top shelf without using a chair?
What if there were no Chicago Cubs? Blasphemy, I know. But what if? Let’s assume I’m still a baseball fan without having grown up with Jack, Vince and Lou. Let’s also assume that I want to be a fan of baseball and not a beer league so I’m still a National League fan. What team would be my favorite?
Being in Chicago I have options. If I want to be a fan of geography I still have three choices. St. Louis Cardinals, Cincinnati Reds, Milwaukee Brewers. While I like the rivalry and some of the history of the Brewers, I have to throw them out for being an original American League team. During my formative years, the Brewers were fighting the losers from the South Side, not the Cubs.
St. Louis has strong consideration. Plenty of history, second most success in baseball after the Yankees, new ballpark to enjoy, rabid fans that know the game.
Cincinnati isn’t bad either. Tons of success while I was growing up, Big Red Machine with Bench, Morgan, Foster and Sparky. More success in 1990 with the Bad Boys and Uncle Lou. New ballpark with a view of the river. I probably would have been turned off of the Reds with Schott owning them, however.
Atlanta Braves would be the easy choice since growing up I saw a ton of Braves games on WTBS. But I don’t know that I would have been captured by the Ken Oberkfells, Glen Hubbards and Rick Camps. Although it’s hard not to like a team with Dale Murphy or a guy named Roland Office.
Growing up in the ‘70s the Dodgers and Phillies were consistently winning and had great players to follow (Schmidt, Carlton, Garvey, Lopes) but they just didn’t capture me.
In thinking back to growing up and considering the teams now, I would have to be a fan of the Pittsburgh Pirates. As a kid I loved the uniforms from the ‘70s with the multiple combinations. Loved Willie Stargell and The Hammer (player’s name anyone?). Wasn’t crazy about the Bonds era, but every team has that (the Cubs had Sosa and I was still a fan of the team, Cardinals had McGwire, Reds had Rose). As futile as the Pirates are right now (tapping into my inner Cubby) they have enjoyed more success since 1970 than the Cubs have (nine playoff appearances vs. six appearances and two World Series Championships vs. of course, zero).
An original team with a history going back to 1882 that included Honus Wagner, The Waners, Bill Mazeroski’s shot, Clemente, Parker and a personal favorite, Omar Moreno.
While I’ve never been to a game in Pittsburgh, their ballpark looks phenomenal. The view over the outfield wall of Clemente Bridge crossing the Allegheny is awesome. Back in the ‘70s I would have loved the tie-in of the Pirate colors with my favorite football team, the Steelers.
Plus even though there has been limited success, especially recently, they have had only seven managers since 1977. The Cubs have had 22 managers since 1977.
And tying in the CFCL, having Andrew McCutchen on the club sure makes it an easier choice as well to enjoy them now.
Who would you cheer for if you didn’t have the Cubs (or Reds or White Sox)?
P.S. Happy Mother’s Day to all the mom’s in our lives. Mr. Mahlan if you would do your thing please.
What if there were no Chicago Cubs? Blasphemy, I know. But what if? Let’s assume I’m still a baseball fan without having grown up with Jack, Vince and Lou. Let’s also assume that I want to be a fan of baseball and not a beer league so I’m still a National League fan. What team would be my favorite?
Being in Chicago I have options. If I want to be a fan of geography I still have three choices. St. Louis Cardinals, Cincinnati Reds, Milwaukee Brewers. While I like the rivalry and some of the history of the Brewers, I have to throw them out for being an original American League team. During my formative years, the Brewers were fighting the losers from the South Side, not the Cubs.
St. Louis has strong consideration. Plenty of history, second most success in baseball after the Yankees, new ballpark to enjoy, rabid fans that know the game.
Cincinnati isn’t bad either. Tons of success while I was growing up, Big Red Machine with Bench, Morgan, Foster and Sparky. More success in 1990 with the Bad Boys and Uncle Lou. New ballpark with a view of the river. I probably would have been turned off of the Reds with Schott owning them, however.
Atlanta Braves would be the easy choice since growing up I saw a ton of Braves games on WTBS. But I don’t know that I would have been captured by the Ken Oberkfells, Glen Hubbards and Rick Camps. Although it’s hard not to like a team with Dale Murphy or a guy named Roland Office.
Growing up in the ‘70s the Dodgers and Phillies were consistently winning and had great players to follow (Schmidt, Carlton, Garvey, Lopes) but they just didn’t capture me.
In thinking back to growing up and considering the teams now, I would have to be a fan of the Pittsburgh Pirates. As a kid I loved the uniforms from the ‘70s with the multiple combinations. Loved Willie Stargell and The Hammer (player’s name anyone?). Wasn’t crazy about the Bonds era, but every team has that (the Cubs had Sosa and I was still a fan of the team, Cardinals had McGwire, Reds had Rose). As futile as the Pirates are right now (tapping into my inner Cubby) they have enjoyed more success since 1970 than the Cubs have (nine playoff appearances vs. six appearances and two World Series Championships vs. of course, zero).
An original team with a history going back to 1882 that included Honus Wagner, The Waners, Bill Mazeroski’s shot, Clemente, Parker and a personal favorite, Omar Moreno.
While I’ve never been to a game in Pittsburgh, their ballpark looks phenomenal. The view over the outfield wall of Clemente Bridge crossing the Allegheny is awesome. Back in the ‘70s I would have loved the tie-in of the Pirate colors with my favorite football team, the Steelers.
Plus even though there has been limited success, especially recently, they have had only seven managers since 1977. The Cubs have had 22 managers since 1977.
And tying in the CFCL, having Andrew McCutchen on the club sure makes it an easier choice as well to enjoy them now.
Who would you cheer for if you didn’t have the Cubs (or Reds or White Sox)?
P.S. Happy Mother’s Day to all the mom’s in our lives. Mr. Mahlan if you would do your thing please.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Meet the Twin Killers
2010 found a new team in the CFCL. We here at the Monroe Doctrine always like to introduce the new owners, but first our disclaimer:
Due to scheduling conflicts and time constraints we didn’t bother ourselves with the formality of actually interviewing the new owners. I’m sure what follows will be news to them as well as you.
MD: Welcome gentlemen. It’s a pleasure having you here. Let’s start at the beginning. What’s with the name? Are you guys referring to being twins that are Lady Killers?
Mike: No, dude, we’re way more creative than that. There are so many levels here. The Twins are a baseball team. We’re twins. A twin-killing is a double play in baseball.
MD: So Mike, you’re in charge, right? Main owner since you were at the draft, Matt is just a support person?
Matt: Now hold on. We decided to approach this as a team, but since we both couldn’t be at the draft we decided that the one without a girlfriend would have more time to sit in a room all day with a bunch of dudes. The ladies are warm for my form, so I’m not at the draft.
Mike: You’re just jealous that Dad always liked me better and wanted me at the draft with him. If you were at the draft we would have ended up with Esmalian Caridad in our bullpen.
MD: Uh, Mike, you do have Cardidad in your bullpen. . . at .15.
Mike: You know what I mean!! Next question.
MD: If we have this right, Mike you’re the Sox fan and Matt you’re the Cubs fan?
Mike: I prefer to think of it as I’m Enlightened and he’s a Neanderthal.
MD: How about the rest of your family?
Mike: My Dad is a Cubs fan, through and through. Not sure why. Our sister Lauren says she’s a Cubs fan but she just wants to borrow Dad’s car every weekend. My mom loves me for who I am and because I eat all my veggies.
MD: At the draft, during breaks many owners will call their support person to reaffirm strategy and give updates. Did you have to do that, or since you’re twins do you have that ESP thing working?
Matt: That’s a bunch of hocus pocus. There’s no twin ESP. I have no idea what’s rolling around that extra large cranium of his, aside from the fact that he wants to own every player that used to play for the White Sox.
Mike: All I’m going to say is “2005”, Mr. 1908.
Matt: Can we not do that here? We’re being interviewed by a national publication. Show some class, peanut head.
MD: You’re a month into the season, how are things going?
Matt: We’re in tenth place, that says it all. But at least the DoorMatts are rockin’ it.
Mike: Now who needs to borrow Dad’s car, suck up.
Matt: I’ve got my ladies to drive me around, I don’t need Dad’s car.
MD: Most teams in the MLB, NFL, etc. start with new ownership/management and say they have a Five Year Plan. What’s the vision for the Twin Killers?
Mike: Obviously we want to win the championship RIGHT NOW! But we understand that we are 27 years behind the curve starting out. So our initial plan each year is to finish ahead of Dem Rebels.
MD: So you’re joining the Clowns and the now defunct Picts in targeting Dem Rebels?
Matt: It’s not personal. Well, it is, but not for baseball reasons. We just want to be the best team owned by guys born on August 8th.
MD: Interesting. Say, what did you do to celebrate the Cubs first night game on 8/8/88?
Mike: How old do you think we are? We’re not ancient! We weren’t even born when lights went on at Wrigley.
MD: Alright young men, let’s move to your future. What are your career aspirations?
Mike: Career aspirations? We’re focused on running the best CFCL team ever! We’re off to a slow start, but this is a marathon, not a sprint. My career is GM. Don’t print that though, Mom and Dad are spending a boatload of money sending me to college. They think I’m going to be an engineer.
MD: No problem, this is off the record.
Matt: Co-GM brother. That’s where my head is at. That and being the biggest fan of the World Champion Chicago Cubs, baby!
Mike: Man, you talk about a marathon. Good luck with that.
MD: In closing, is there anything else you would like to share with your fellow owners?
Mike: You mean like Matt sucked his thumb until high school? Or is that too personal? All these “ladies” he talks about? They don’t arrive at our house in their cars; they show up wrapped in unmarked, plain brown boxes if you get my drift.
Matt: Really? Maybe the CFCL would like to know about your obsession with Dora the Explorer. Every morning before class this knucklehead yells at the TV “Dora, you’re magnifico!” That and he still makes our mom blow kisses on his Lucky Charms when she pours them into his Calvin & Hobbes breakfast bowl.
MD: Thank you, gentlemen. This has really been a pleasure.
Due to scheduling conflicts and time constraints we didn’t bother ourselves with the formality of actually interviewing the new owners. I’m sure what follows will be news to them as well as you.
MD: Welcome gentlemen. It’s a pleasure having you here. Let’s start at the beginning. What’s with the name? Are you guys referring to being twins that are Lady Killers?
Mike: No, dude, we’re way more creative than that. There are so many levels here. The Twins are a baseball team. We’re twins. A twin-killing is a double play in baseball.
MD: So Mike, you’re in charge, right? Main owner since you were at the draft, Matt is just a support person?
Matt: Now hold on. We decided to approach this as a team, but since we both couldn’t be at the draft we decided that the one without a girlfriend would have more time to sit in a room all day with a bunch of dudes. The ladies are warm for my form, so I’m not at the draft.
Mike: You’re just jealous that Dad always liked me better and wanted me at the draft with him. If you were at the draft we would have ended up with Esmalian Caridad in our bullpen.
MD: Uh, Mike, you do have Cardidad in your bullpen. . . at .15.
Mike: You know what I mean!! Next question.
MD: If we have this right, Mike you’re the Sox fan and Matt you’re the Cubs fan?
Mike: I prefer to think of it as I’m Enlightened and he’s a Neanderthal.
MD: How about the rest of your family?
Mike: My Dad is a Cubs fan, through and through. Not sure why. Our sister Lauren says she’s a Cubs fan but she just wants to borrow Dad’s car every weekend. My mom loves me for who I am and because I eat all my veggies.
MD: At the draft, during breaks many owners will call their support person to reaffirm strategy and give updates. Did you have to do that, or since you’re twins do you have that ESP thing working?
Matt: That’s a bunch of hocus pocus. There’s no twin ESP. I have no idea what’s rolling around that extra large cranium of his, aside from the fact that he wants to own every player that used to play for the White Sox.
Mike: All I’m going to say is “2005”, Mr. 1908.
Matt: Can we not do that here? We’re being interviewed by a national publication. Show some class, peanut head.
MD: You’re a month into the season, how are things going?
Matt: We’re in tenth place, that says it all. But at least the DoorMatts are rockin’ it.
Mike: Now who needs to borrow Dad’s car, suck up.
Matt: I’ve got my ladies to drive me around, I don’t need Dad’s car.
MD: Most teams in the MLB, NFL, etc. start with new ownership/management and say they have a Five Year Plan. What’s the vision for the Twin Killers?
Mike: Obviously we want to win the championship RIGHT NOW! But we understand that we are 27 years behind the curve starting out. So our initial plan each year is to finish ahead of Dem Rebels.
MD: So you’re joining the Clowns and the now defunct Picts in targeting Dem Rebels?
Matt: It’s not personal. Well, it is, but not for baseball reasons. We just want to be the best team owned by guys born on August 8th.
MD: Interesting. Say, what did you do to celebrate the Cubs first night game on 8/8/88?
Mike: How old do you think we are? We’re not ancient! We weren’t even born when lights went on at Wrigley.
MD: Alright young men, let’s move to your future. What are your career aspirations?
Mike: Career aspirations? We’re focused on running the best CFCL team ever! We’re off to a slow start, but this is a marathon, not a sprint. My career is GM. Don’t print that though, Mom and Dad are spending a boatload of money sending me to college. They think I’m going to be an engineer.
MD: No problem, this is off the record.
Matt: Co-GM brother. That’s where my head is at. That and being the biggest fan of the World Champion Chicago Cubs, baby!
Mike: Man, you talk about a marathon. Good luck with that.
MD: In closing, is there anything else you would like to share with your fellow owners?
Mike: You mean like Matt sucked his thumb until high school? Or is that too personal? All these “ladies” he talks about? They don’t arrive at our house in their cars; they show up wrapped in unmarked, plain brown boxes if you get my drift.
Matt: Really? Maybe the CFCL would like to know about your obsession with Dora the Explorer. Every morning before class this knucklehead yells at the TV “Dora, you’re magnifico!” That and he still makes our mom blow kisses on his Lucky Charms when she pours them into his Calvin & Hobbes breakfast bowl.
MD: Thank you, gentlemen. This has really been a pleasure.
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