Meet the Twin Killers

2010 found a new team in the CFCL. We here at the Monroe Doctrine always like to introduce the new owners, but first our disclaimer:

Due to scheduling conflicts and time constraints we didn’t bother ourselves with the formality of actually interviewing the new owners. I’m sure what follows will be news to them as well as you.

MD: Welcome gentlemen. It’s a pleasure having you here. Let’s start at the beginning. What’s with the name? Are you guys referring to being twins that are Lady Killers?

Mike: No, dude, we’re way more creative than that. There are so many levels here. The Twins are a baseball team. We’re twins. A twin-killing is a double play in baseball.

MD: So Mike, you’re in charge, right? Main owner since you were at the draft, Matt is just a support person?

Matt: Now hold on. We decided to approach this as a team, but since we both couldn’t be at the draft we decided that the one without a girlfriend would have more time to sit in a room all day with a bunch of dudes. The ladies are warm for my form, so I’m not at the draft.

Mike: You’re just jealous that Dad always liked me better and wanted me at the draft with him. If you were at the draft we would have ended up with Esmalian Caridad in our bullpen.

MD: Uh, Mike, you do have Cardidad in your bullpen. . . at .15.

Mike: You know what I mean!! Next question.

MD: If we have this right, Mike you’re the Sox fan and Matt you’re the Cubs fan?

Mike: I prefer to think of it as I’m Enlightened and he’s a Neanderthal.

MD: How about the rest of your family?

Mike: My Dad is a Cubs fan, through and through. Not sure why. Our sister Lauren says she’s a Cubs fan but she just wants to borrow Dad’s car every weekend. My mom loves me for who I am and because I eat all my veggies.

MD: At the draft, during breaks many owners will call their support person to reaffirm strategy and give updates. Did you have to do that, or since you’re twins do you have that ESP thing working?

Matt: That’s a bunch of hocus pocus. There’s no twin ESP. I have no idea what’s rolling around that extra large cranium of his, aside from the fact that he wants to own every player that used to play for the White Sox.

Mike: All I’m going to say is “2005”, Mr. 1908.

Matt: Can we not do that here? We’re being interviewed by a national publication. Show some class, peanut head.

MD: You’re a month into the season, how are things going?

Matt: We’re in tenth place, that says it all. But at least the DoorMatts are rockin’ it.

Mike: Now who needs to borrow Dad’s car, suck up.

Matt: I’ve got my ladies to drive me around, I don’t need Dad’s car.

MD: Most teams in the MLB, NFL, etc. start with new ownership/management and say they have a Five Year Plan. What’s the vision for the Twin Killers?

Mike: Obviously we want to win the championship RIGHT NOW! But we understand that we are 27 years behind the curve starting out. So our initial plan each year is to finish ahead of Dem Rebels.

MD: So you’re joining the Clowns and the now defunct Picts in targeting Dem Rebels?

Matt: It’s not personal. Well, it is, but not for baseball reasons. We just want to be the best team owned by guys born on August 8th.

MD: Interesting. Say, what did you do to celebrate the Cubs first night game on 8/8/88?

Mike: How old do you think we are? We’re not ancient! We weren’t even born when lights went on at Wrigley.

MD: Alright young men, let’s move to your future. What are your career aspirations?

Mike: Career aspirations? We’re focused on running the best CFCL team ever! We’re off to a slow start, but this is a marathon, not a sprint. My career is GM. Don’t print that though, Mom and Dad are spending a boatload of money sending me to college. They think I’m going to be an engineer.

MD: No problem, this is off the record.

Matt: Co-GM brother. That’s where my head is at. That and being the biggest fan of the World Champion Chicago Cubs, baby!

Mike: Man, you talk about a marathon. Good luck with that.

MD: In closing, is there anything else you would like to share with your fellow owners?

Mike: You mean like Matt sucked his thumb until high school? Or is that too personal? All these “ladies” he talks about? They don’t arrive at our house in their cars; they show up wrapped in unmarked, plain brown boxes if you get my drift.

Matt: Really? Maybe the CFCL would like to know about your obsession with Dora the Explorer. Every morning before class this knucklehead yells at the TV “Dora, you’re magnifico!” That and he still makes our mom blow kisses on his Lucky Charms when she pours them into his Calvin & Hobbes breakfast bowl.

MD: Thank you, gentlemen. This has really been a pleasure.