Soccer To Me

The Oswego Panther Soccer Club hosted a tournament this Memorial Day weekend. Being the helpful sort and dedicated parents, Kim and I volunteered our services. Getting a break on next year’s fees increased our helpfulness, though not our dedication. We both took parking duty.

 I led off with the early shift on Saturday and Sunday. I came to realize you can really learn a lot about people simply waving them to a parking spot. I learned that some people are genuinely nice. They smile and wave as you direct them to their spot.

And some are asses, complaining about the distance of the parking slot to their child’s soccer field. The longest distance anyone had to walk was a few hundred yards, but that didn’t stop people from trying to negotiate special parking privileges.

 I learned that some idiots, I mean parents felt the need to drive 45 miles an hour, two feet from the car ahead of them because either 1) they’re late for the game or 2) they’re tired of sitting in line to get a parking spot. Folks, when your team is one of 146 participants, you have to expect there to be other people arriving and therefore there will be some delays.

 I learned that if you’re young and beautiful you get some perks. I say that because when I started my shift on Saturday morning I was loaded in an oversized golf cart, taken to a parking area and dropped off. No instructions on where to put the cars, etc. That’s ok. I’m a college graduate. I can identify the parking pattern and direct people in. But then right after my shift ended, my wife Kim (the young and beautiful that I mentioned above) arrived to do her shift. She texted me that she (and my oldest daughter Katelyn) were placed at a corner to make sure people DIDN’T park in a particular private lot. She was issued a reflective vest AND was given a radio!!! A vest and radio! I got a grass lot with gnats and no instructions. I learned a grass lot is what you get when you’re not young and beautiful.

 And I learned that to be a serious, devoted soccer parent there are requirements. You must own an extra large vehicle. Minivans are standard but if you could own an offensively large SUV that would be even better.

 Once you arrive at the soccer game you are not ready for the game (and let’s face it, not a worthy parent) if you do not have the following supplies: Cooler loaded down with plenty of drinks and snacks – don’t forget, this game is going to last an hour, you wouldn’t want to deprive yourself; at least three parachute chairs; a popup extra large umbrella to provide shade from the sun for an hour or protect you from any rain; a couple of extra soccer balls if for no other reason than so that they can roll wildly down the parking aisles as other cars are trying to park; a plastic Red Flyer Wagon to carry all of this; and please don’t forget the cell phone. You’re not a serious soccer parent if you’re not weaving down the parking aisle pulling the wagon behind you with one arm while the other has the cell phone plastered to your ear as you exclaim “I know right? So where are you? OH! I KNOW WHERE YOU ARE! You’ll want to take (insert name of local road) and turn left. The field is right there. Can you park next to us? We have the oversized SUV taking up three stalls, so we should be easy to find.”

 And I learned that since the soccer games take an hour, the parents with the offensively large SUVs have no idea what takes place in the parking lot after they walk out – not that I exercised that new piece of education.