A pat on the back with a hand in the pocket

The rebirth of the Monroe Doctrine has provided a few things. It has provided me many flashbacks to the early days of the CFCL where I would sit at my pretend job at the Savings and Loan and do the serious work of cranking out the Monroe Doctrine, looking for any way possible to insult the resident CFCL punching bag, Bob Monroe. It has re-opened a creative outlet for the few remaining grey cells between my ears which I am hoping you all will enjoy over the course of the season.

In fact, I have been overwhelmed with the kind words about my early submissions. Amazingly . . . these kind words have been immediately followed with trade offers and proposals.

And mind you the e-mails don’t lead with the trade proposal and follow with a cast off line of “Oh yeah, read the Monroe Doctrine. Nice.” The lead-in is how much the Monroe Doctrine is being enjoyed: “Can’t wait to read the next one,” “I skip past the rest of the report to read the Monroe Doctrine first”, and then the trade offer comes. So while I’m awash in the glow of adulation, I’m thinking “Gee that Matt is a swell fellow. I should do business with such a nice guy.”

And I know that you vultures KNOW THIS!!! So here I am looking at Augie Ojeda for Derek Lee and Prince Fielder, thinking “Hmm, this seems a little lopsided. But I must be missing something because he wouldn’t be trying to screw me. I mean ‘He likes me, he really likes me!’”

So just as I am about to pull the trigger on the deal, my five year old (Kristi [named for Mathewson] Grace [named for Mark]) glances over my shoulder and says “Papa are you nuts? You have to at least get a 4th round draft pick in return as well!” And then . . . the spell is broken.

I come to my senses and say “Hah! Your flirtatious overtures WILL NOT work! Oh sure, I traded a young stud in the making to the Current CFCL Champions for a guy that couldn’t be successful in Colorado before they installed the humidors. But last year he found himself! He likes the dry, desert air instead of the thin, mile-high air. 271 Totals Bases and 25 steals. I know, I know, past performance is not indicative of future returns, I mean I’m not a total idiot. And Dave even said how much he enjoyed reading the Monroe Doctrine and that if I ‘was able to crank them out amid life’s other distractions he would read ‘em.’ Can you get over that? A tenured professor, busy trying to make sense of the crazy Presidential Race that will be decided in 22 short months saying that he will find time to read my meager words. How can you not trust a guy that a UNIVERSITY has entrusted with the minds of the next generation?”

Helloooo my all-too-familiar home, 12th place.