The Greatest Christmas Present Ever!

There was some discussion that by writing the following Monroe Doctrine it could absolutely prove the Geek Factor in us. But in all honesty, that ship has already sailed. Many of you reading this have met my cousin Matt and me, our pictures have been on the CFCL Front Office website for years and if any of you have walked away from an interaction with either one of us without screaming “GEEK!” in your head, well you’re just not a good judge of character.

So with that being said, let me introduce you to, perhaps, the greatest game of all time. Allow me to rephrase, I mean – THE GREATEST GAME OF ALL TIME!! It is based tightly on Rotisserie Baseball, with a twist. In Rotisserie, or fantasy baseball, you select 23 players from the National or American League and count their stats from the current baseball year and compare those stats to the other fantasy teams. In an effort to get through the doldrums of the off-season, Matt and I usually come up with some form of entertainment. Sometimes we’ll have trivia contests. Other times we’ve each come up with our Chicago Sports Mount Rushmore and then compared our lists. This year Matt came up with, simply - brilliance.

We have just concluded a Chicago Cubs Fantasy Baseball Draft. Before I explain the rules, let me stress the importance of playing this game with someone you can trust implicitly. If there is no trust, this game does not work. Here’s how we played. We agreed on a set timeframe (1975-present) of Cub teams to select from. We chose 1975 as the starting point because that’s as far back as both of us could easily recall watching the Cubs play. Matt could have gone back as far as 1967 because, well, he’s old.

You would think drafting from 37 seasons would leave A TON of potential draft candidates. That’s sort of true, but the reality is twofold. First, drafting a guy like Sandberg, Grace or Dawson eliminates about six to ten seasons of drafting a secondbaseman, firstbaseman or one of the outfield slots because those guys were there year after year. Secondly, during the late ‘70s, early ‘80s and parts of the ‘90s the Cubs basically sucked and didn’t have many guys worth drafting. You only have to read the names Chuck Rainey and Dickie Noles once to realize that era wasn’t blossoming with talent.

We then constructed our teams that comprised the following positions: 2 catchers, 1 firstbaseman, 1 thirdbaseman, 1 first or thirdbaseman, 1 shortstop, 1 secondbaseman, 1 shortstop or secondbaseman, five outfielders, 1 utility spot (could be a position player or pitcher) and nine pitchers.

We graded our teams on Total Bases, Runs, RBIs, Stolen Bases, OBP, Wins, Saves, ERA, WHiP and K/BB.

In our preliminary discussions we had talked about putting together our “favorite” players on a CFCL team. The competition bug in each of us quickly kicked in as we picked players primarily for their production and secondarily for the “love” factor.

Here’s where it gets fun. We selected a player alternate draft style (first Matt, then me, then Matt, then me). Once the player was selected he was off the board. Below are the complete rosters we drafted. The numbers following the player’s name represents the round in which they were drafted and the season of stats that were used. During the draft we were not allowed to look up any stats. We had to completely rely on our memories. THIS IS WHERE THE IMPLICIT TRUST COMES IN. We could look up the Cubs roster for a given year and we could look up a player’s position eligibility (in order for the player to qualify at a position he had to play at least 20 games during the selected season).

Example: Matt selected Ryne Sandberg with his first pick. Sandberg is off the board. Matt could put him at thirdbase and use Sandberg’s stats from 1982 or put him at secondbase and use stats from any year Sandberg played for the Cubs. Matt did not declare which year he was using of Sandberg’s until the draft was completed. So in competing against Matt, I had to consider if he was going to use Sandberg’s 1984 MVP stats, the stats from 1990 when Sandberg hit 40 homeruns or the stats from the years when Sandberg was stealing in excess of 40 bases. During the draft Matt could not look up Sandberg’s stats, even though he had Sandberg because that would obviously influence his subsequent picks.

One other rule in drafting a player, you could only use the stats from a year in which the player played for the Cubs. Matt also selected Greg Maddux. Matt could not use Maddux’s stats from any Atlanta years; only when Maddux played in Chicago. If there was a year where the player split time with teams (Rick Sutcliffe in 1984) I could only select the stats from the time Sutcliffe pitched for the Cubs that year, not combine the stats from Cleveland and the Cubs.

• Side note for you loopholers: Fergie Jenkins could have been selected since he pitched for the Cubs in 1980 and 1981. But his stats could not be used from the late ‘60s/early 70’s since that was before our parameters. I know some of you would figure that out and say his 20+ wins from the seasons in the ‘60s should count.

For added pleasure (or torture) we decided that since we’re trying to waste as much of winter as possible, one person would draft one player per day. Example: Matt would draft on Monday (deadline midnight Monday night). I would draft a player on Tuesday. Matt would draft on Wednesday and so on. Twenty-three players per team equals 46 days. We started this the day after the World Series ended and completed our draft fourteen days before Christmas. You talk about agony and anticipation.

Then to further our fun, Matt came up with the idea that since the draft ended on Monday, December 12th, we would take until Thursday night, December 15th to submit our pitching years for scoring. We would score that, see who’s leading at the “halfway mark” and then submit our offense years by Thursday, December 22nd and reveal the scoring on Friday the 23rd or Saturday the 24th. Our very own Baseball Christmas Gift to each other. Turns out we didn’t wait until the end of the week. What we noticed is that most of the players had a “Signature Season”, so while they may have put up good numbers over several years, there was that one season that stood above all others. There were only about six or so total players that we really had to deliberate on. Because of that, the business of the week before Christmas and, dammit we wanted to know who won, we submitted our offensive year selections to each other last Sunday night (December 18th).

The draft started pretty much as expected with Sandberg and Dawson going first. Then in the next few rounds we had a run on 20 game winners. Matt built a phenomenal infield while I jumped around filling an infield spot, catcher, outfield and pitchers.

After every pick there would be the typical “Hey nice grab!” comments until the 20th round. That will be forever known as The Bill Madlock Debacle in winter drafting circles. The DoorMatts had completely filled their infield, needing only a Catcher, 2 Pitchers and the all important Utility spot. I was certain Matt would focus on pitching, relief pitching specifically. But Matt would have none of it. He looked over available players and said “Why is Bill Madlock still available? He’d be a great fit at Utility.” I, at the time, needed 3B, OF and 2 Pitchers. Why hadn’t I taken Madlock sooner? “BECAUSE MATT DIDN’T NEED A DAMN THIRDBASEMAN!!!” I was heard to yell into a voicemail. Trying to play it fast and loose, I left my CI and 3B slot open for the majority of the draft because Matt filled his corner slots early (4th, 5th and 13th rounds). “No need to fill those spots on my team if Matt already has those positions filled”, I rationalized. But the dreaded Utility spot came up and bit me in the netherworld.

Here is a complete roster for each.

MATT
Geovany Soto (16) – 2008
Michael Barrett (22) – 2004
Derrek Lee (4) – 2005
Mark Grace (13) – 1998
Aramis Ramirez (5) – 2004
Ryne Sandberg (1) – 1990
Mark Bellhorn (19) – 2002
Alex Gonzalez (15) – 2002
Bill Madlock (20) – 1976
Keith Moreland (8) – 1985
Henry Rodriguez (9) – 1999
Jerome Walton (10) – 1989
Juan Pierre (12) – 2006
Gary Matthews (17) – 1984
Greg Maddux (2) – 1992
Mark Prior (3) – 2003
Mike Bielecki (7) – 1989
Ted Lilly (11) – 2008
Ryan Dempster (18) – 2005
Carlos Zambrano (23) – 2004
Carlos Marmol (21) – 2010
Mitch Williams (14) – 1989
Rod Beck (6) – 1998

RICH
Jody Davis (4) - 1984
Rick Wilkins (16) - 1993
Carlos Pena (15) - 2011
Bill Buckner (19) - 1982
Ron Cey (22) - 1983
Mark DeRosa (14) - 2008
Ivan DeJesus (11) - 1978
Starlin Castro (3) - 2011
Leon Durham (18) - 1982
Andre Dawson (1) - 1987
Moises Alou (6) - 2004
Rick Monday (9) - 1976
Alfonso Soriano (12) - 2007
Bob Dernier (20) - 1984
Rick Reuschel (2) - 1977
Jon Lieber (5) - 2001
Rick Sutcliffe (10) - 1984
Kerry Wood (17) - 2008
Ray Burris (21) - 1976
Joe Borowski (23) - 2003
Bruce Sutter (13) - 1977
Lee Smith (8) - 1983
Randy Myers (7) - 1993


The final standings played out thusly:

MATT
TOTAL BASES 3673
RUNS 1158
RBIs 1112
STOLEN BASES 185
OBP .37062
WINS 103
SAVES 158
ERA 2.8749
WHiP 1.2047
K:BB 2.5780

RICH
TOTAL BASES 3766
RUNS 1247
RBIs 1142
STOLEN BASES 204
OBP .35115
WINS 91
SAVES 181
ERA 2.8433
WHiP 1.1464
K:BB 2.9544

**Disclaimer – While it doesn’t look like much of a horse race (8 categories to 2), it was MUCH closer than it appears. Had I selected different pitching years and Matt done the same it would have been a 3-2 or 2-3 split. Had Matt sacrificed a little OBP and tried to garner some extra RBIs, this could easily have ended 5-5 or 6-4 in his favor. We both have agreed that while having bragging rights over each other is nice, the journey was so much more valuable than the destination.

The drawback to this game, the only drawback (aside from watching your cousin, who is more like a brother to you, steal Bill Madlock?) is that there’s only two weeks to go until Winter Waivers. Not much time to prepare.

Unfortunately it’s too close to Christmas (seven days) to be able to box this up and have it delivered in time to put under your tree. So, forgoing what is surely millions in sales and copyright renewals, we are saying in this Season of Giving – take and enjoy. You will never have this much fun again.

Angels We Have Heard On High

The California Angels of Anaheim Orange County have reportedly signed Alfonso Soriano – check that, Albert Pujols – to a ten year $250 million contract. All I can say is did Arte Moreno ever hear the phrase “Those that don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it”?

Pujols is 32 (at least that’s as many years as he’s willing to admit to). Last season he had his “worst” production of his career. Thirty-two homeruns, 99 RBIs and a .299 batting average. Certainly awesome numbers for 99.6% of all baseball players, but not what you expect out of Pujols. So the Angels had to evaluate:

• Whether last year was an aberration or the beginning of the end for Pujols’ stellar production;
• Whether Pujols is 32 or 33 or 37;
• Whether Pujols could maintain his production until age 42 (or 43 or 47)

Apparently they decided on the more positive side of all those points.

While I am a Cubs fan, I am not the brain-dead Cubs fan that says “The Cardinals organization and all its players all suck because . . . they’re Cardinals.” I respect the success that both the Cardinals and Pujols have achieved. Having said that, I am THRILLED that if Pujols didn’t go back to the Cards he went somewhere other than Clark and Addison. Not that I don’t think Pujols is a good player. He is. I just don’t think he’ll be a good player (worth $25million) in 10 years. We’ve seen Soriano not be able to last eight years successfully.

Moments after Pujols was signed, the Angels dropped another $77.5 million over five years for overrated and post-season bust CJ Wilson. Again let me say, as a Cubs fan, thank you for our Christmas present.

In the Age of Theo we don’t know what to expect as he hasn’t made a “splash” getting players yet. He has said he won’t pay for players on the downside of their careers or go extremely long-term either. So far he’s held firm in the approach. I guess I’m still having my Hendry feelings come up where I could be sufficiently concerned that Pujols would have come here with a 12 year NO TRADE deal.

This off-season, with Pujols, Wilson and catcher Chris Iannetta, the Angels have screamed from the mountaintops that they will NOT be ignored. On paper they have improved. On the field, they most likely have improved for the next year or two. It will be the 3-7 years after that that will be interesting.

Stop Saying It - Just Do It

There’s a saying out there to the effect “I may not agree with what you have to say, but I will fight to the death for your right to say it.”

I first heard Bob Collins (late of WGN Radio) say that. Dave Kaplan stole it from him and recently I’ve heard Tom Waddle make the same comment. What a load of crap. The sentiment is great if Thomas Jefferson or Nathan Hale were the ones to say those words. It smacks of “I regret that I have but one life to give for my country.”

But in this day and age, I cannot envision any of the above three media members (or anyone for that matter) being willing to give up their life in the defense of letting someone else voice their opinion. It’s bravado. It’s male locker room talk. I’ve thought this for years, from the first time (over a decade ago) that I heard Collins make that comment on WGN. The minute I heard it, I thought “Wow, that was powerful. Hey wait a minute! You wouldn’t lay down your life simply so a guy you’re arguing with could continue voicing a dissenting opinion!”

I’m even more convinced after the Penn State carnage. We have heard evidence of countless “men” seeing first hand evidence of young boys being raped and assaulted and not one of them didn’t anything to physically intervene. A couple of these guys passed the information up the chain of command and then hid in the shadows like cowards.

We’re not talking about defending someone to the death over the right to speak. We’re talking about innocent children being horribly attacked and no one, NO ONE, stepped in to remove them from the situation. The guys that saw this happen were not in danger of losing their lives. They probably weren’t even in danger of getting a black eye. A recently graduated football player and a wrestling coach came upon Sandusky being inappropriate with an innocent young boy. The football player and wrestling coach, I would think, were physically superior to Sandusky and could have easily removed the child from the situation. Instead they turned and left and eventually reported what they saw to their superior.

Too often we have people make statements “If that were to happen to me I would (insert major bravado here)” when you know full well it’s all a bunch of hot air. And that’s fine. So you wouldn’t actually tell the boss to take this job and shove it the next time you’re asked to stay late. You wouldn’t jump out of your car and yell at the moron texting that almost hit you in a parking lot. Who cares? Puff up your chest now and avoid conflict later.

But how can anyone see a little boy being raped or handled in a way that is inappropriate and walk away? It’s time to simply “do” instead of saying what we would do.

I Think I've Had Enough

The most overused phrase in America since Paris Hilton trademarked “That’s hot!” is “I think”.

Not only is it the most overused phrase, it is also the most redundant. I hate to do this to you, but listen, really listen to sports talk (or political talk shows for that matter) and the blowhards that host and are guests. Every other word (almost literally) is “I think”. Pretty soon that is all you will hear them say. Like I said, I’m sorry to do this to you.

*Side note. My cousin Matt and I often complain to each other about the insidiousness of Pat Hughes. Matt doesn’t care for Pat’s condescending attitude and stupid phrases (St. Loo and pop-fly come to mind). My gripe, initially, was Hughes’ sing-song delivery. Matt said he never noticed it but once I brought it up, that’s all Matt hears.

I didn’t major in English, but it seems to me that unless you make a statement and have sources to cite, then anything that comes out of your mouth is what you think. Oh sure, you can say “The Bears are 4-3” and not reference the standings at NFL.com or the Chicago Tribune, but that’s because everyone who follows football knows the Bears’ record. We saw it happen.

But if some so-called expert says “Albert Pujols is the greatest player in baseball history” or “Pujols had the greatest World Series performance in Game 3”, it’s redundant to say “I think” before those two phrases. And most times the people you listen to won’t simply say “I think Pujols is the greatest player in baseball history” they will phrase it thusly:

“I think Albert Pujols is, I think, the greatest player and I think he’s the greatest in baseball history.” “I think” has become a tortuously stupid crutch phrase. Much like “like” and “um” and “you know” has.

When you are communicating, it’s okay to have silence when you’re moving on to your next point. Saying “um” or “you know” doesn’t enhance the experience.

*Side note #2 – As a child, my sister and I used to tease our mom about her use of “you know”. One time while she was on the phone we listened to her talk for five minutes and counted 47 “you know”s. I kid you not.

Personally I think (look what I did right there) it’s due to the self-indulgent generation* we live in. First of all, A LOT of people like the sound of their own voice. Additionally there seems to be an abundance of love for self-attention, so by saying “I think” every other word or sentence, you get to deflect the conversation back to yourself endlessly.

*Look at the wide receivers scoring a touchdown. Are they handing the ball to the official ala Walter Payton or Barry Sanders? No. They are creating more and more elaborate dances and celebrations for a first quarter touchdown. Are baseball players calmly running around the bases after a homerun? Some are, many are not. They are pointing to the sky because obviously their deceased relative or higher being was the reason the home run was hit. They hop on homeplate and give exuberant high fives because their blast brought their club back to trail by only six.

Maybe it’s because there isn’t enough genuine conversation going on anymore and people feel they only way they’ll be heard is by doing all the talking and redirecting everything back to themselves.

A sage man (Twain?) once said that we were given two ears and one mouth and we should use them in that proportion. Of course, all of the above is without scientific evidence – it’s only what I think.

Dear Theo

Dear Mr. Epstein –

First of all I would like to congratulate you on becoming the President in Charge of All Things Baseball for the Chicago National League Ballclub. Also, welcome to the Second City which we are all convinced you will turn in to the First City to Win a World Series in 104 Years.

I have to say I was thoroughly impressed with your press conference and the multiple radio interviews you did in your first two days on the job. Dealing with the media isn’t easy and, as in most cities, there are radio personalities that like to show how clever they are by making sophomoric statements and trying to put their interviewee in an embarrassing position. Since you’re new to Chicago you don’t know who those mental midgets are yet and I have to say you handled each interview I heard with an engaging approach without lowering yourself to their pathetic standards.

If the reports are to be believed, the way you handle your staff and build rapport is amazing as well. Taking everyone to lunch and asking them to sing their alma mater’s fight song was genius. Follow that up with a little “Two Truths and a Lie” and I would imagine by the time the check came around, everyone must have felt like they were part of a cohesive World Series making machine.

This leads me to the point of my letter. Currently I have a career, a wife and four wonderful children, so I’m not looking to make a career change or tie up more of the hours in my day. However after hearing you talk about your focus, your plan for the future, your systematic approach to change the culture and build a brighter future at Clark and Addison, I can’t help myself. I’m in. Not “All In” mind you because then I would be looking for work in 2011 on the South Side. But I’m “everything in”.

While I will admit my shortcomings – never having played baseball at an advanced level, never being part of a major or minor league organization in an administrative level, I would like to point out that I have successfully run a fantasy baseball team for 28 years. And by successfully I mean I’ve won two titles in 28 years which is more than your predecessors can say. I have to believe that you could use a devout, hard-working, loyal Cub fan to take some of the responsibilities off the rest of your staff. Surely there are pencils to be sharpened, or logos that need to be colored in on the letterhead.

I’ll even start from the bottom and valet park the VIP cars. Anything just to be part of your team. Ooh! Here's an idea. Pat Hughes. Following your Bill Walsh model, Hughes has been running on fumes for the last four or five years. You want to put your stamp in the manager's chair, how about the broadcast booth as well? Stamp me there! Signed, sealed delivered, I'm yours.

All I ask is that there not be any staff events that include the family. My wife thinks you’re hot. Not Tony Romo hot, but hot none the less. I don’t need the additional stress.

Thanks in advance for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Rich Bentel

That Just Gripes My Cookies

Major Frank Burns, in a moment of frustration with Army life or perhaps due to bunking with Hawkeye and BJ uttered the immortal and hilarious words “That really gripes my cookies.” This one’s for you, Ol’ Ferret Face.

Pat Hughes taking the 5^th inning off.

Any commercial by ESPN’s Colin Cowherd. Leave Gert alone!

Tom Waddle complaining about how tired he is after working the weekend in LA and then flying to Chicago to do his on-air job at ESPN. Buddy, you’re the one who chose to have two jobs that require being in two different states during the same week.

People with a sense of entitlement.

My cheerleading daughter wearing an article of clothing called a spanky. Dude, that’s my daughter you’re talking about.

Morons who have to talk on their cell phones WHILE THEY’RE BACKING OUT OF A PARKING STALL!!

Advice or information that is dismissed out of hand when provided by a parent but accepted as Gospel when offered by a teacher or coach.

Darren Jackson’s condescending delivery of play-by-play or analysis. Yes, you have 2629 more Major League At Bats than 99.9% of the world but your baseball resume does not support your arrogance.

Anything spoken by Mike Greenberg or Mike Golic. Boy this is becoming ESPN heavy – I need to diversify my life a bit.

More than seven consecutive days of 80+ degree temperatures in Chicago and the Cubs won’t play their next game at Wrigley until April, 2012. #Wastedopportunity.

Using the Express Checkout line at the grocery store and experiencing either A) a customer who apparently failed the mathematical challenge of counting to 20 in grammar school, or B) the customer who is taken by surprise that once all their items have been scanned some sort of payment is required.

Joe Posnanski is just so damn good. I post things to the Monroe Doctrine for fun. But I try to take it seriously and do it well. Shoot I was on the Sports Staff of the award winning school newspaper (The Trapeze) in high school, so the resume is there. But then I read the blogs posted by Posnanski and understand the difference between what good is and what I post here. If you haven’t found his site, do yourself a favor. Visit joeposnanski.blogspot.com and enjoy. Thanks to the Killers for finding this site and passing it along.

Souring Sweetness

Well now Jeff Pearlman has gone and done it. He’s sullied the pristine image of a Chicago sports legend, possibly the greatest player in NFL history.

No one seemed to mind when he was the author of a revealing article in Sports Illustrated about John Rocker. Everyone hated Rocker and thought Pearlman had a lot of guts to report it.

When you ignore all the facts and don’t report all sides of the story you are doing a disservice to your subject and insulting the public who will be reading your work. It’s the same as going to a sporting event your child is involved in and telling them they were the best out of everyone on the field while completely ignoring the six errors or own goal or personal foul or whatever. There is nothing wrong with praising (which Pearlman did for over 400 pages) while tactfully pointing out the mistakes (which Pearlman did for 20 pages). If we are to believe Pearlman, that he set out to write a biography on Payton, then it is journalistic responsibility to write what he learns. How he chooses to represent that information, embellish or not, will determine whether he did a hack job or was an honest reporter.

Mike Ditka did not take kindly to the excerpt that was released in SI. Ditka’s reaction was typical in many ways. He was defending a player he loved and respected. He over-reacted in his reaction like he always did as a head coach. And he offered a threat (spitting on Pearlman) which while childish and idiotic can also be emblematic of Ditka .

I have read the SI excerpt. I have not read the entire book simply because I don’t have the book. Is it disturbing to read that one of our icons, our heroes was flawed? Sure, especially Walter since he seemed so perfect. But there’s nothing wrong with someone deciding to write a complete biography and then doing just that. If Pearlman wanted to make it salacious, I suspect the pages ratio (400:20) would have been reversed. While everyone wants to go after Pearlman, let’s keep in mind he didn’t make up the quotes. People who worked with Payton for years and years and years provided the information that has become so igniting. Why is it the public and media isn’t calling for the heads of Payton’s former personal aide, lawyer and financial representative?

I understand that the main complaint (other than the fact that Pearlman aired Payton’s dirty laundry) is that Walter isn’t here to defend himself. Well neither is John Kennedy or Marilyn Monroe. I suspect the difference in our minds between Kennedy and Payton is that Payton was ours. We knew him. He was Chicago. That doesn’t mean, however, that he is above having his story, his whole story told.

Had this been a book about Sammy Sosa with the same allegations, no one would be in an uproar. And it wouldn’t be because Sammy is here to defend himself. The overwhelming feeling would be “I knew Sosa was a jerk, here’s proof.” Payton wasn’t a jerk. He was an amazing athlete with real human flaws. Aside from being the world class athlete, he was no different from any one of us.

Say It Right

Some catch phrases, or shortcuts, in sports - particularly baseball - are annoying. Why do we as a society feel the need to come up with a new phrase and then beat it into the ground until it’s just so many nails on a chalkboard? “Like” sound familiar? “I know, right?” “Really?”

Ryan Dempster takes the bump. “The bump” is just a horrible, lazy phrase. It conjures up nightmarish images thanks to TMZ and tabloid magazines. “Jennifer Garner shows off her baby bump”. That’s a pejorative expression of the miracle of the birth process. But it fits a headline and makes a stupid sound bite. Ryan Dempster is pitching, is on the hill, takes the mound, faces the Reds . . . all good phrases.

Base knock – It’s a base hit folks. Or a single. Or if you want to go Old School, a safety – but let’s not get carried away. Base knock makes no sense.

There is nothing wrong with saying a team’s home town completely. Shortening it to: St. Loo, Beantown, Beer Town (That’s Milwaukee, but St. Louis brews beer and Coors comes from Colorado) is just irritating. I can live with City by the Bay, but other than that, just say the name of the city.

Pop fly – A batter either hits a pop-up or a flyball. If an infielder catches the ball it’s a pop-up. If an outfielder gets it, it’s a flyball. There’s no reason to create a hybrid. I can trace the origin of this phrase to two possible sources, both local. Pat Hughes uses it constantly. That’s probably because he’s stupid. If it was around before Hughes came to Chicago then I blame Shawon Dunston. He would range out into the outfield and take away flyballs from the outfielders. Gary Matthews would have had 200 more putouts in his career if someone else had played shortstop.

Rake – if you’re not intimately involved in the business, don’t use the terminology. It’s like trying to spell something, say “about”, and using the terms Alpha, Bravo, Omega . . if you’re not in the military you just sound stupid. Of course Dave Otto was intimately in the business and he can’t pull it off either. Rake should only be used in the dugout among baseball players.

No-No – It refers to a pitcher throwing a no-hitter. The problem is that it sounds like the announcer is scolding a two year old. “We have a no-no!” Plus the fact there’s no reason to say “no” twice. The No refers to hits. No reason to say no-no. It’s not referring to hits and runs as there have been pitchers in major league history to throw a no-hitter and lose the game because the winning run was score via error, walk, fielder’s choice, sac fly or some combination thereof. Again, like “the bump”, it’s a sophomoric way to express something.

Oh, and one more baseball statement that isn’t a pain, just amazingly accurate. Every team will win 60, every team will lose 60, it’s what you do with the remaining 42 that determines your season. Think about that. Six months of baseball, free agent signings, trades and it all comes down to 42 games. True to form, this season every team in the Major League has lost at least 60 and won at least 60 (save the Houston Astros). The Cubs chose to win just eleven of their 42 games.

Generally Managing An Opportunity

This off-season should be one of the most interesting in recent Cubs history. They are in need of a General Manager and the understanding is that the position will be filled by late October/early November. There are some interesting reports as to the potential candidates for the job. The media has tossed out names like Cashman, Epstein, and Andrew Friedman.

Even the esteemed Buster Olney has claimed the Chicago Cub General Manager position to be the Crown Jewel; the best, most attractive opening in baseball in the last ten years. As an unabashed, lifelong Cubs fan – my Cub flag waving, “Go Cubs Go” Singing, Andre Dawson Salam Genuflecting self has to say “Huh?”

The only upside I see to Cashman or Epstein or any other top GM coming over here is they have a chance to be THE GUY (or in Epstein’s case THE GUY – THE SEQUEL) in baseball history. While that is alluring, it hasn’t been done in 104 years. Hasn’t been done in triple digits. Other than that, at this point, where is the attraction?

You have Soriano ($18 million) on the books until he’s seventy. The Cubs haven’t formally agreed to eat and dispose of Zambrano’s $18 million contract. You have an owner that has said that while he will commit the same amount of operational dollars to the organization, the money will be restructured. So instead of having $140 million go to the major league payroll, they may only spend $110 million on the major league payroll with the extra $30 million being redirected to scouting, farm team development and/or Pacific Rim or Latin America development. All this, by the way, is a really intelligent way to run a business. However if you’re trying to attract a top GM who may not be willing to wait three or four years to see playoff/World Series results, it may be a hard sell. The Cubs are not in a “Win Now” mode.

Additionally, money is going to be spent on Hendry to pay him for next year. Most likely money will be spent on Quade to have him sit around (unless he accepts another position within the organization) AND money will be spent on a new manager, unless for some reason the new GM agrees to keep Quade on for next year while they wait for Zambrano and Ramirez’s contracts to expire and then in 2013 go forward with available money and a new manager. So that’s more dollars that won’t be going to on-the-field payroll.

Add to that a minor league system that sports Brett Jackson and the still young Josh Vitters and that’s about it. This year being a washout we had the opportunity to see what Bryan LaHair, Tony Compana and Tyler Colvin could do, but instead we have a healthy view of the capabilities of the late Kosuke Fukudome, Marlon Byrd and Alfonso Soriano. There are some additional interesting pieces (Matt Szczur, Chris Carpenter, Trey McNutt and Jay Jackson), but not the overwhelming amount of talent that would make a top line GM salivate.

God knows I’ve never run a major league franchise and from looking at the CFCL standings for the past decade, I don’t know how to run a fantasy team either. Aside from the allure of being the guy that puts all the curses to bed and being able to work in the greatest city in the world, I don’t see what makes the Chicago Cubs GM position all that attractive for the proven GMs. That being said, Mr. Ricketts, if you can’t lure Cashman, Epstein, et. al. know that my hat is in the ring. Twenty-eight year General Manager experience; two more championships during that time than the Cubs have managed; an eye for acquiring talented youth (Castro, Heyward, Brown, Stanton) and, yes, I have plenty of experience and talent to make a bad trade (Andrew McCutchen). Call me, Tom. We’ll do lunch.

Can I Get a Little Help?

Chicago needs to improve. There is too much stupidity and entitlement going around.

I'm talking about Lance Briggs. Dude, you signed a six year deal. That means you abide by the terms of the contract for six years. You haven’t outplayed your compensation. When the Bears signed you (after you said you wouldn’t play anymore for the Bears, by the way) they expected you to play to your full capabilities, which with your talent means being an All-Pro. They didn’t sign you with the intention you would be mediocre for six years. If you’re pissed that your contemporaries make more, what did you think? Other NFL players would sign contracts worth less than yours for the next six years?

I’m talking about the idiot media and talking heads of TV and Radio. When it was learned that Ozzie Guillen wanted an extension on his contract, which expires at the end of the 2012 season (oh, by the way, Ozzie? See Lance Briggs.) these media geniuses were saying it made sense because Ozzie is a lame duck. No he isn’t. You’re a lame duck when there is no possible way the term for your position can be extended. Jim Hendry was a lame duck for a month, although only he and Ricketts knew it. George W. Bush and Bill Clinton were lame ducks, essentially once they were re-elected to office, but certainly as they entered the eighth year of their administration. Randy Bush, while not officially since he’s still in the position and could be signed for next year is about as lame a duck as you can be without being one. Ozzie still has a full season and a month on his contract. And if he, Kenny and Jerry could play nice, it’s possible he could have a lifetime contract which means he’s not a lame duck.

I’m talking about Cub Manager Mike Quade. Mike, I was your biggest supporter after the 2010 season before a “new” manager was named (really, check the Monroe Doctrine on September 20, 2010. You were my dark horse favorite). I was in agreement with the Cubs for hiring you for the 2011 and 2012 seasons because, in part, you promised you would hold players accountable and focus on the fundamentals. Well for the 2011 season the fundamentals have sucked and all you’ve done is throw your weight around at Castro, Barney and Colvin. Ramirez loafs his way to first and he keeps getting his name put on the lineup card. Soriano goes after fly balls near the leftfield wall like water goes after oil and he’s in the lineup every day. Either hold players accountable and execute the fundamentals like you promised or move on.

I’m talking about Pat Hughes. He has to go. He has negotiated into his contract that he gets the fifth inning off of every game, including spring training, (as the knowledgeable owner of the DoorMatts quipped “Could you see Vin Scully doing that?”). Additionally he has had at least two scheduled days off this season. The tone in his voice when a game goes extra innings or the temperature is above 89 degrees or below 65 is one of “I can’t believe I have to work in these conditions.” Pat, you work for the Cubs. That means virtually every year you don’t have to work from October 1^st to April 1^st as it is. You get paid to go to spring training to watch baseball – something thousands of Chicagoans do every year, yet they pay for the opportunity. Either commit yourself to the game (not dumbass stories about Gilligan’s Island or what you packed for the road trip) or, preferably, move on.

I’m talking about the Cubs. They need starting pitching. Matt Garza is ok as a #2 or #3. I can live with Wells in the 4^th or 5^th slot. I don’t mind Dempster in 3^rd or 4^th slot. We need two starters. No, we need TWO STARTERS. Andrew Cashner could be one of those guys, but not until at least 2013. He’s been injured all year so you can’t expect him to shoulder much of a load next year (remember Mark Prior in 2003?) Doug Davis, Rodrigo Lopez and Casey Coleman are not options for next year.

I’m talking about the Cubs approach to the second half of the 2011 season. You guys suck this year. You’ll be lucky to finish ahead of the Astros by giving your all. So at the end of the season you will be 25 games out of first, sitting in fourth place and have no idea what Tony Campana can do beside run really fast. No idea if Tyler Colvin is Tyler Colvin 2010, Tyler Colvin 2011 or some variation. You have no idea what Bryan LaHair is besides 28 years old. This team was dead in June and has wasted three months doing nothing besides finally, finally ridding itself of Carlos Zambrano.

Oh, and a General Manger. We need one of those too.

We have a lot of work to do. A lot of changes are coming in the off-season. But as bad as things are here in Chicago, at least we’re not Los Angeles (no NFL franchise, fans literally almost beating another team’s fan to death, bankrupt team, smog and the Real Housewives of Orange County). At least we don’t have that going for us. Which is nice.

On The Road Looking For Sports and Competition

Lady Rebel planned our family vacation (for the third year in a row) during the MLB and CFCL trade deadlines, thereby trying to undermine the efforts of Rebel management to build a championship team. I’m not usually the carpenter blaming the tools, but three years in a row? C’mon. That being said, we were able to experience plenty of examples of sports and competition during our week away.

We stopped for dinner at Cracker Barrel on the way to Florida. We took turns engaging in fierce games of checkers in rocking chairs on their “front porch”. Katelyn couldn’t decide between two items on the menu. I suggested going with the local fare (open faced roast beef with gravy – she loved it). Sadly Indiana is not real friendly whether we were at gas stations or Cracker Barrel.

Because of the strategic timing, the Rebel front office completed their first ever trade via text. While I was driving, I dictated to the Lady Rebel what to text back to the Ruffins to complete the trade. The texts flew back and forth with the Ruffins to finalize Hiroki Kuroda, Eli Whiteside and the Rebels 10^th round pick for Rubby De La Rosa. Word came from Rebels Headquarters that fans were lining up outside Confederate Park awaiting their new cult hero. Rubby is going to sell a lot of jerseys in Fort Payne, Alabama. And immediately following that announcement, the fans with the DeLaRosa jerseys went to Mount Fort Payne Memorial Hospital recovery room to look at Rubby’s new Tommy John surgery scar. Baseball technology gods are not fans of Dem Rebels.

While we were driving through Indiana and Kentucky Sunday night, we listened to Cubs vs. Cardinals on ‘GN. I swear to Hank Aaron I was ready to jump out of the car moving at 70 mph every time I heard Pat Hughes say they were in “St. Loo”. Cubs won every day we were gone. They proceeded to lose the first game we came back into town.

We reached Louisville around 10pm or so which was a real treat. Louisville is a beautiful city, all lit up as you cross the bridge and the Ohio River. Right there is the baseball field for the Louisville Redbirds, also all lit up. Can’t get any better than that.

On our first full day in Florida, we went to Magic Kingdom. While we went on almost every ride and/or attraction, Cooper sadly decided to pick the most boring ride (People Mover in Tomorrowland) as his favorite, wanting to ride it at least five times.

Speaking of competition and sports; I happened to run into Survivor celebrity Russell Hantz (picture above because I'm not technically smart enough to put it here) in Tomorrowland. He has finished second on Survivor two different seasons. The only problem is he is also Kim’s all-time favorite contestant. It was pretty amusing to watch her run to catch up with him to get a picture and shake his hand. Of course, then for the rest of the vacation I had to hear “I can’t believe I met Russell!” All I have to ask is ‘Where the hell was Diane Lane during this week?’

While all this was going on, we missed two Cub wins in Pittsburgh, including Rebel favorite Derrek Lee’s two homeruns and a Cub six homer game. The sacrifices we make for our children.

Two other days we spent at the water park. So Kim and I took turns having races with the girls down the body slides at Typhoon Lagoon. The results were not favorable for the parents.

While we were on the road we also challenged ourselves to see how many different license plates we could tally. Turns out we saw 35 including two Canadian provinces and on plate from Mexico.

Overall it was a good vacation, though I did have people suggest we leave town again until late October to help the Cubs get back in the pennant race. I’ll contribute a week of my life to the cause. The rest is up to Ricketts.

Wrigley Never Felt So Good

Pretty cool experience this past week, even if most of it all took place in my head. I had an appointment to visit with a client. I knew she lived a couple of blocks from Wrigley Field so I decided that if I had time I would have to do a fly-by and check the old girl out (Wrigley, not my client).

I set my GPS for my client’s address and by luck, GPS decided the best way (certainly not the fastest) would be to exit I-90 at Addison. So I’m driving along and when I get on Addison the GPS said “turn left on Sheffield”. My keen baseball acumen kicked in. “Clark/Addison/Sheffield/Waveland”. Addison to Sheffield? I’m going to be turning AT WRIGLEY FIELD!!! No need to work in a fly-by, the satellite gods have programmed it for me!

I’m driving along Addison getting more and more excited in anticipation. All of a sudden, as if out of nowhere, there she is. Tall, beautiful and silent (off day for the Cubs). One second I’m driving past homes on a tree lined street and then all of sudden Wrigley Field – BAM! – appears. Now the memories come flooding back. All the times I took the ‘L’ from Forest Park; all the times I drove down with my family and parked on Irving Park Road (when you could still park on Irving Park Road) or parked in the lot run by the nuns.

Then I’m thinking how special Wrigley Field is and (stupid as it sounds) wanting to get out of the car, touch the walls and tell the passersby “THIS IS WRIGLEY FIELD! Let me tell you how special this place is.” Then it hits me, it’s special to everyone. No one has a unique experience of Wrigley Field and THAT’S what makes it such an amazing place. You saw your first baseball game at Wrigley as a child? I saw my first baseball game at Wrigley as a child. You saw an amazing game at Wrigley? I saw an amazing game at Wrigley. You had a drop-dead gorgeous woman wink at you in the 4^th inning? I had . . . uh, I saw a game at Wrigley. You could go into Murphy’s Bleachers or The Cubby Bear, sit at the bar and strike up a conversation with another Cubs fan and match them story for story about your experiences seeing the Cubs play at Wrigley.

I had to, had to, drive by, not just turning down Sheffield, but circling the park. Driving really slow and having a constant battle at looking at Wrigley, checking my rearview mirror to make sure I wasn’t holding up traffic and checking in front of me to make sure I wasn’t going to run over a pedestrian.

That brings me to something else. I’m driving by, slowly, lovingly and yet I see people walking along the walls of Wrigley, or jogging, or talking on cell phones. It’s all I can do to not jump out of my car and say “DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? HOW CAN YOU NOT STOP IN AWE?”

I pulled out my cell phone and snapped shots of the marquee, the statue of Harry, the statue of Billy and the statue of Ernie and if I were more technology astute I would share them with you here. I turned down Waveland and parked next to the gates down the leftfield line so I could get an angled shot of the scoreboard. I’ve done that a few times over the years, not taken a picture but park by the gates and just stare at the scoreboard. I’ve done it in July, I’ve done it in February. Doesn’t matter the time of year, it’s an awesome view.

So I’ve just risked losing my Man Card by admitting that I get emotional driving past a building. But here’s where I regain my Man Card – because I know every one of you have done the same thing.

The (NL) Future's So Bright, We'll Need To Wear Shades

With the arrival of the All-Star Game, we are reminded of the true stars in the league (and the ones that get to attend the game anyway). It also helped crystallize in my mind the up and coming stars.

The National League (we only cover the Major Leagues here at the Monroe Doctrine) has been inundated with the Under 25 Jet Set.

There is A TON of solid young ballplayers that, barring injury or Joe Charboneau-itis, should be in the line-up for years to come.

Jason Heyward (21) – Had a breakout rookie year last year by hitting a homerun on Opening Day and finished the year with 18 homeruns and a .393 OBP. This year he started like last (homerun on Opening Day) but has since struggled with injuries and sophomore adjustments. Still a good, could be great player in the future and more importantly a solid, mature human being.

Starlin Castro (21) – Set a record by driving in six run in his first game ever in the majors. My one complaint isn’t so much about him, can we get Keith Moreland to stop calling him “Starling”? I feel like I listening to the audio track of Silence of the Lambs whenever Moreland talks about him. Castro has huge upside and his power hasn’t even arrived. He needs to mature out in the field and not make pointless throws, but as a fantasy owner, who cares? 2011 All-Star

Buster Posey (24) - No this isn’t the guy who recorded “Hot, Hot, Hot”. It’s the guy who won the National League Rookie of the Year Award last year. 18 homeruns, driving in 67 while playing the toughest, most demanding position in baseball. Oh yeah, he also had to catch the best rotation in baseball, no simple task in general, let alone for a 23 year old at the time. Led the Giants to the World Series where he batted .300. We can only hope that he completely heals from his ankle injury.

Andrew McCutchen (24) – Ahh, Andrew. My personal favorite. Gold Glove potential in centerfield. Offensively can hit for average, power and runs like the wind. He’s been moved all over the lineup; leading off, batting third, batting cleanup. Solid .365 OBP his first two years and all he does is improve his homerun, steals, RBIs and run numbers each of his first three years in the league. More importantly, he has his team challenging for a Division title well into July. Something that hasn’t happened in Pittsburgh since 1992. Probably the best player the Pirates have seen since Clemente. 2011 All-Star

Mike Stanton (21) – A mountain of a man. More power than a semi on supercharged diesel. Is among the league leaders in homeruns – he’s 21 folks – and he missed part of the year with eye issues. Strikes out way too much, but the raw power and talent he possesses could make Florida happy for years to come.

Jair Jurrjens(25) – Another in a long line of solid Atlanta pitchers, and arrived in Braves attire by way of Detroit, not unlike John Smoltz. Five years into his career he’s already nineteen games over .500. With pitchers there’s always the question of when they’ll break down. He missed some time last year, but has rebounded to have an incredible start to the 2011 season. 2011 All-Star.

Carlos Gonzalez (25) – Had a breakout year last year fighting Pujols and Votto to the very end for MVP. He’s having another solid year this year, though not at the same pace as his MVP worthy year last year. Still, he’s putting up solid OBP numbers as well as another 20/20 season.

Drew Storen (23) – The less heralded Washington National pitcher that debuted in 2010. He’s quietly collected 28 saves in 98 games while posting a WHIP under 1.00 and a K/BB ratio of amost 3.00 this year.

This list isn’t meant to be comprehensive and admittedly it doesn’t even include Stephen Strasburg (22). Freddie Freeman (21) or Bryce Harper (18) due to such a small, or non-existant, sample size.

There’s always the next “player of the century” but in this case, it looks like the National League has a lot of young talent with staying power.

Husky Power

** To my loyal Monroe Doctrine readers. This summer has been a challenge to maintain weekly submissions, in part due to what you are about to read. I thank you for your patience and I will do the best I can to get back to consistent articles. Now, on with the show. **

Boy, being Mike Quade isn’t easy. I recently “volunteered” to coach my daughter’s third/fourth grade softball team, the Huskies. I say “volunteered” because I wanted to do it but wasn’t sure I would have the time to devote to it. When the second e-mail from the association came out saying they didn’t have a coach for the team I stepped up.

You would think the biggest challenge would be able to explain the Infield Fly Rule, or where the cutoff man should be on a hit to the outfield. Not for yours truly. My biggest challenge was learning and (more importantly) remembering 14 names. It didn’t get any easier by having two Alexandras and two Kirstens (one pronounced Keer-sten, the other Kur-sten and believe me the teammates notice when the wrong Kirsten is pronounced).

On our first day of practice I introduced myself, explained how our practices would run and then I asked if there were any questions. “Will you have a steal sign?” Man this is an advanced group.

Just before the third game of the year I had just finished my pre-game prep talk. A hand shot up in the air. “Yes?” “Can we slide into home?” Mind you in our first two games combined we had scored all of one run.

We have one slugger on the team who can reach the outfield grass on a fly. I have never heard so much noise as the two times she’s cranked the ball to the outfield and ended up with doubles.

Every game and each practice we talk about the fundamentals. Pay attention. Swing at pitches you can reach; not over your head or one’s that bounce three feet before the plate. Watch the batter when you’re in the field in case the ball gets hit to you. Quade has to deal with high priced stars and agents. I have dance steps in the outfield and hair blowing in faces “because my visor makes me hot.”

But even with that minor frustration, nothing can compare to the look on a child’s face when they have stared down the pitcher, hit a shot up the middle and legged it out for a basehit. The sheer joy on their face says everyone is having a great time.

Quade has his staff of Riggins, DeJesus and Dernier. I wouldn’t be anywhere without the parents of my team as well as my stellar staff of my oldest daughter Katelyn and a dad (Steve) of one of the players. Steve has the same mannerisms, voice quality and, if he shaved his goatee, facial features of The Professor. That could be why I’m enjoying the season so much. It brings back memories when Dave and I were leading “Martha and the Vandellas” to glory.

Weather, like with any outdoor sport, plays a factor. We have gone, in the space of four days, from 93 degrees with high humidity to 57 degrees and gusting winds. We also have had three rainouts. Mother Nature is not a friend to the Huskies.

As with any sport there will be altercations. Turns out the adults are the biggest problem. In one game I engaged in a shouting match with the other team’s coaches. After the game our girls said “That team is awesome! They cheered for us!” Didn’t matter to our girls that the other coach had his team stealing second and third in the sixth inning (we only play six innings, assuming it’s not dark yet) while leading 14-1. Every once in a while the kids see the bigger picture.

We’re still looking for win number one. You ever hear how a ballplayer says they feel like they went 3 for 4 because they hit the ball hard, yet they ended up going 0 for 4? That was us last night. It felt like a win. We cranked out eleven hits, struck out a season low ten times and had the tying runs on base in the last inning before losing 6-4.

Half way through the season and it’s already been a great year.

There's Good and Bad in Everything

As with most things in life there can be good and bad in the same entity. Despite the fact that the Cubs are in the throes of an eight game losing streak there are still some positives to consider if you look for them.

Going back to last off-season, the Cubs were looking for the next color guy after Ron Santo’s passing. I’m sure they had many options in the baseball world, but we heard publicly of three: Keith Moreland, Gary Mathews and Dave Otto. I would have been fine with either Moreland or Mathews but really wanted Moreland. Otto (especially with the season playing out the way that it is) would have been death on the radio. The Cubs got it right by hiring Moreland. He’s done a great job; very insightful, puts coherent thoughts together. The only complaint is that he sucks as the Ed McMahon to Pat Hughes’ stupid stories. That’s not his fault. He’s put in the awkward position of having to feign interest or amusement when Pat decides it’s time to tell a “funny” story because the game isn’t interesting enough to focus on. Hughes finally has a partner who can reach for the next level. It’s time he does the same thing.

During the off-season the Cubs were looking for a firstbaseman, a starting pitcher or two and some relief help. They did what the Federal Government, State of Illinois and most family households can’t do – they showed some fiscal responsibility. They picked up Matt Garza for prospects, signed Kerry Wood at a nice discount and signed Carlos Pena for a paltry $10 million which they spread over two years. Garza has been disappointing, but the potential is there. Wood has been good as well as an awesome influence in the clubhouse. Pena, while starting slow, has started to pick it up and may be the nicest Cub we’ve had since Ernie Banks.

At the top of the decision list during the off-season was “Who’s going to run this club?” It came down to fan favorite Ryne Sandberg and baseball lifer Mike Quade. Again the Cubs got it right. Eventually I would love for Sandberg to be managing the Cubs, but I don’t think he was ready. Our Boys in Blue are currently 12 games under .500, 11 out and six behind the Pirates. Think Sandberg would have changed that? More importantly how would he handle it? No one with an ounce of logic can blame Quade for this. 40% of his starting pitching went on the shelf in April, his centerfielder got hit in the face, Ramirez got a busted lip, Soriano is back on the DL, Colvin decides to hit like Karl Pagel and Dempster started out the year with an ERA of over 6.00. Some things are out of a manager’s control. The key is how the manager handles it.

Quade hasn’t overreacted or blown up. He had a team meeting behind closed doors. He didn’t take it to the media. When Zambrano made the immortal claim “We stinks”, Quade said it would be handled by Z’s teammates if they had a problem with his comments. The next day Zambrano apologizes and there’s no more story. Quade was the right personality to run this club. Now he just needs the talent.

Heading into the season Quade named Dempster the Opening Day starting pitcher. Exact right move. Sure it could piss off Zambrano, but Z didn’t earn it last year – Dempster did. Quade made the right decision, hurt feelings be damned. Imagine how good the Cubs could have been had Baker pushed Sosa down in the order before Sosa “volunteered” or had Pinella taken Soriano out of the leadoff spot years before it actually happened?

Like with anything there are also bad choices that were made. When Wells and Cashner went down, the original choice was to have Jeff Russell spot start. Oh baby that’s not the way to go. Then logic says bring in a grizzled veteran to eat up some innings. Sounds logical as long as that grizzled veteran isn’t Doug Davis. Strike two. Need someone in addition to Davis to be able to turn the rotation over? Here’s Rodrigo Lopez. Strike three looking. Now the fans are saying “Isn’t there some prospect at Double or Triple A that could be promoted and get some Major League seasoning?” That’s backseat driving in my opinion. Had they done that first and the prospect gets smoked, then we would be calling for the Doug Davis’ of the world because “they have experience and can at least eat some innings.” We just don’t have the depth. That’s probably a Hendry issue. But how many teams have seven quality starters in case they lose two or three of their rotation? None.

In the meantime we’ve been able to enjoy the emergence of Darwin Barney (again the right choice to start at second, rather than going with the veteran DeWitt) and the energy of Tony Campana. Sure, Campana will most likely go back to the minors when Johnson, Baker and/or Byrd come back, but it sure has been fun to watch Campana fly around the bases in a way we haven’t seen since Dunston was legging out triples.

So while the Cubs are horrible this year, it’s important to keep in perspective that decisions made during the off-season were correct.

Running With The Wolves and My Girls

This week we bring you a mash-up of sorts of Monroe Doctrines present and past.

Yesterday was the culmination of my semi-volunteering/getting talked into running the Second Annual Running of the Wolves 5K. My daughters, Ally and Kristi, wanted to do it. Ally’s an old pro, having run it last year (Monroe Doctrine May 24, 2010). Kristi was giving it a shot for the first time.

We go to registration to pick up some swag and receive our runners bibs. Much to my chagrin I was assigned number 21. The marathon gods are laughing at me. Will I juice up and perform like Sosa or underperform like Colvin or go old school like Greg Gross?

I noticed last year and again this year, there seems to be a parental courtesy of slowing down to run/finish the race with your child. However it doesn’t appear to be a reciprocal relationship. Ally took off at the starter’s gun and Kristi came down the homestretch, saw the finish line and took off like she was the Roadrunner getting away from Wile E Coyote (little puff of smoke leaving her heels included).

My hope was to finish with a better time than I did last year. But since I didn’t train at all, was one year older and the last time I went for a run was the First Annual Running of the Wolves, the odds weren’t favorable. Surprisingly I finished 14 seconds behind last year’s pace with a time of 35:12 (ok, so I performed like Colvin), which if you turn that into a whole number is the amount of aches and pains I’m feeling this morning.

I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. This year there wasn’t a positive Cubs team to focus on. The Rebels are stumbling in eighth place, and I didn’t want to be focusing on that for 3.2 miles. So I charged up my IPod and set the tunes to Straight No Chaser (Monroe Doctrine April 20, 2011). I knew I was going to need the guys to carry me through the hard parts (basically everything after the first half mile).

That strategy worked pretty well. “Up On The Roof”, “Billie Jean/Poison”, “For The Longest Time” and “Heard It Through The Grapevine” took my mind off the pain in my legs, the cramps in my sides and shortness of breath. Down the home stretch I queued up “Lion Sleeps Tonight”. The goal was to finish the race before they finished the song. It was close, but mission accomplished. Before the final “Aweemaway” I sprinted past the school’s principal and, wait, what the hell is that? Oh god, dehydration and delusion must be setting in. There’s a huge six foot dog at the finish line. That can’t be right, can it? Don’t piss him off! Give it a high five. As it turns out it was a guy in a big dog suit that is the mascot from Aaron’s Furniture & Electronics in Aurora.

I will tell you that one parallel in life and sports is focus and determination. Ally was determined to improve on her performance last year and get a medal. She did it. Knocked five minutes off her time and finished second in age group, garnering not a medal but a trophy.

We’ll be back next year for more pain, suffering and pride.

The Globe is Warming Up (to the Monroe Doctrine)

The Monroe Doctrine is many things. Whimsical? I hope. Insightful? I double hope. A waste of time? I hope not. But international? Who knew?

Being able to track the visitors to the Monroe Doctrine has allowed me to recognize my loyal readers (Matt B., Tim, David) but also the states and countries – yes I said COUNTRIES – that have visited the humble musings of a bald guy destined for endless second division finishes.

Aside from Naperville, Chicago and Mount Prospect, here are the more interesting hits on the 3^rd rock from the sun. Liepaja, Latvia; Mesa AZ; Quezon City, Philippines; Russian Federation; Mountain View, CA; Laurens, SC; Ulsan, Republic of Korea; Oakley, CA; Rego Park, NY; Council Bluffs, IA; Nagoya, Aichi, Japan; North Easton, MA; Saline, MI; Fort Wayne, IN; Burlington, IA; Quinter, KS; Greensboro, NC, I kid you not.

I know some of the distance comes from current and past owners. But Ulsan, Republic of Korea? Hello! Was someone in Mesa, AZ trying to get the latest baseball news as Spring Training was beginning?

Is North Easton, MA, trying to get the latest on the Red Sox/Yankee rivalry? Boy did you misfire, we only cover major league baseball at the Monroe Doctrine.

Mountain View, CA is closer to Stanford University than they are to a major league city. Is a movie director scouting me out to turn my words into pictures?

When I saw this I had to think about what someone in the Phillippines could be searching on that would cause them to visit the Monroe Doctrine. It couldn’t be that we’ve become an international hit could it? Will I be invited to come to Liepaja and appear on “Good Morning Latvia”?

Will I guest appear with “Boris and Kathy Lee” in the Russian Federation? I could be spreading the word about fantasy baseball in general and the CFCL in specific. Ooh the possibilities! You guys better be nice to me lest all your dirty secrets come flowing out!

Maybe I make the typical rounds of the Philippines, Japan, Korea and Rego Park, NY, dropping amusing anecdotes and weighing the response. Then I come back and write the Great American CFCL Fantasy Novel and do it up big. Certainly owners like the DoorMatts and Ruffins are in more jeopardy simply due to their tenure in the league. But as the MD has proven in the past, we never let the facts get in the way of a good story. So the Clowns being scared of multi-colored candy and the Danger sleeping with a stuffed sheep could make its way into chapters five and six.

Mr. Shigatosi, I’m ready for my closeup!

Meet Stranger Danger

2011 brought the CFCL a new owner, Scott Strang. Before we meet Scott, first the Monroe Doctrine disclaimer:

Due to scheduling conflicts and time constraints we didn’t bother ourselves with the formality of actually interviewing the new owner. I’m sure what follows will be news to him as well as you

MD: As the newest owner you have some pretty big shoes to fill, taking over the roster of the Copperfields. Feel any pressure?

SS: Can’t say that I do. I don’t know the Copperfields.

MD: The Copperfields were a combination of Thomas Jefferson, for creating the CFCL, and New York Yankees, for dominating the standings.

SS: Gee, thanks for that. NOW I feel the pressure. Actually I feel more pressure trying to compete and surpass the DoorMatts, they are the ones that brought me into the league.

MD: Fair point. Hey did the DoorMatts tell you that you're supposed to submit a Team Profile?

SS: He mentioned it. You guys really are geeks, aren't you?

MD: To the core. You brought along an assistant to the draft, who was he?

SS: Assistant, yeah. He’d hate that title. That was my brother, Bob. I view him as my assistant, but he thinks he’s the Co-President of Stranger Danger.

MD: That leads to the team name. Interesting choice.

SS: I know, I know. Makes everyone think I stalk little kids at schoolyards. Not true. With my last name there’s not a lot of directions you can go. My intent was to point out that I’m a stranger to the league but you’ll be in danger if you overlook the new guy.

MD: I like it. You could have gone down the road of “Perfect Strangers”, especially since your brother is part of the decision making process, at least on Draft Day. Nice little comparison to the TV show about cousins that lived in Chicago. Are you the Balki Bartokomous of the duo?

SS: Well, I don’t have an accent, but I do sleep with a stuffed sheep. His name’s not Dmitri, it’s Fluffy, so I guess there’s enough of a similarity.

MD: We’re going down a road we should get off of. You mentioned that you didn’t want the league to overlook the new guy. You went a long way to make that happen by dominating and spending most of your budget in the first two rounds of the draft.

SS: I had some guys targeted that I felt would represent the Stranger Way. They were brought up early in the draft, so I had to strike.

MD: “Stranger Way”? What’s that?

SS: The Stranger Way is the way I live and what I expect my players to exemplify. The Stranger Way is a weekend getaway at the Hilton in the Executive Suite. The Stranger Way is maintaining legal speed driving in the left lane to pass – only. The Stranger Way is NOT texting while driving. The Stranger Way is killing the DoorMatts! (make me clean the pits, will you?) The Stranger Way is red in Vegas, not black. The Stranger Way is zip-lining through the rain forest, not sitting on a beach. The Stranger Way is top hat and tails on New Year’s Eve. The Stranger Way is calling Mom every week. And the Stranger Way is running out every lazy flyball and easy grounder to short.

MD: Words to live by. Thank you, Scott, it’s been a pleasure.

Straight No Chaser

It’s always fun when two areas of our lives crossover. Say you love beer and your wife comes home and says “Let’s check out the new microbrewery.” Nice. Boss comes in to your office and says “I’ve got two behind homeplate for today’s game. Don’t take a sick day – let’s go!” Better than great.

The world of music and baseball collided in my life. Baseball has always been number one, year round, 24/7. As for music, you may be familiar with The Beatles, The Who, Rolling Stones, Led Zepplin, Jon Bon Jovi, Lady Gaga. Well above all of that are Don, Seggie, Ryan, Walt, Mike, Randy, Dave, Jerome, Charlie and Tyler. No, it’s not the other Jackson kids. Those in the know, know these ten are Straight No Chaser.

For those sadly unaware, Straight No Chaser is an a cappella group formed at Indiana University who became an Internet sensation when their final concert at IU was taped and posted on YouTube. Their rendition of “The Twelve Days of Christmas” went viral (over 13 million views) and the president of Atlantic records saw it, called the guys and said “Let’s make a deal.”

You have no doubt heard a cappella music whether it’s singing in the shower, listening to Rockappella, Huey Lewis and the News, Billy Joel or even the guys standing around the burning trash can in “Rocky”. I’ve heard a cappella. During my formative college years I ran around Chicago with my best friend watching “Four Guys Standing Around Singing” perform. What Straight No Chaser does is in another stratosphere, setting the Platinum Standard for a cappella if not music itself.

The way they cover The Beatles, Coldplay, Michael Jackson and Bel Biv Devoe is beyond standard. Everything they do is “with a twist”. Everything - including how they interact with their fans. During select songs they will bring an audience member up on stage. After every, I MEAN EVERY, show they meet their fans out in the lobby for autographs and pictures, waiting until everyone has been taken care of. They encourage their audience members to videotape their concerts and post them on YouTube. They go out of their way to remember and acknowledge their returning fans. These guys don’t have groupies – we are Chasers.

Certainly music is foremost in their lives, but these guys are well-rounded. Most are college basketball fans. But this is about music and baseball. Seggie’s from Detroit so he’s a Tiger fan and he’s also into fantasy sports. For some reason Walt has decided that the Mets are worth following, but he redeems himself by being an avid fantasy sports fan. Don also is a Mets fan (from Colorado?), but he redeems himself by having the same birthday as me and Mike B. Randy’s from Naperville so I can only hope that he’s a Cub fan.

Before you think this was a manufactured group ala O-Town or an American Idol winner, think again. This group has serious chops. They’ve performed with Manilow. They sold out an entire summer concert series at Harrah’s in Atlantic City last year. They’ve done the National Anthem at Wrigley and Soldier Field. They were the featured group in the nationally televised “Skate From the Heart” starring top professional ice skaters.

If you haven’t indulged yourself, I encourage you to visit their website at www.sncmusic.com and check out more videos. I’ll warn you in advance to allow for plenty of time. Just like Jays potato chips – once you start, you just can’t stop. I will end this article the way they end their shows. For their final song, they go “unplugged” putting away their microphones and just harmonize. This is from a show they did in Kansas City. .

A Privilege Playing With The Ruffins

The first time I met Dave Holian I was a senior in high school sitting in Mr. Curry’s Journalism class at Oak Park – River Forest High School. Dave was the Sports Editor for the award winning school newspaper “The Trapeze” and had come in to consult with Mr. Curry. He looked over at me in my Cub shirt, pointed with a big grin on his face and proclaimed “They’re everywhere!”

Each morning he would grab the Tribune, turn to page 3 and read Royko. He had his walkman on with a Mo-Town mix tape, eyes closed, head swaying in a less exaggerated Stevie Wonder motion saying “Bring it home Diana!”

After the CFCL had been cooking along for two years it was time to bring in a quality owner so we asked Dave to join us. Twenty-six years later he still hasn’t forgiven me for not asking him to join in our inaugural year.

Once the invitation was offered and accepted, Dave quickly became the humor and light of the CFCL. Virtually every clip of previous drafts on YouTube, in Monroe Doctrines and on various CFCL websites is there because something amusing happened. In the middle of that amusement is Dave making a witty observation or being downright hilarious.

But before you think Dave is just a guy with seltzer water, he’s also a man with an amazing vocabulary. One night we were walking to a restaurant in Forest Park and we passed a bar called the Nut Bush. One comment led to another about whether this was a gay bar. Once this question was posed, two guys came walking in the opposite direction holding hands. Dave then pointed out “That was a perfect schematic representation.” Now in retrospect, that description makes sense and is easy to understand. But at the time I’m just a guy walking down the street when all of a sudden “schematic representation” happens.

He uses that knowledge to teach students at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro (actual class he teaches – American Politics where he discusses the size of Thomas Jefferson’s hat and the impact it had on the South’s loss in the Civil War), hence the nickname “The Professor”. That professorial demeanor doesn’t preclude him from exuding boyish excitement like when he created his Ruffin logo by taking a picture of the Temptations (led by singer David Ruffin) and superimposed a baseball bat in such a manner that it looks like the Temps are pointing to the bat. “Look! They’re pointing at the bat!” he was heard to exclaim.

Some unique owners in CFCL history even make it into the Constitution. Look at Article IV and you find The Ruffin Privilege. Every year the Ruffins have thrown out the first player to be bid on. Most of the time he was successful in doing so, but even a Northwestern grad has his Ray Lankford moments (See Youtube.com and search ‘Ray Lankford Incident’).

With the retirement of the Copperfields, Dave is the second longest tenured owner and the last remaining owner named Dave (five total in CFCL history). Dave has done all of this from three different states (Illinois, Indiana and North Carolina). He’s also the only owner, other than the Copperfields, to win three CFCL titles.

It’s been a privilege to have the Ruffins in the CFCL for the past 26 years.