The Professor Returneth

In our never ending effort to track down any story anywhere, the Monroe Doctrine dispatched Ace Reporter Bubba Whatly to stake out the Raleigh International Airport for the much anticipated return of The Professor. Bubba was able to pin down The Head Ruffin just after clearing customs. After waiting an extra fifteen minutes for the completion of the Suspicious Orifice Search (on Whatley, not Holian), Bubba came away with this interview.

Bubba Whatly: Professor! Professor! Over here! Bubba Whatly with the Monroe Doctrine? Can I ask you a few questions?

Head Ruffin: I’m just a retired businessman living on a pension. Oh, wait, wrong movie. What’s up, Bub?

BW: It’s Bub-ba. My parents paid extra for the second syllable. What took you to Italy during baseball season?

HR: My wife is an art major so we went to all sorts of museums, The Louvre, the Guggenheim . . .

BW: Isn't the Louvre in France?

HR: You ever been to Europe?

BW: No.

HR: Then shut up!

BW: Okay. Was there anything that surprised you about Italy?

HR: Interesting fact. Most people think Italy has a lot of pasta and wine. Actually they serve diet yoohoo and farva beans.

BW: That could explain why Pavoratti always sounds like he’s in pain when he sings. Were you and your wife able to do any site seeing?

HR: We did a bit of site seeing. I was disappointed with the Coliseum. It's nothing like the one in Los Angeles. Walking around Italy was fun though. The street performances were amazing. Mimes are big over there along with puppeteers and Drew Carey impersonators.

BW: You mentioned the cuisine wasn’t what you had expected. Other than that how was your dining experience?

HR: When we would go out for dinner, the music that played overhead was surprising. I was expecting Dean Martin and it ended up being Jerry Lewis.

BW: I have to be honest. The rest of the league was pretty amazed at the lack of activity on your part during the season as you defend your CFCL title. What gives?

HR: You were expecting me to make a lot of trades at the deadline; that makes sense. But I was predisposed. George Clooney had us out on his banana boat on Lake Como as the deadline expired. I kept saying “George, I’ve got some things to do man. Yeah I know we’re bonding and, yes, I agreed to be in Ocean’s 14, but I have obligations.” Didn’t do any good. He wouldn’t dock the damn thing. Of course the upside is that I’m one of his guys in Ocean’s 14. And let me tell you, Brad Pitt is really, really good looking. I’m just saying.

BW: Hey cool! You have a cameo in Ocean’s 14?

HR: Who said cameo? Did you hear me say cameo? I have a STARRING role! I’m the 14 in Ocean’s 14. Cameos are for has beens like Ron Palillo and Marlo Thomas.

Anyway, on top of that I had trouble following baseball and the CFCL. The Internet doesn't work the same way over there as it does in the States. I came packing with AC and all they had was DC. The only time I could get online all my screen would say is "It's going to be a belle sera."

BW: Wow that must have been tough not being able to make moves and try to run at the title again. What did you do with your free time?

HR: Well, we watched the local TV programs. Howie Mandel has been syndicated in Italy. He hosts a show called "Deal or No Deal You Can't Refuse".

BW: On behalf of the CFCL, the Monroe Doctrine and your students, Welcome Back!

HR: Tell me the truth . . . Did I get ripped in the Monroe Doctrine while I was gone?

BW: I don’t think so, it’s hard to remember. Hey, somebody text Mahlan quick to see if these things are archived.