Dear Theo

Dear Mr. Epstein –

First of all I would like to congratulate you on becoming the President in Charge of All Things Baseball for the Chicago National League Ballclub. Also, welcome to the Second City which we are all convinced you will turn in to the First City to Win a World Series in 104 Years.

I have to say I was thoroughly impressed with your press conference and the multiple radio interviews you did in your first two days on the job. Dealing with the media isn’t easy and, as in most cities, there are radio personalities that like to show how clever they are by making sophomoric statements and trying to put their interviewee in an embarrassing position. Since you’re new to Chicago you don’t know who those mental midgets are yet and I have to say you handled each interview I heard with an engaging approach without lowering yourself to their pathetic standards.

If the reports are to be believed, the way you handle your staff and build rapport is amazing as well. Taking everyone to lunch and asking them to sing their alma mater’s fight song was genius. Follow that up with a little “Two Truths and a Lie” and I would imagine by the time the check came around, everyone must have felt like they were part of a cohesive World Series making machine.

This leads me to the point of my letter. Currently I have a career, a wife and four wonderful children, so I’m not looking to make a career change or tie up more of the hours in my day. However after hearing you talk about your focus, your plan for the future, your systematic approach to change the culture and build a brighter future at Clark and Addison, I can’t help myself. I’m in. Not “All In” mind you because then I would be looking for work in 2011 on the South Side. But I’m “everything in”.

While I will admit my shortcomings – never having played baseball at an advanced level, never being part of a major or minor league organization in an administrative level, I would like to point out that I have successfully run a fantasy baseball team for 28 years. And by successfully I mean I’ve won two titles in 28 years which is more than your predecessors can say. I have to believe that you could use a devout, hard-working, loyal Cub fan to take some of the responsibilities off the rest of your staff. Surely there are pencils to be sharpened, or logos that need to be colored in on the letterhead.

I’ll even start from the bottom and valet park the VIP cars. Anything just to be part of your team. Ooh! Here's an idea. Pat Hughes. Following your Bill Walsh model, Hughes has been running on fumes for the last four or five years. You want to put your stamp in the manager's chair, how about the broadcast booth as well? Stamp me there! Signed, sealed delivered, I'm yours.

All I ask is that there not be any staff events that include the family. My wife thinks you’re hot. Not Tony Romo hot, but hot none the less. I don’t need the additional stress.

Thanks in advance for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Rich Bentel

That Just Gripes My Cookies

Major Frank Burns, in a moment of frustration with Army life or perhaps due to bunking with Hawkeye and BJ uttered the immortal and hilarious words “That really gripes my cookies.” This one’s for you, Ol’ Ferret Face.

Pat Hughes taking the 5^th inning off.

Any commercial by ESPN’s Colin Cowherd. Leave Gert alone!

Tom Waddle complaining about how tired he is after working the weekend in LA and then flying to Chicago to do his on-air job at ESPN. Buddy, you’re the one who chose to have two jobs that require being in two different states during the same week.

People with a sense of entitlement.

My cheerleading daughter wearing an article of clothing called a spanky. Dude, that’s my daughter you’re talking about.

Morons who have to talk on their cell phones WHILE THEY’RE BACKING OUT OF A PARKING STALL!!

Advice or information that is dismissed out of hand when provided by a parent but accepted as Gospel when offered by a teacher or coach.

Darren Jackson’s condescending delivery of play-by-play or analysis. Yes, you have 2629 more Major League At Bats than 99.9% of the world but your baseball resume does not support your arrogance.

Anything spoken by Mike Greenberg or Mike Golic. Boy this is becoming ESPN heavy – I need to diversify my life a bit.

More than seven consecutive days of 80+ degree temperatures in Chicago and the Cubs won’t play their next game at Wrigley until April, 2012. #Wastedopportunity.

Using the Express Checkout line at the grocery store and experiencing either A) a customer who apparently failed the mathematical challenge of counting to 20 in grammar school, or B) the customer who is taken by surprise that once all their items have been scanned some sort of payment is required.

Joe Posnanski is just so damn good. I post things to the Monroe Doctrine for fun. But I try to take it seriously and do it well. Shoot I was on the Sports Staff of the award winning school newspaper (The Trapeze) in high school, so the resume is there. But then I read the blogs posted by Posnanski and understand the difference between what good is and what I post here. If you haven’t found his site, do yourself a favor. Visit joeposnanski.blogspot.com and enjoy. Thanks to the Killers for finding this site and passing it along.

Souring Sweetness

Well now Jeff Pearlman has gone and done it. He’s sullied the pristine image of a Chicago sports legend, possibly the greatest player in NFL history.

No one seemed to mind when he was the author of a revealing article in Sports Illustrated about John Rocker. Everyone hated Rocker and thought Pearlman had a lot of guts to report it.

When you ignore all the facts and don’t report all sides of the story you are doing a disservice to your subject and insulting the public who will be reading your work. It’s the same as going to a sporting event your child is involved in and telling them they were the best out of everyone on the field while completely ignoring the six errors or own goal or personal foul or whatever. There is nothing wrong with praising (which Pearlman did for over 400 pages) while tactfully pointing out the mistakes (which Pearlman did for 20 pages). If we are to believe Pearlman, that he set out to write a biography on Payton, then it is journalistic responsibility to write what he learns. How he chooses to represent that information, embellish or not, will determine whether he did a hack job or was an honest reporter.

Mike Ditka did not take kindly to the excerpt that was released in SI. Ditka’s reaction was typical in many ways. He was defending a player he loved and respected. He over-reacted in his reaction like he always did as a head coach. And he offered a threat (spitting on Pearlman) which while childish and idiotic can also be emblematic of Ditka .

I have read the SI excerpt. I have not read the entire book simply because I don’t have the book. Is it disturbing to read that one of our icons, our heroes was flawed? Sure, especially Walter since he seemed so perfect. But there’s nothing wrong with someone deciding to write a complete biography and then doing just that. If Pearlman wanted to make it salacious, I suspect the pages ratio (400:20) would have been reversed. While everyone wants to go after Pearlman, let’s keep in mind he didn’t make up the quotes. People who worked with Payton for years and years and years provided the information that has become so igniting. Why is it the public and media isn’t calling for the heads of Payton’s former personal aide, lawyer and financial representative?

I understand that the main complaint (other than the fact that Pearlman aired Payton’s dirty laundry) is that Walter isn’t here to defend himself. Well neither is John Kennedy or Marilyn Monroe. I suspect the difference in our minds between Kennedy and Payton is that Payton was ours. We knew him. He was Chicago. That doesn’t mean, however, that he is above having his story, his whole story told.

Had this been a book about Sammy Sosa with the same allegations, no one would be in an uproar. And it wouldn’t be because Sammy is here to defend himself. The overwhelming feeling would be “I knew Sosa was a jerk, here’s proof.” Payton wasn’t a jerk. He was an amazing athlete with real human flaws. Aside from being the world class athlete, he was no different from any one of us.